Archive for July, 2011

29
Jul
11

YOU DISAPPOINT ME

I haven’t done one of these in a while and I thought it was time to bring it back. For those of you who are new to Magnus Greel it’s pretty simple. Whenever President Obama gives a speech I like to rewrite it to have it contain what I wish he would say. Or what he should be saying. Or sometimes what I can just tell he wants to say but can’t. And today he gave a pretty interesting address about the debt crisis and where things are at.

I’ve done this a few times before here, here and here. People seemed to like it and it always gives me a chuckle. And hey, you know, that’s what life is about. Laughing. Seriously, man, it’s all we have left.

 

“My fellow Americans,

How you doing? Hanging in there? Good. Good. How about we step into my world for a little bit. I don’t sleep. I’ve popped so many Truckers Love It and chugged so much coffee in the last few weeks that I’m beginning to hallucinate. Yesterday I attacked Senator Mitch McConnell with a stapler because I thought he was an evil wizard or something. I’d like to apologize again to him and hope that they were able to get all the staples out of his face.

So here’s where we’re at. It’s actually not that hard to understand. Anyone who has ever balanced a checkbook before will be able to follow along.

We’re in debt. We need to increase the amount we are legally allowed to borrow in order to pay our bills. But, unless we make some changes in how the government makes and spends money we’re just going to keep going further down the hole. My proposal is simple: cut trillions of dollars in spending and raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans. And judging by all the available polling data a healthy majority of you agree with me. Word up.

The reason this hasn’t been done yet is because a small but vocal minority in the Republican Party would rather see the whole plane crash into the ground than pay a little more for the champagne in first class. What’s actually kind of ironic is that a lot of the people in this minority are not particularly rich themselves. But, they all think they’re going to be. One day. And I’m sure that’s working out well for them.

I know, they want you to say “job creators” instead of “rich”. And that’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. And Charles Manson is a “unifier and leader of people” not a “fucking lunatic”. You’re rich. You’re getting richer. And richer. And richer. Like every 30 seconds most of you become even more obscenely wealthy. And yet, not a whole lot of jobs being created out there. I see a lot of private jets being bought. Lot of swimming pools being put in. Lot of purchases from Tiffany’s. So when you gonna’ work your magic? Huh? Come on, we’ve been waiting since Reagan for your wealth to trickle down.

Well, I say we help the rich share their wealth. Fuck, man, I’m rich. You’d be surprised how much scratch the wife and I rake in. And if my taxes go up, well, I’ll still be rich. Yeah, slightly less rich than before. If you want to get all mathematical about it. But, I’m still gonna’ wear nice suits and eat like a goddamn king every night. And I’m still going to be better off than roughly 99% of everyone else so you won’t hear me bitching and moaning.

As I said, most of you agree with my approach. So I think the best thing for all of you to do is call your member of Congress. Got their numbers right here. Reach out and touch them. Tell them to get their shit together. Harass the living hell out of them. Because believe you me, until the American people get involved in this nothing is going to happen. I can’t do it by myself. I’m the President of the United States. Leader of the free world. I got 99 problems and the rich ain’t one.

One love. Peace out.”

28
Jul
11

APPARENTLY WE’VE HAD THE POWER ALL ALONG

It’s looking like Mr. Boehn will have just enough votes to pass a debt-reduction package that will most likely be defeated in the senate. And, at any rate, most likely vetoed by The President. So why are they doing it? The same reason a dog licks itself. Because they can. Hell, man, I would.

My understanding/interest in financial issues aside, I do like to read the economic news. You don’t have to be good at math to understand a lot of what is going on. Today I read this column by Jack M. Balkin on CNN in which he offers an interesting idea for a way to pay our bills:

“Are there other ways for the president to raise money besides borrowing?

Sovereign governments such as the United States can print new money. However, there’s a statutory limit to the amount of paper currency that can be in circulation at any one time.

Ironically, there’s no similar limit on the amount of coinage. A little-known statute gives the secretary of the Treasury the authority to issue platinum coins in any denomination. So some commentators have suggested that the Treasury create two $1 trillion coins, deposit them in its account in the Federal Reserve and write checks on the proceeds.”

Why in the hell haven’t we done this already? Just make more money. It’s ingenious. If it’s that easy then why can’t I just make more money for myself? I mean, yeah, I know that would violate all kinds of laws and land me in jail. It was more of a rhetorical question.

Of course when there’s too much of it, it becomes worthless like porn. Well, okay, maybe not like porn. Smut will always have value. And perhaps in the future it will be like currency. In which case I will be obscenely wealthy in every possible sense of the phrase.

“The “jumbo coin” and “exploding option” strategies work because modern central banks don’t have to print bills or float debt to create new money; they just add money to their customers’ checking accounts.”

I’m of the view that anything “jumbo” or “exploding” should be made in reference to an order of Jalapeno Poppers or my penis and not economics. And when you say “Jumbo Coin” I picture that giant penny in the Batcave from Harvey-Two Face. And why won’t my bank just put more money in my account? I’m a nice guy.

And in case you’re wondering the picture and the headline are both references to MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. In that storyline there was a weapon called THE POWER SWORD which came in two halves. When put together they made everything just a little bit homoerotic. Anyone who grew up in the 1980’s probably had He-Man guys or had their Barbie Dolls victimized by them. Or possibly even resulted in moving to West Hollywood later in life.

27
Jul
11

LET’S NOT LOSE OUR HEADS HERE

There usually comes a point at every party when you know it’s time to leave. I remember being at a graduation party once in high school. I was repeatedly asked “Who are you?” and “What are you doing with our silverware?” And thus the evening came to a close. I guess some people just don’t know how to have a good time.

I think another moment that signals the end of the festivities is something like this:

“Afghan insurgents appeared to continue their assassination campaign against key public figures on Wednesday with the killing of the mayor of Kandahar.

Ghulam Haider Hamidi was targeted by a suicide bomber who got into the municipality compound in Kandahar City with explosives concealed under his turban. The technique was first used earlier this month in a mosque in the city during a memorial service for Ahmed Wali Karzai, a regional strongman and half-brother of the president.

Abdul Manan, a municipality employee, said the mayor had emerged from his office into the garden, where he made a call on his mobile phone. The assassin grabbed him and detonated the bomb. “I rushed outside and saw the mayor was lying still on the ground,” said Manan. “Another headless body was next to him and the mayor had deep wounds on his face and chest.”

The fact that the Taliban’s spokesmen were relatively slow to claim credit for the assassination prompted speculation that his killing could be the result of a personal grudge.” – THE GUARDIAN

Jesus. If this is how they handle personal grudges over there then I think there’s not a whole lot we’re going to accomplish. That’s pretty hardcore. I mean I deal with people who have pissed me off by putting sugar in their gas tank or knocking up their daughters. I can’t even begin to imagine being able to have people commit suicide attacks. Everyone from Visa to that woman with the poodle who shits on my lawn would be dead.

I’m going to engage in some speculation here and say, yeah, it was the fucking Taliban. This is Afghanistan. Terror is a retail business there and the Taliban is like Target. And like Target shoppers we’re just blowing all our money on fake shit we don’t need. Like a civilized Afghanistan. Or this:

“Hamidi was attacked in some quarters over the Aino Minna development, a somewhat surreal US-style suburb on the edge of Kandahar City. In part developed by Mahmoud Karzai, one of the Afghan president’s controversial brothers, the scheme has been criticised for being built on land once owned by the ministry of defence that was sold cheaply after intense lobbying, some from Hamidi.”

Sure, we could turn that place around. In like 50 years. We would more or less have to kill every adult there and raise all the children ourselves. I don’t think that building a fucking suburb is going to drag an entire country kicking and screaming into the 21st Century. Hell, man, I grew up in the suburbs and if someone tried to build one where I live now I’d blow myself up too. See? We’re all not so different after all.

25
Jul
11

DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?

This is probably all over the news today. Normally I try to steer clear of the top story of the day because you don’t need me for that. Granted, the real top story today is probably Norway’s very own rampaging cyborg killing machine. But, frankly I think everyone is already giving that asshole far more press than he deserves.

I’m also only human so there was no way in hell I was going to let this one go without chiming in.

“House of Representatives Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi said she will seek an ethics investigation Monday into sexual misconduct allegations against Representative David Wu. Pelosi called for the investigation after reported accusations that the Oregon Democrat had an unwanted sexual encounter with the teenage daughter of a campaign donor.

The new allegations follow other behavior problems for Wu. He announced in February that he was undergoing psychiatric treatment after his staff complained about his erratic behavior in the run up to the November 2010 Congressional elections.

They said Wu had behaved strangely at meetings and had e-mailed pictures of himself wearing a tiger suit to staff. Several key staff members resigned following the election.” – THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE

I think any sexual encounter with this freak is “unwanted”. And, look man, I know that deep down we all kind of fantasize about it but the reality is that no 56-year-old man has “consensual” sex with a fucking teenager. There’s usually rope and some kind of heavy barbiturate involved. Not that I would know. My disarming good looks and uncanny ability to relate to today’s youth are my weapons.

I just wish for once a member of Congress would get in trouble for something cool like secretly being a vigilante or notorious cat burglar. But, it’s always for chasing skirt or being crazy. And I don’t know about you but suddenly our inability to reach a debt deal in Congress doesn’t seem like a such a mystery. Does anybody actually do any work in our government? Jesus Christ. Put the iPhones down for a second, stop taking pictures of your junk and chatting with adolescent girls and maybe, you know, stop the country from falling apart like a goddamned Amish barn.

That’s another picture of Congressman Wu (who is apparently part Lego judging from his hair). He has refused to resign but has said he will not seek reelection. I would like to point out that if words like “unwanted sexual encounter”, “teenage daughter”, “erratic behavior”, “psychiatric treatment” and “tiger suit” appeared in anyone else’s personnel file at work they’d be terminated immediately. Possibly even arrested. You certainly wouldn’t have the luxury of choosing not to resign.

But a member of Congress is different. It’s kind of like being a superhero. They just live by different rules. Like me. Which, incidentally, is a fact that my local police department and the families of those cheerleaders have yet to wrap their heads around. Fucking ingrates.

21
Jul
11

WE NEED TO BREAK UP WITH PAKISTAN

There comes a point in a relationship when it becomes clear that it’s just not working. Like when my girlfriend in high school called the police on me for following her everywhere and going through her trash and threatening this other guy she was “dating” I knew it was time to sit down with her and have a very difficult conversation.

I’m starting to think that a similar moment has arrived with respect to our relationship with Pakistan. Finding Bin Laden there within like 100 feet of their biggest military academy was kind of like coming home from work early one day to find them in bed with another woman. Or man. Whatever. You know what I mean.

There’s also the fact that they pretty much go down on every terrorist organization in the world. Something they haven’t done for us in a long, long time. And even though we recently decided to suspend roughly $800 million in military aid I’m thinking it’s probably time to just cancel all the credit cards and change the locks on the house.

“A separatist leader in Indian-controlled Kashmir said Wednesday the Kashmiri-born man arrested in the U.S. on suspicion of being a Pakistani agent is a victim of a diplomatic conspiracy.

The charge against Syed Ghulam Nabi Fai of the Kashmiri American Council alleges he is an unregistered agent of a foreign government. The U.S. Justice Department says he donated millions to a Washington nonprofit in a secret lobbying effort led by Pakistani intelligence to influence U.S. policy on disputed Kashmir.

Several of Fai’s colleagues in the U.S. also said they were stunned by Fai’s arrest, calling the soft-spoken 62-year-old a “gentleman” who dedicated his whole life to the Kashmiri cause. Associate Nadim Malik, head of advocacy group Kashmir Mission USA, on Tuesday insisted “Dr. Fai and the Kashmiri freedom movement have nothing to do with the ISI.” – ASSOCIATED PRESS

Of course he’s “soft-spoken” and a “gentleman”. The Pakistanis aren’t going to send some screaming lunatic with an eyepatch and a pointy beard over here to sway members of Congress. And apparently, as I’ve blogged before, their ability to squeeze money out of us is already pretty effective. You know we just can’t stay mad at them for long when they put their hair up the way we like it and wear that dress that gets us all turned on.

But then, what blew my mind more than clown porn (which is surprisingly hot, btw) was this last part of the AP story:

“ISI has a complicated relationship with U.S. intelligence. The agency is a crucial ally against terrorists but also works against the U.S. at times, including running double agents against the CIA.”

What the hell are you talking about? That’s like saying that my wife is a crucial part of my life even though I routinely steal money from her purse and fuck the babysitter when she’s not home. And no, I don’t. The babysitter is like 60 and because we’re married it’s not considered stealing. So fuck you.

19
Jul
11

MATHPOCALYPSE IS ALMOST UPON US

So basically we’re inching closer and closer to the point where… something is going to happen. What? I don’t know. Something to do with numbers and money or the lack thereof. And China. The Chinese are definitely involved. Sounds like a goddamn Robert Ludlum novel. Of course a Ludlum novel would have a plot that you can follow. And a payoff. And tits. Lots of tits. Real life in Washington is just fucking incomprehensible. And no tits anywhere. Just asses.

And for some reason Eric Cantor looks like he’s about to anally rape John Boehner. Maybe they’re into that kind of thing. That’s cool. I mean it’s pretty disgusting but so are the things I do when I’m home alone so who am I to judge? Of course I wouldn’t have figured Cantor for a top. He looks like K.D. Lang. Although she’s pretty butch. So maybe he is too. Dammit, Cantor, no more smoke and mirrors. I want to see the real you.

“According to a CBS News Poll released Monday, 66 percent of Americans say an agreement to raise the amount of money the nation can borrow should include both spending cuts and tax increases.

And though the nation is divided on whether the debt ceiling should be raised at all, with 46 percent saying it should be raised and almost half-49 percent-saying it should not, more Americans favor an increase in the debt ceiling than one month ago. Almost a quarter of the country agreed the debt ceiling should be raised in June; that percentage increased by 22 percentage points in the new survey.” – CNN

Or, perhaps the reason both Cantor and Mr. Boehn look like they’re about to receive love enemas is because of what the rest of the poll had to say:

“Americans are unimpressed with their political leaders’ handling of the debt ceiling crisis, with a new CBS News poll showing a majority disapprove of all the involved parties’ conduct, but Republicans in Congress fare the worst, with just 21 percent backing their resistance to raising taxes.

Even half of the Republican respondents (51 percent) voiced disapproval of how members of their own party in Congress are handling the talks. Far fewer Democrats expressed disapproval of their own party’s handling (32 percent) or President Obama’s (22 percent) of the urgent quest to raise the nation’s debt limit ahead of a looming default on Aug. 2 if action isn’t taken.” – CBS

We’re going to tax the rich. Stop struggling and let it happen or you’ll just get hurt even worse. And stop acting like you don’t want it. You’re practically asking for it walking around all wealthy and influential like that. Maybe go somewhere else in your mind while it’s happening. You know, some kind of happy place. Afterward you can cry to your therapist or attend a support group. Just try and remember that you’re not a victim. You’re a survivor.

18
Jul
11

APPARENTLY, MISSILES ARE NOT DANGEROUS

So I had to work today, all day, and I got up extra early to post something this morning. But, the internet didn’t work. And while I’m sure it was just a coincidence there is a part of me that feels that my internet provider is out to get me. I mean, they had all day to fuck up and they chose the one time I needed internet access. What other conclusion am I supposed to come to?

At any rate, since my mind usually wanders while I’m at work, I’ve had all day to think about this one. And if you think that makes me a lazy employee, well, check this out:

“Romanian officials have reassured the public after the theft of more than 60 missile warheads from a train. The warheads were taken from a railway car carrying military equipment to neighbouring Bulgaria on Saturday. Officials said the stolen warheads could not be detonated because they were in component form without explosives.

Investigators say the missiles could have been stolen for their scrap metal value. Romanian media said when the freight train stopped in Giurgiu, southern Romania, it was found that doors on the railway car had been forced and four boxes of 16 warheads stolen. Officials are investigating how the theft could have happened while the consignment was being guarded by paramilitary police.

Romanian officials close to the investigation told two daily newspapers that the warheads did not contain explosives. Romanian police spokesman Florin Hulea also reassured the public, saying the warheads posed no risk.” – BBC NEWS

Although I’m not a military expert I’m going to speak rather definitively on the issue and say that nobody steals fucking missiles for scrap metal. People steal missiles to fire them. Usually at buildings or people. And, yes, without warheads they are indeed harmless. Until someone puts warheads in them. At which point they become pretty goddamn dangerous.

I’m also not an expert on Romanian paramilitary police. Yet it strikes me that their inability to guard a train full of missiles either means they’re a bunch of fucking idiots or they were somehow involved. And what do they care? They’re Romanians. Nobody wants to fire missiles at them.

Finally, and this is the part I really hate, don’t tell me that there’s no risk. I hate it when I’m told there’s no risk when something incredibly risky happens. “Stolen missiles” kind of goes up there with “nuclear meltdown” and “financial collapse” with respect to things which are really fucking bad news no matter how you spin it.

This actually reminds me that I would like to reassure all of the women I’ve slept with over the years that these lesions on my groin are nothing to worry about and pose no risk. Also, to the bus full of autistic adults I drunkenly exposed myself to, there’s nothing to worry about. I mean I know I said some pretty heinous stuff while I had my dick out and was making devil horns with my fingers. But, that was just drunk talk and nothing personal. So, you know, quit whining.