So the other night I sat down to watch THE SOCIAL NETWORK. About 20 minutes in I realized that I didn’t give two diseased shits about the movie or any of the people in it. So, I turned it off and played PORTAL 2 for like four hours. Good times.

Anyway, having lots of money is apparently newsworthy. This is why the Winklevoss twins, products of Nazi-era genetic experimentation and Harvard business graduates, are in the news. Again. In short, these two guys apparently knew Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in college and they feel that entitles them to obscene amounts of money.

“The Winklevoss brothers, Harvard contemporaries of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, have ended their legal battle with the social network. They reached a $65m (£41m) settlement in 2008, after claiming that Mr Zuckerberg stole their idea.

The legal spat was immortalised in the film “The Social Network”. In January they attempted to reopen the case, claiming that they should have received more shares than the $45m they agreed on. They sought to undo the settlement of $20m in cash and $45m in stock – now worth more than $100m.

The twins originally argued that Mr Zuckerberg had stolen their idea after he was hired by them to code their ConnectU site in 2003.” – BBC NEWS

I have compiled several arguments as to why I think these guys have nothing to complain about. I think that after hearing my diverse arguments on the subject you will feel, as I do, that these are the biggest pair of crybabies on the planet Earth.


I get the whole “but they could have had more” line of thinking. Like, just the other night for example, my family and I ordered pizza for dinner. I had three pieces and there was plenty left for everyone else. Of course I could have eaten the whole thing and told my loved ones to go fuck themselves. But, I didn’t. I’m not a businessman, I’m a human being. As such I really only take what I need.


I could spend my entire life working three jobs, never sleeping or going to the bathroom or seeing my kids and I still will never have 100 million dollars. Not even close. These two fuckheads came up with an idea to help socially retarded people find each other on the internet. This groundbreaking idea netted them enough cash to basically live in luxury for the rest of their lives. From the perspective of a normal person, dudes, you pretty much won no matter how you look at it.


I often fantasize about having just one million dollars. I could pay off all my debt, put a down payment on a relatively nice house and have a little nest egg leftover for my retirement. Maybe I lack the ambition and insatiable desire for money and math that these two buttfucks have. But, to be honest, I don’t even know what I would do with that much scratch. I would probably bribe Congressmen and hire mercenaries to go out and fuck up people I don’t like. So, it’s probably best that I don’t have that kind of wealth.


Yeah. They have 100 million dollars. And by this time next year they’ll probably be suing each other over who gets more. I wonder if their attorneys will also be freakish twins. That would be pretty cool.

And yes, that is a picture of Tomax and Xamot from GI JOE. You probably thought I used it as a cute way of making fun of these guys because, you know, they’re evil twins and all. But, the truth is that I have such little regard for the wealthy that I view them as nothing more than plastic, one-dimensional tools that are fun to play with for a while but eventually forgotten on the floor of the closet along with all the other useless crap I don’t need.



  1. June 27, 2011 at 1:44 PM

    Insanely funny rant about the Winklevoss DBs!!!

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