27
Jun
11

SMOKING IS SEXY AND GLAMOROUS

Happy Monday! Yeah, I know. I fucking hate people who say that too. Mondays suck and they should be illegal. Further proof, should any be needed, that our leaders are out of touch. Of course if we abolished Mondays then Tuesdays would suck. So, you know, we’d have to get rid of them too. And as much as I’d like to have a week which consisted of nothing but Friday afternoon through Sunday night I’m guessing America’s efforts to re-establish itself as an economic powerhouse in the world would fail miserably.

On the topic of rampant capitalist growth at the expense of people’s rights and health, this story caught my eye this morning.

Tobacco giant Philip Morris is threatening to sue the Australian government for possibly billions of dollars over its plan to be the first country to introduce plain, brand-less packaging for cigarettes.

The tobacco firm is fearful that plain-packaging will damage its cigarette brands like Marlboro and Alpine and reduce their ability to compete against other brands.

The Australian government argues that reducing brand identification will make smoking less attractive and in turn reduce smoking rates and the health costs associated with smoking, which is said by Australian health authorities to kill 15,000 people a year in the country.“ – REUTERS

Some might call this government overreach. I mean first they ban Joe Camel. Next thing you know they’re taking away Gary the Glock Gazelle or Herbie the Holocaust Hamster. Where does it all end?

Others, those without mental problems, would call this a shining example of the government protecting us from the rampant greed and murderous disregard of the private sector. Plus I think that when it comes to the tobacco industry they can pretty much go fuck themselves. They’ve spent billions making sure that nobody can just come out and say what we already know to be true: cigarettes are addictive and they kill you as well as all of your friends and loved ones and anyone else within a 100-foot radius.

And now they’re going to sue an entire country to keep them from giving people the facts about smoking. But, there are some facts about tobacco you probably didn’t know which I’m going to now list for you. Hey, sue me.

TOBACCO PRODUCTION KILLS ORPHANS

Every time a tobacco plant is cultivated a parentless child is brutally murdered somewhere in the world. At first look it seems unrelated. In fact, on second and third looks it still seems unrelated. Those clever, clever bastards.

SMOKING LEADS TO SERIAL MURDER

Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy… all smokers. Coincidence? You just keep telling yourself that.

CIGARETTES CAUSE ETHNIC CLEANSING

Granted, there’s no empirical evidence to support this conclusion. But, I’ve never had any love for the empire and I’m not about to believe their propaganda.

THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY GIVES MONEY TO MUSLIM TERRORISTS

You’re probably asking yourself why they do this. I am too. That’s fucked up.

SMOKING CIGARETTES MEANS YOU SECRETLY LIKE DICK

Smoking cigarettes leads to smoking poles. It’s a penis. You stick it in your mouth and suck on it. Then it makes you sick and you die. Well, cigarettes do. Cocks are actually full of vitamins and antioxidants. I’ve been waging my own personal campaign to get people to put those in their mouth instead of cigarettes for years. I actually volunteer my own penis to the cause. If it helps even one, preferably female, person to quit smoking then it’s totally worth all the legal and marital problems it causes me.

Believe me, kids, being a hero is not all it’s cracked up to be.

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