Chances of winning the nomination: Good

Chances of beating Barack Obama: Poor to fair

Retard Index: 1.836

I thought I was done handicapping the Republican Presidential wannabes, um, hopefuls. Whatever. But, like any gathering of mentally and hygienically challenged people someone is going to show up late. And probably drunk. Or as the product of a hideous cloning experiment. Or from Texas. Not that I have a problem with Texas. Just the people who live there and keep electing people like Rick Perry to office. Otherwise I think you’re all pretty cool. All four of you, three of whom now live in California.

After a few months of playing coy like a little girl on a school playground Rick Perry has announced his intention to run for President. Well, to be accurate he has announced his interest in being serious about his being interested in running for President. Or something like that. I’m not a man with a lot of standards. Yet somehow if I pretended to really care about this guy or take him seriously then someone should take my children away and make me talk to a therapist on a weekly basis.

“Texas Gov. Rick Perry will be joined by his family in South Carolina this weekend for a major speech in which he will strongly signal his intention to run for president, two GOP sources told CNN.

Perry is not expected to make a formal campaign announcement on Saturday in Charleston, but people familiar with the planning say that Perry’s speech to the RedState Gathering, a convention of conservative activists, will erase any doubt about his presidential ambitions.

The Texas governor has been meeting with donors and talking to activists in key caucus and primary states for weeks as he lays groundwork for a potential campaign.” – CNN

Aww, come on, Perry. Quit dancing around in those panties and show us the goods. Go on now, pull it out. Don’t be shy. You know you’re going to so just do it. Nobody likes a tease. Seriously, they don’t. That shit sucks. It’s the same problem I’ve always had with strippers. Quit fucking around and show me your vagina. I didn’t pay a cover charge (or a criminally high ATM fee) to sit and wonder what your vulva looks like.

The sad thing about American politics is that four years is an eternity. People forget that we already had a deeply religious, not entirely bright Texas governor in the White House. It’s even sadder that a good number of Americans will look at Perry and call him a “fresh face”. He’s a true conservative which means he hates taxes and black people. And probably women too. Who knows.

Then again maybe Rick Perry is different. Perhaps I’m being unfair. Maybe I’m letting his southern drawl, masturbatory love of business and overt Christianity cloud my judgment. It’s like this one time, when I was “drunk”, I exposed myself to a retired woman in my building. She made a big stink about it and “called the police”. Christ. Get over it lady that was like, yesterday. I’m not going to do the same thing again. Quit subjecting everyone to your trust issues.



  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: