29
Jun
11

PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!

Monday was an exciting day for me. I normally get between 50 and 100 hits in any given day. Which I know is a pittance in internet traffic terms. So imagine my surprise when I logged on to WordPress Monday afternoon to find that I had 900 hits and counting. I ended the day with over 1,500.

After some investigating I found that someone named Kelly Slater had Twittered about me. And, because I apparently live in a bubble, I kept telling everyone I know that “This guy named Kelly Slater tweeted about my blog” to which they all replied “Dude, he’s like one of the most famous surfers in the world. He’s not some guy, you fucking dipshit.”

So, I’d like to personally thank Mr. Slater for probably the most exciting day of my life this year. Yeah, I know I just had a kid. Well, when he can generate that kind of web traffic for me then I’ll thank him too. At any rate, I would like to welcome everyone from the surfing community who is now stopping by this site. I’m not a surfer myself although at a wedding reception once I got totally shitfaced and dove into a Jacuzzi with a surfboard. I think I handled it pretty well. Certainly better than my subsequent arrest and imprisonment.

So anyway, let’s get back to it. Michele Bachmann officially announced her candidacy for President this week, but not before she revealed her intellectual Bulimia and regurgitated stupidity all over her supporters like a bird feeding its young.

“On the eve of her official presidential announcement, GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann incorrectly identified movie star John Wayne’s origins in an attempt to draw a parallel between her and the American icon.

“I want them to know just like John Wayne is from Waterloo Iowa, that’s the spirit I have too,” Bachmann said Sunday on Fox News. “It’s embracing America. It’s sacrificing for America.”

John Wayne the movie star was born in Winterset, Iowa, which is approximately three hours Southwest of Waterloo, Iowa, Bachmann’s native city and the site of her presidential announcement Monday. But according to the Waterloo Chamber of Commerce, the actor’s parents did live in the city at one point.

However, it was a different John Wayne that caused the misstep to go viral on the internet.

Serial killer John Wayne Gacy was born in Chicago, Illinois and later lived and worked in Waterloo where he was convicted of sodomy and sentenced to prison. Gacy, known as “the clown killer” was found guilty of 33 murders in the Chicago area in 1980 and died by lethal injection in 1994.” – CNN

I’ve posted about Bachmann here and here. I included her in a series I did a few months back on potential GOP candidates (and I pretty much nailed them except for Huckabee). I never knew about her secret love for clown-clad anal rapists though. But, who am I to judge? You should see the shit I watch when I’ve got the place to myself.

I knew the Republican primary was going to be entertaining but I had no idea it was going to turn out to be like Noah’s Ark for retards. There’s two of everything now. Two crazy chicks. Two Mormons. Two wealthy businessmen. And one giant flood of corporate cash. And everyone thinks god is talking to them.

At this point Obama could pretty much do press conferences drunk in his underwear and I’d vote for him. As I’ve said before there is a simple metric when it comes to Presidential elections: people elect you because they love you. They re-elect you because they hate and fear your opponent. And since the current Republican frontrunner is talking about her admiration for fucking child killing sodomites it’s probably never too soon to urge people to get out and vote. Otherwise, come January of 2013, Madam President will be addressing us from the Oval Office with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

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