Archive for August, 2011

31
Aug
11

AND NOW FOR THE OTHER 2012…

I’m making a turkey today. Like serious Thanksgiving style with stuffing and gravy. Why? Shit, man, I don’t know. It’s this kind of bobbing and weaving that makes me so hard to pin down. Or it could be the Champagne I’ve been swigging like a French nobleman since 8:00 this morning. Hey, it’s Wednesday. The hump day.

Right now, say “2012” to anyone and they’ll think you mean the Presidential election. But, that’s not the only thing happening next year. There are a good number of people convinced that the world will end. Namely the Mayans and people who are really into the LEFT BEHIND series. And people in the Middle East.

“A Palestinian man has wounded seven Israelis near a Tel Aviv nightclub, ramming a car into a checkpoint and stabbing five people, police say.

The man drove a stolen taxi into the checkpoint, injuring two guards. He stabbed two other guards, two passers-by, and the taxi driver.

Attacks by Palestinians in Israeli cities have been rare in recent years.” – BBC NEWS

I think it’s in the Book of Harpsichords that the Bible predicts the End of Days will be preceded by rampaging Vehicular Kamikaze Knife Masters. I don’t know. I only read the Bible once and that was like 20 years ago. And yet I’ve read and reread AMERICAN PSYCHO like 30 times since it came out.

Many would say it’s no surprise that World War III would start in the most sociologically retarded region on the planet. It’s the same way you know that one day your new car is going to be wrecked by one of your kids. And chances are you already know which kid.

“The Israeli military is training settler security squads, and will arm them with tear gas and stun grenades, ahead of the Palestinian statehood vote at the United Nations, Haaretz reported.

The settler training is part of the IDF’s preparations for Operation Summer Seed to have the military ready for possible Palestinian mass protest and violence, according to Haaretz, citing a document obtained by the daily newspaper.

The document showed that the IDF has determined a red line for each Jewish settlement, which when crossed indicates when soldiers will be ordered to shoot at the feet of Palestinian protesters, Haaretz reported.“ – JTA

That should work. I don’t see anything potentially dangerous about teaching weekend warriors in the army of god to shoot at people’s feet. I’m sure the people in these areas are sensible types. And god never wants people to hurt each other. It’ll be fine.

So right now I would say that the Middle East is the early frontrunner for ultimately being responsible for World War III. In the coming weeks I’ll be looking at some of the other suspects. I’ll also be looking at monkeys having sex and episodes of GOLDEN GIRLS and keeping myself just on the edge of the greatest orgasm ever.

29
Aug
11

MICHELE BACHMANN IS READY FOR YOU TO TAKE HER SERIOUSLY NOW

There’s so much more going on in the world right now that resorting to posts about Michele Bachmann seems like a cheap and lazy way to get a laugh. It’s like making fun of the unwed mother next door or watching HOARDERS. Sure, it’s fun and good for a laugh but afterward you’ll just feel dirty. And not good dirty. Bad dirty.

Speaking of which, I make no attempt to hide my completely superficial attraction to The Bachster. I’ve never been so attracted to someone who’s every word I find so vile and offensive. We could only have sex if she let me gag her or if I wore an iPod. Which is kind of hot, by the way. The iPod I mean. Well, the gag is too but nothing beats doing it with Gang Star in your ears at top volume.

Hurricane Irene hit the East Coast over the weekend and it wasn’t long before my favorite squeeze tore off her clothes and jumped right into Lake Stupid. Taking a cue from the Yoda of the religious right, Pat Robertson, Bachmann declared that Hurricane Irene was a message from god.

“Even as Irene was beginning its raking course up the East Coast over the weekend, which killed 21 people and caused widespread flooding and power outages, Bachmann told senior citizens in Poinciana, Florida, on Saturday that the hurricane was an “act of God” that Washington should heed.

The Minnesota congresswoman, who has gained media prominence for her fiery attacks on Democratic President Barack Obama and against big government, recalled Washington and the east had already felt a 5.8 magnitude earthquake on Tuesday.

“Washington, D.C., you’d think by now they’d get the message. An earthquake, a hurricane. Are you listening? The American people have done everything they can, and now it’s time for an act of God and we’re getting it,” she said, drawing some laughs from her audience.” – REUTERS

How do we know god wasn’t angry about the new zoning laws in Washington DC? How do we know that aliens aren’t doing it on purpose to confuse us? How do we know it wasn’t just a fucking hurricane? I don’t know. Trying to figure this stuff out is like trying to open the puzzle box in the HELLRAISER movies.

Granted, Bachmann is relatively new to the whole 700 Club scene so I totally forgive her for dropping the ball here. This would have been a great opportunity to blame the hurricane on the gays and Bill Maher. She could have worked pornography and The New York Times in there too. Her primary demo eats that shit up with a spoon. But, you know, baby steps.

And why do we always give hurricanes these female names like Katrina or Irene? Irene sounds like a cold and unhappy old woman who constantly rains on everyone’s parade. Oh, wait, I get it now. That makes total sense. Never mind.

26
Aug
11

THE LOVE SHACK, BABY

Having studied criminology at one point in my life I know that some people are capable of anything. And there are a million reasons why. But, in the end, I think actions speak for themselves. Your mouth may deny being a sexual predator but your ski mask and cattle prod say otherwise.

“An 80-year old Austrian man has been taken into custody for allegedly sexually abusing his wife and his two mentally disabled daughters for more than 40 years, police and a prosecutor said Thursday.

The man’s wife died three years ago, investigators said, but the daughters still lived with their father in the northwestern town of Braunau. They slept on a wooden bench and were threatened by their father with a pitchfork, authorities said.

Police freed the two sisters in May 2011, after a social worker brought their allegations to authorities. The man had fallen on the floor that month and could not get up, officials said, and his daughters refused to help him for two days. The women then entrusted themselves to a social worker, who informed police about the situation.“ – CNN

They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But when the cover in question looks like Vincent Price I would gladly err on the side of blowing the book away instead of reading it. This guy couldn’t be more stereotypically creepy and weird. All he needs is a velvet smoking jacket and black leather gloves. And a cat.

I’m not sure what prison in Austria is like but I hope this guy spends the rest of his short life as shower bait. It won’t ever come close to being adequate retribution for four decades of torment. Then again, short of having to drink leper saliva, I don’t think anything is.

Of course even with the most healthy and normal relationships the magic fades in the bedroom after 40 years. At what point does threatening your mentally challenged offspring with a pitchfork and demanding sex get old? Apparently, in Austria, it doesn’t.

“In 2008, Austrian Josef Fritzl was arrested after having imprisoned and raped his daughter for 24 years. He was convicted on charges of incest, rape, false imprisonment, assault and murder and sentenced to life in prison in 2009. The murder charge was for allowing one of the babies he fathered with his daughter to die shortly after birth.”

I’ll be the first to admit to being into some kinky stuff. And some downright filthy stuff. But, I can safely say that nothing I dig breaks the law. Or defies the bounds of human morality. Seriously, whatever happened to just meeting a college chick at a bar, talking her into wearing an SS uniform and watching while you and your wife do it to old RAMMSTEIN albums? What’s with all the incest and torture? They don’t have Craigslist where these people live?

Trust me, there are people out there who would willingly let you lock them up in a dungeon and play freaky sex games. No need to threaten anyone with farm implements. You would be seriously amazed at what $150 can still get you in this economy.

24
Aug
11

JOE BIDEN WANTS YOU TO COME BACK TO HIS PLACE

Joe Biden is a pretty smart guy. He’s been around for a long, long time in an arena which is brutal and unforgiving. He’s also a pretty sharp dresser and for a man his age he still has a respectable head of hair.

He also has notorious diarrhea of the mouth. His lengthy political career is punctuated with harsh examples of his big mouth. And it’s not even that he curses a lot or insults people. It’s more a case of his brain being like alphabet soup and there’s no telling what complete and utter nonsense is going to end up on your spoon when you… um, you know, eat Joe Biden.

“In a public and personal show of support, Vice President Joe Biden told the Japanese people Tuesday that their resilience in the wake of an unprecedented natural disaster was an inspiration to the world.

In meetings in Tokyo and a visit to an area ravaged by the March earthquake and tsunami, Biden said that as an ally and friend, the United States would continue to do all it can in the nation’s time of need, because he knew “you would do the same.”

Biden then drove to a community center where an entire neighborhood now lives together in temporary housing. The vice president spent time with clusters of the residents one by one, alternately expressing his sympathy to and hamming it up with the delighted locals.

“You have a smile that lights up the whole parking lot!” he declared to an 89-year-old woman, whom he called “mother.”

“I want a hug,” Biden replied. “Would you come home with me?” – LOS ANGELES TIMES

What the fuck, man? Are you drunk? And who has the bright idea to send Joe Biden on a feel good PR trip in the first place? They don’t have better things for him to do? Send Brad Pitt or Jennifer Lopez. Keep Biden and his Gerontophilia in a bunker somewhere.

Secondly, I’m not entirely sure the Japanese would “do the same” for us. I’m not sure there are a whole lot of countries in the world who would try to help us right now. Certainly not the only country ever to suffer a nuclear attack at our hands.

You’d think that a career politician with as many years of experience as Biden would avoid a sound bite like that. Of course you’d also think that a career politician like Biden wouldn’t hand his enemies political ammunition like this:

“Vice President Joe Biden has been collecting rent from the Secret Service agents assigned to protect him.

The Los Angeles Times reports that Biden spends many weekends and some week days at his Delaware home and the Secret Service travels with him. He also owns a cottage next door – and when the most recent tenant left, Biden offered it to his bodyguards.

The renting price is $2,200 a month. Biden says that’s the same rent as the previous tenant. The vice president has collected more than $13,000 in rent so far this year.” – ABC NEWS

You know, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with renting your property. Hell, I make my wife pay rent to live with me. But when it comes to the people whose job is to take a bullet for you I think I could cut some slack. Like, all of it.

You are supposed to pay the people protecting you and not the other way around. On the other hand, getting people to pay you to protect you means you have totally revolutionized the concept of economics. In which case Biden is a genius. And my advice is that they should pretty much run with that. It’s really all they have.

23
Aug
11

KIM JONG IL IS IN RUSSIA

It’s such a beautiful day today that it seems like a crime to come inside and do any work. Of course it seems like that on most days regardless of the weather. Work sucks, period. Although getting paid is often nice. If there was just some way I could get paid without working then I think I’d be on to something.

I also think I’m on to something when it comes to the comings and goings of North Korea’s geriatric autocrat, Kim Jong Il. Just when you think he’s gone he shows up like a cameo on a bad sitcom.

“North Korean leader Kim Jong Il ate local Siberian delicacies including omul fish as he toured the world’s largest freshwater lake, Baikal, today before a meeting with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.

Kim, who made a 24-day railway trip across Russia to meet then-President Vladimir Putin in Moscow in 2001 and returned a year later to Vladivostok, is traveling on a 21-carriage train with his personal Mercedes. He arrived today in Ulan Ude, where regional officials and young people dressed in national costumes welcomed him, the state-run Itar-Tass news agency said.

Kim bathed in a swimming pool with water from Baikal before getting onto a boat for his lake tour, Itar-Tass said. He was later offered Siberian dishes including dumplings, boiled sausage and omul, a fish unique to Baikal.” – BLOOMBERG

If memory serves this guy was supposed to be on the brink of death as recently as last month. He seems pretty spry for a man in such allegedly ill health. Christ, he gets way more shit done than I do. Sailing? Swimming? Cruising in his Mercedes? He sounds pretty fucking healthy to me. Why are we worried about his successor at all? This guy is not going anywhere.

And why are they letting him wander around the country doing whatever the hell he wants? That’s like inviting the crazy uncle you don’t talk to over to your house for a few weeks. Just ask me for the money and I’ll mail you a check, Uncle Freddie. The judge said a thousand feet.

Some are speculating that this is part of a farewell tour for the 70-year-old North Korean leader. Despite running around Russia like Steve Austin he’s widely believed to be dying. Then again I’m widely believed to owe Visa a cold 5 big ones. But, I don’t put a lot of stock in hearsay. I’m a little too real for that.

22
Aug
11

I CAN’T QUIT YOU, MAXINE WATERS

I’ve actually been out of town since last week. I didn’t just do my birthday thing and then blow the rest of the week off. I just didn’t have access to my computer for the last five days. I was out in the middle of nowhere and it was pretty freaking awesome.

At any rate I’m back home now. And no sooner did I sit down in front of the computer when I found myself rekindling an old flame in the form of California Congresswoman Maxine Waters.

“This is a tough game. You can’t be intimidated. You can’t be frightened. And as far as I’m concerned — the Tea Party can go straight to hell,” Waters told an Inglewood, California audience at a “Kitchen Table Summit” Saturday night, according to Los Angeles television station KABC.

Waters made waves last week when she openly criticized Mr. Obama’s style and called on him to get tough with Republicans in order to help disadvantaged Americans, including African Americans.

“The president is going to have to fight and he is going to have to fight hard,” she said at a job fair in Atlanta on Thursday.” – CBS NEWS

You’re probably waiting for me to write a bunch of sexually suggestive stuff about the Congresswoman up there. And, truth be told, I would nail Maxine Waters in a heartbeat. But I wouldn’t put too much stock in my opinion. I get aroused at anything, really. My doctor calls it a “sickness” but I think she’s just angry that she can’t have me.

Waters is notoriously outspoken and I really like watching her on C-Span. I mean I really like watching her. She reminds me of a cross between Jackie Brown and a Klingon. Which, in my world, is pretty fucking cool.

Unfortunately, even though I agree with Waters in spirit I can’t say I agree with her assessment of things. Although I’m sure the Tea Party will lose some of its gains from 2010 in the coming election, I don’t think they’re going away anytime soon. Like Herpes or the state of Indiana they’ll be around fucking everything up for a while.

On a totally unrelated note, I’m finally on Twitter now as well as Facebook. And I’m working on getting some Magnus Greel merchandise type stuff so you can all impress your friends and family with how willing you are to be a walking billboard.

17
Aug
11

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY

I had been thinking of all kinds of weirdness for today. A drunken podcast. Posting all the prank phone calls I’ve made. I even considered “outing” myself and telling you my real name and showing you a picture of my face. I seriously kept trying to think of something really crazy and awesome to do.

But, in the end, it was my wife who gave me the best advice for how to mark this occasion. She said I should just do what I always do. That is, after all, why people come by this site. So I spent some time reflecting on why I started Magnus Greel a year ago today in the first place.

I began blogging as Magnus Greel in 2005 on the website Daily Kos. It was, at the time, my only real outlet for venting the anger and frustration I was feeling with regard to where this country and the world were going. Bush was in office. Congress was in Republican hands. We were at war in Iraq. And I really believed that empowering the Democratic Party was the path to overcoming all of our troubles. Jesus, was I ever that young?

I profoundly thank Markos Moulitsas for founding Daily Kos. Having a forum I could visit while at work or from home helped me realize that I wasn’t alone. For the first time I felt like I was part of a movement. But a movement, by definition, only goes a certain distance before stopping. By 2009 I found myself evolving and KOS was evolving as well. Just in different directions. I needed something else.

I started Magnus Greel with my youngest son on my lap. His death a month later would give me the clarity to see that, while this is only another blog in a sea of blogs, I had something to say and only a finite amount of time in this life to say it. Ultimately, Greel has become more than an alter ego. More than a platform for me to say what I think. More than a way to entertain people. It is the thing that has often kept me sane. And without getting all fucking weepy I do want to say that I owe a lot of this to you guys for coming by this site and reading what I have to say. And if there are any pillars of wisdom at the core of Greel then here they are.

 

IT’S ALL BULLSHIT

“The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous. Hierarchical society is only possible on the basis of poverty and ignorance… In principle the war effort is always planned to keep society on the brink of starvation.” – George Orwell

The political divisions in this country are largely manufactured. Politicians, and businessmen for that matter, thrive and profit on conflict. The gridlock in Washington is basically theater put on for our benefit. And while I do believe that certain ideals and beliefs are at stake the end result has little to do with us. As I have said repeatedly on this site, 99% of us are not rich yet the people we routinely elect to office are. You really think they’re going to Washington or the state capital to represent us? And if you think the courts are here to put a check on the rich people making and passing laws, consider that to be a judge you have to first be a lawyer.

 

GOD IS DESIGNED TO SCARE YOU

“All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.” – Thomas Paine

God doesn’t give a shit about money or pornography. He is, in all likelihood, not even real. There’s a reason that organized religion seeks to assert control over the most intimate parts of your life like eating, dressing, speaking and even fucking. Religion is about scaring the shit out of you at even the most private moments. Once that’s accomplished it’s pretty easy to tell you who god wants you to vote for or what store he wants you to shop at or what country he wants you to bomb.

 

CAPITALISM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FREEDOM

“What do you mean I don’t pay my bills? Why do you think I’m broke?” – Dave Mustaine

Economics in general, be it capitalism or socialism or whatever, is designed to keep people like you and I running in place until we die. The reality is that there will always be rich people and poor people. And while America does offer an unparalleled chance for anyone to become rich, the sad fact of reality is that most of us never will. It’s not that I want to put a damper on the American dream or anything. I just think it needs to come with a dose of realism. The more realistic your expectations in life the greater the chance you’ll end up happy.

 

YOUR JOB DOES NOT DEFINE YOU

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.” – Tyler Durden

Why is it that when we meet someone for the first time the first thing we ask them is what do they do for a living? What fucking difference does that make? I don’t give a shit what you do for a living. No offense, but I don’t. Having to make a living is as old as human history. It’s an unfortunate reality. I work because I have to and I refuse to add further insult to this and allow my job to somehow be a measure of who and what I am.

 

QUESTION EVERYTHING

“Small though it is, the human brain is quite effective when used properly.” – Doctor Who

I don’t think I’m smarter than anyone else, except maybe George Bush (not that one, the other one). However, I think I achieved a certain enlightenment when I finally got it through my thick skull to take nothing for granted. Nothing. Just because it’s on TV or on the internet or spoken from the halls of power does not mean that it’s true. The human mind has a natural ability to connect the dots when we allow it to. Asking questions is at the very core of what freedom really is. The most effective form of tyranny comes not from the barrel of a gun or the fear of persecution. It comes from letting others tell us what to think.

Thank you again for reading and remember: we’re all in this together.