I haven’t done one of these in a while and I thought it was time to bring it back. For those of you who are new to Magnus Greel it’s pretty simple. Whenever President Obama gives a speech I like to rewrite it to have it contain what I wish he would say. Or what he should be saying. Or sometimes what I can just tell he wants to say but can’t. And today he gave a pretty interesting address about the debt crisis and where things are at.

I’ve done this a few times before here, here and here. People seemed to like it and it always gives me a chuckle. And hey, you know, that’s what life is about. Laughing. Seriously, man, it’s all we have left.


“My fellow Americans,

How you doing? Hanging in there? Good. Good. How about we step into my world for a little bit. I don’t sleep. I’ve popped so many Truckers Love It and chugged so much coffee in the last few weeks that I’m beginning to hallucinate. Yesterday I attacked Senator Mitch McConnell with a stapler because I thought he was an evil wizard or something. I’d like to apologize again to him and hope that they were able to get all the staples out of his face.

So here’s where we’re at. It’s actually not that hard to understand. Anyone who has ever balanced a checkbook before will be able to follow along.

We’re in debt. We need to increase the amount we are legally allowed to borrow in order to pay our bills. But, unless we make some changes in how the government makes and spends money we’re just going to keep going further down the hole. My proposal is simple: cut trillions of dollars in spending and raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans. And judging by all the available polling data a healthy majority of you agree with me. Word up.

The reason this hasn’t been done yet is because a small but vocal minority in the Republican Party would rather see the whole plane crash into the ground than pay a little more for the champagne in first class. What’s actually kind of ironic is that a lot of the people in this minority are not particularly rich themselves. But, they all think they’re going to be. One day. And I’m sure that’s working out well for them.

I know, they want you to say “job creators” instead of “rich”. And that’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. And Charles Manson is a “unifier and leader of people” not a “fucking lunatic”. You’re rich. You’re getting richer. And richer. And richer. Like every 30 seconds most of you become even more obscenely wealthy. And yet, not a whole lot of jobs being created out there. I see a lot of private jets being bought. Lot of swimming pools being put in. Lot of purchases from Tiffany’s. So when you gonna’ work your magic? Huh? Come on, we’ve been waiting since Reagan for your wealth to trickle down.

Well, I say we help the rich share their wealth. Fuck, man, I’m rich. You’d be surprised how much scratch the wife and I rake in. And if my taxes go up, well, I’ll still be rich. Yeah, slightly less rich than before. If you want to get all mathematical about it. But, I’m still gonna’ wear nice suits and eat like a goddamn king every night. And I’m still going to be better off than roughly 99% of everyone else so you won’t hear me bitching and moaning.

As I said, most of you agree with my approach. So I think the best thing for all of you to do is call your member of Congress. Got their numbers right here. Reach out and touch them. Tell them to get their shit together. Harass the living hell out of them. Because believe you me, until the American people get involved in this nothing is going to happen. I can’t do it by myself. I’m the President of the United States. Leader of the free world. I got 99 problems and the rich ain’t one.

One love. Peace out.”


4 Responses to “YOU DISAPPOINT ME”

  1. 1 Ra
    August 1, 2011 at 11:27 AM

    Dear Faher:

    Corporations cut jobs when taxes went down recently. They will keep cutting jobs. These are not the droids you are looking for.

  2. 2 faher
    July 30, 2011 at 2:34 AM

    “see a lot of private jets being bought. Lot of swimming pools being put in. Lot of purchases from Tiffany’s” Hmmm. building jets creates jobs. putting in swimming pools creates jobs, purchases at Tiffanys…. someone has to make the goods, deliveer the goods, inventory the goods, sell the goods, process the credit card payments, etc.

    But no, those must not be jobs.

    What happens when taxes go up is corporations cut spending, cut R&D, cut jobs because their first responsibility is to the shareholders… to bring in profits. Stop the profits and you have the real problems. Loss of jobs…

    Why dont people look to the past and use basic logic?

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