29
Aug
11

MICHELE BACHMANN IS READY FOR YOU TO TAKE HER SERIOUSLY NOW

There’s so much more going on in the world right now that resorting to posts about Michele Bachmann seems like a cheap and lazy way to get a laugh. It’s like making fun of the unwed mother next door or watching HOARDERS. Sure, it’s fun and good for a laugh but afterward you’ll just feel dirty. And not good dirty. Bad dirty.

Speaking of which, I make no attempt to hide my completely superficial attraction to The Bachster. I’ve never been so attracted to someone who’s every word I find so vile and offensive. We could only have sex if she let me gag her or if I wore an iPod. Which is kind of hot, by the way. The iPod I mean. Well, the gag is too but nothing beats doing it with Gang Star in your ears at top volume.

Hurricane Irene hit the East Coast over the weekend and it wasn’t long before my favorite squeeze tore off her clothes and jumped right into Lake Stupid. Taking a cue from the Yoda of the religious right, Pat Robertson, Bachmann declared that Hurricane Irene was a message from god.

“Even as Irene was beginning its raking course up the East Coast over the weekend, which killed 21 people and caused widespread flooding and power outages, Bachmann told senior citizens in Poinciana, Florida, on Saturday that the hurricane was an “act of God” that Washington should heed.

The Minnesota congresswoman, who has gained media prominence for her fiery attacks on Democratic President Barack Obama and against big government, recalled Washington and the east had already felt a 5.8 magnitude earthquake on Tuesday.

“Washington, D.C., you’d think by now they’d get the message. An earthquake, a hurricane. Are you listening? The American people have done everything they can, and now it’s time for an act of God and we’re getting it,” she said, drawing some laughs from her audience.” – REUTERS

How do we know god wasn’t angry about the new zoning laws in Washington DC? How do we know that aliens aren’t doing it on purpose to confuse us? How do we know it wasn’t just a fucking hurricane? I don’t know. Trying to figure this stuff out is like trying to open the puzzle box in the HELLRAISER movies.

Granted, Bachmann is relatively new to the whole 700 Club scene so I totally forgive her for dropping the ball here. This would have been a great opportunity to blame the hurricane on the gays and Bill Maher. She could have worked pornography and The New York Times in there too. Her primary demo eats that shit up with a spoon. But, you know, baby steps.

And why do we always give hurricanes these female names like Katrina or Irene? Irene sounds like a cold and unhappy old woman who constantly rains on everyone’s parade. Oh, wait, I get it now. That makes total sense. Never mind.

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