Archive for September, 2011

29
Sep
11

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD IS HERE TO RESCUE YOU

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has drawn the ire of Al Qaeda after going before the United Nations earlier this week and suggesting that 9/11 was an American conspiracy. Why is he Darth Vader? He’s not. He’s the dude standing behind him. I’m running out of characters from the original STAR WARS for these pieces but I’m not so desperate that I would waste Darth Vader on that specimen. Considering that Jimmy Carter was Obi Wan Kenobi I think the big boy in black up there should be someone who has been around for a while.

Carter and Ahmadinejad share no personal history together that I’m aware of. But, Carter is recognized as presiding over an era of which Ahmadinejad is also very much a product: The 1970’s. Before the dark times. Before The Empire. And ever since then Carter has just become a crazy old man living out beyond the Dune Sea of sanity and reason. Ahmadinejad was seduced by the dark side and turned to evil. And I really don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about anymore.

“Al-Qaida has sent a message to the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asking him to stop spreading conspiracy theories about the 9/11 attacks.

Iranian media on Wednesday reported quotes from what appears to be an article published in the latest issue of the al-Qaida English language magazine, Inspire, which described Ahmadinejad’s remarks over the 11 September attacks as “ridiculous”.

In his UN general assembly speech last week, Ahmadinejad cast doubt over the official version of the 2001 attacks…

…Ahmadinejad said in New York that the “mysterious September 11 incident” had been used as a pretext to attack Afghanistan and Iraq. He had also previously expressed scepticism at the US version of events.

“By using their imperialistic media network which is under the influence of colonialism, they threaten anyone who questions the Holocaust and the September 11 event with sanctions and military actions,” said Ahmadinejad.” – THE GUARDIAN

I always find Ahmadinejad’s insane rantings to be greatly entertaining. Not so much the idea of him getting his hands on a nuclear weapon though. Or doing something really crazy like this. And questioning something like the Holocaust or September 11th doesn’t exactly endear you to most people in the Manhattan area.

Then again it’s kind of funny that Al Qaeda would take it so personally. It’s never good for a terrorist organization to look insecure. And exactly how do terrorists terrorize each other? And if one gets struck down will it become more powerful than you or I can possibly imagine?

I think his fifteen minutes are up and he’s going to disappear like Roberto Benigni. I’m already looking ahead to who is going to replace him once he’s gone. Of course, I am also looking ahead to a time when money is no longer necessary and vaginas grow on trees. So, you know, maybe I’m not the best person to ask.

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26
Sep
11

THERE’S A BETTER WAY TO DO THIS

Let me start out by saying that I have no love for Wall Street. Fuck, to be honest I have almost no understanding of what Wall Street actually does. They seem to have everyone’s money and, for some reason, won’t give it back. That’s not cool, man.

For the last few weeks protesters have been attempting to “occupy” Wall Street. My guess is this might come as news to some of you especially if you live in America. Why? American media has given it almost no coverage. But, outside the Corporate American Media Retardation Apparatus (CAMRA- like that? I made it up myself) you can get just about all the coverage you need.

“The anti-capitalist protests that have become something of a fixture in Lower Manhattan over the past week or so have taken on a distinctly ugly turn.

Police have been accused of heavy-handed tactics after making 80 arrests on Saturday when protesters marched uptown from their makeshift camp in a private park in the financial district.

Footage has emerged on YouTube showing stocky police officers coralling a group of young female protesters and then spraying them with mace, despite being surrounded and apparently posing threats of only the verbal kind.

The media here in New York has been accused of being slow off the mark to cover the demonstrations, which have been going on for more than a week.” – THE GUARDIAN

I could not support the cause championed by the protestors more. I get it. I really do. Anyone who has read this site will know of my utter contempt for corporations, the financial sector and math in general. You’ll also have noticed my razor sharp wit and Romanesque sexual appetite. But here’s my problem with what’s going on: The 60’s are over, dudes, and you’re just pissing people off. Street protests are impractical and, in this day and age, obsolete.

Unless you’re going to march on Wall Street with like a million people you’re just annoying everyone. Including people who might agree with you. A good example would be the teacher’s union marches in Los Angeles when I lived there. I sided with the teachers, personally, but when you add 45 minutes to my already obnoxious commute you make an enemy out of me.

What to do then? Here are three suggestions. And these are not just ideas out of my ass. I regularly engage in them and can give them my own personal Stamp Of Disobedient Operations against Mainstream Institutions and Entities. SODOMIE, for short.

 

TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY OUT OF THE BANK

The easiest, and still most effective, way to resist is to stop giving these people your money. That starts at the financial rapehouse, AKA “your bank”. Like any virus or parasitic organism, once you deprive it of sustenance it becomes weak and dies. Then, we might actually be in a better position to dictate some terms of our own.

 

USE WHAT LITTLE FREE TIME YOU HAVE TO WASTE AS MUCH OF THEIRS AS POSSIBLE

Time is money in that world. The more of it you waste, the more you can end up costing them. Corporate phone directories can be the source of hours of fun. Fuck “customer service”. The point of “customer service” is to provide a barrier between you and the people who have your money. Instead, a little digging online will unearth direct dial phone numbers for the corporate offices of just about any business entity. When my kids are napping I like to hop on Skype and get myself transferred from office to office at Target or Bank of America headquarters. It’s amazing because the more you can sound like you know what you’re talking about the longer you can keep various executives and their secretaries on the phone.

A similar tactic is to bill corporations for everything you can think of. Your groceries. Your internet usage. Time spent masturbating. You’re not going to see a cent but that’s not the point. Any bill for services rendered has to be reviewed by someone. And the more complex and official sounding you can make the bill the longer it takes to figure out that you’re just fucking with them.

 

STOP BUYING SHIT YOU DON’T NEED

You want to change the economic landscape? Stop buying shit. Grow your own food. Create your own electricity. Start walking or riding a bike instead of driving. Does this sound impractical? Unrealistic? People did it for thousands of years without needing grocery stores or SUV’s. We’ve gotten lazy and distracted. What’s more, we’ve allowed corporate America to convince us that we “need” most of the shit they’re selling.

Just imagine if a few million people started doing these things every day instead of marching around Central Park banging drums and chanting 40-year-old slogans. Real resistance begins at home. Effective resistance need never leave there.

23
Sep
11

THE WEEKEND WORD: TREACHERY

This has been a very trying morning for me so far. I already wrote out this entire goddamn post and then my computer crashed and I lost it. So, I’m basically writing this whole thing again from memory which, as flawless as mine is, is still fucking aggravating. I guess what really makes me mad is that it’s almost 11 AM on a Friday and not a beer has been opened nor an all-girl German fetish porno tugged to. Mein Penis ist böse!

Sigh. Okay, let’s try this again.

On September 13th the American Embassy in Afghanistan was attacked by Taliban-backed militants in a raid which I’m sure they thought was strategically brilliant. It turned out to be pretty moronic, actually, when the seven uneducated nimrods they sent to carry out this plan came up against a heavily fortified compound defended by some of the best trained special operations forces in the world. But hey, they get an A for… vandalism I guess. This isn’t a game of RISK, dudes. It’s not like you were going to take the American Embassy and hold it as part of a larger gambit to conquer Eurasia.

What became immediately apparent was that the attack was aided and possibly ordered by Pakistan. I’ve posted about them a number of times, most notably here, here and here. But, there’s really nothing more I can say except that they’re a bunch of evil bastards. Seriously, man, look at the picture of Pakistani Prime Minister Yousef Gilani and his buddies up there. They couldn’t look more stereotypically sinister and diabolical if they all had pointy moustaches and black bandit masks.

“There has never been much doubt in Washington that the shadowy Inter-Services Intelligence agency (ISI) plays a “double game,” supporting some militants to extend its influence in Afghanistan and counter India, while targeting others.

But the gloves came off on Thursday when U.S. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Mike Mullen bluntly described the Haqqani militant network as a “veritable arm” of the ISI and accused Pakistan of providing support for the group’s September 13 brazen attack on the U.S. embassy in Kabul.

It was the most serious allegation leveled by Washington against the nuclear-armed South Asian nation since they allied in the war on terror in 2001, and the first time it has held Islamabad responsible for an attack against the United States.” – REUTERS

Which brings me to this week’s edition of THE WEEKEND WORD. And today I think the word, as defined from my very own GREELOPEDIA, is perfectly relevant:

“TREACHERY – noun

1. The act of receiving billions of dollars in financial aid from another country while plotting against them and helping their enemies (See also SAUDI ARABIA, EGYPT and IRAQ).

2. Pretending to be a modern power while actively working to drag an entire region kicking and screaming back to the fucking stone age (See also ANY COUNTRY IN THE MIDDLE EAST)

3. Blowing all your limited resources on a nuclear arsenal as a means of extorting money and aid from the international community (See also IRAN, NORTH KOREA, ISRAEL).

4. Letting known terrorist leaders and criminals hideout within walking distance of your largest and most prestigious military academy, then acting surprised when they are discovered and killed.

5. Sharing your military and nuclear technology with other nations committed to the destruction of the very people trying to help you (See JUST ABOUT EVERY COUNTRY OUTSIDE OF THE UNITED STATES).

6. A word associated with the behavior of one who is untrustworthy or inherently bad or evil (see also HITLER, ADOLPH and THE KOCH BROTHERS).

7. The practice of deceiving others for one’s own personal gain (See also STALIN, JOSEPH and THE REPUBLICAN PARTY).”

21
Sep
11

MATH WARFARE, RELOADED

I’ve been waiting a long, long time for this. Not as long as an Isabella Rossellini sex tape or Cannabis suppositories. But, ever since I started this site I’ve waited for the day that someone would send me an angry rebuttal to one of my posts. And yesterday, my post MATH WARFARE! was finally the bright and shiny lure that drew a fierce right wing trout from the depths of Lake Idiot.

Granted, most of this guy’s email consisted of obscenities, overuse of the words “faggot” and “cocksucker” and more than a few comments about my mother. And I’m not going to get him all excited and happy by posting the entire thing here. I am, however, going to respond to some of his more coherent arguments (such as they were) and thank him for giving me a good chuckle. Then I’m gonna’ jerk off while on the phone with my internet provider because I’m just that comfortable with myself.

 

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR MONEY??”

Good point. I’m not telling people what to do with their money. I’m telling the rich they have to pay more taxes. They happen to wield almost totalitarian power over the rest of us. They decide our wages. They decide the cost of our standard of living. They own our media. They run our government. So, yeah, I don’t feel bad about exercising some power over them and drawing more blood. Everything in life comes with a price and that’s the price they pay for all that control over the rest of us. Oh yeah, and fuck them too.

 

“Don’t you fucking dare rase my taxes!”

I support raising taxes on the wealthy. Not you. You’re not wealthy or you would  a) probably know how to spell “raise” and  b) probably not even bother reading my blog. You’re a wannabe. But, like most of us, you’re also a never-will-be. Keep on sticking your tongue up the asses of the top ten percent and see how far that gets you. But, hey, don’t take my word for it. Write me back a year from now, or even ten years from now, and tell me how that whole social hierarchy thing is working out for you.

 

“You are a fucking SOCIALIST!”

Dude, I don’t know if you’ve read any other posts on this site but that’s kind of obvious. I salute your impeccable detective skills. Yes, I believe in a certain amount of socialism. I also prefer limited capitalism to complete anarchy. Maybe when you were in college you should have taken a break from math and economics and studied some rudimentary political science and world history. Every society ever created has had a socialist element to it. Even ours. Think about that the next time you have to call 911 or sue someone. Or, you know, finish getting that education.

 

“If you don’t like it here you should go back to RUSSIA.”

I’m from Illinois, not Russia. I’ve never been to Russia so there’s little chance of me going back there. Also, you’re clearly referring to Russia’s former role as the dominant force in the Soviet Union. That ended over 20 years ago. Since then they have been a predominantly capitalist country like us. Again, maybe you should put down the Wall Street Journal and pick up a fucking history book. And what’s with the caps? You’re not Al Pacino.

 

“Pussy fuckers like you are why real Americans own guns. I hope someone who fought for this country hunts you down and blows your faggot ass away.”

My proclivity for fucking pussy aside (seriously, dude, what exactly do you stick your dick into?) I also own a gun. And knives. And I train in hand-to-hand combat. What, you thought because I believe in social equality and worker empowerment that I’m some kind of tie-dye wearing hippie throwing up peace signs? Think again. Or try thinking to begin with. And, like most people on your end of the political spectrum, my guess is that you’ve never served a day in the military in your life. Which is why you’re hoping that “someone who fought for this country” comes and tries to harm me instead of doing it yourself. My advice is to return your fat ass to your armchair, open up another bag of Doritos and watch some more Spike TV. Maybe help your wife into her plus size clothing in time for the church bake sale.

20
Sep
11

MATH WARFARE!

I was cruising the news pages all day yesterday trying to find a unifying theme to another raving post about math and economics. Obama brought tax hikes for the privileged back to the table and once again cries of “class warfare” erupted from both sides. To which Obama responded that it was not class warfare but simple math.

One thing I know for sure is that math is never simple. Another thing I know is that class warfare is a harsh reality at any period in human history. And math is usually the biggest weapon of mass destruction ever wielded in that struggle. I’m not talking about normal math. You know, the kind where you add or subtract things. I’m talking about the bullshit kind of math which uses ancient Greek symbols and abstract theorems and basically is designed to be mastered by a few and yet applied to all of us.

I went back at it this morning and found this opinion piece by Eamonn Butler at THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, a publication with a notoriously Borg-like disposition. If the rich were a football team the WSJ would be a bunch of horny, anorexic cheerleaders. Borg cheerleaders. Which, just as an aside, is way hot when I think about it. At any rate, the piece sums up the case against taxing the rich in this way: it’s immoral because it makes them unhappy. Or something like that.

You can check out the article here. And reading it will probably make my paranoid ranting easier to understand. While well-written, and admittedly not all that out of touch with reality for an article in the Wall Street Journal, it does underscore my point that this entire debate focuses on the concerns of the rich. Concerns which are not shared by over 90 percent of us. Absolutely this is class warfare.

Are the grandiose concerns of the wealthy more important than your ability to afford life saving medicine? Or to keep your house? Or have money to retire when you’re just too fucking old to work anymore? Yes, it’s important to have an American Dream. In fact I’m all for it. It’s just that my American Dream involves not having to scrape together change to put gas in my car or resort to a charity to feed my family as much as it does the hope that one day I’ll be successful at something. Yeah, I want a nice car too. I want a swimming pool. I want to be sued for sexual harassment and then use my deep pockets and deeper political connections to get the case thrown out.

But is that dream, no matter how remote, that important? How good does your life have to be? And when does the quality of life for the rest of us become more important than the morality of putting limits on that dream for the few lucky enough to achieve it? And is it moral to lower the hopes and aspirations of the vast majority of us who will never make it that high up the ladder? No. It’s not. It’s a matter of survival and that’s why I wouldn’t think twice about giving the rich the economic equivalent of a prison shower rape. In the end they’ll still be rich. So they can blow me.

The wealthy have the luxury of riding out economic crises. The rest of us, historically, get fucked. And not in a fun, Rocco Siffredi way either. America’s fiscal calamity has been little more than an academic exercise for the top ten percent of earners. For everyone else it has been prolonged economic combat. And we are closer to the point of being beaten into submission than we are like to have been in generations. Yeah, it’s class warfare. It’s always been class warfare. Sometimes it’s dressed up as ideological warfare or cultural warfare. But, in the end, it’s about rich people making the decisions for the rest of us. So don’t be afraid to call it what it is.

16
Sep
11

THE WEEKEND WORD: PARANOIA

Yesterday I did a post in which I made use of the GREELOPEDIA, which is basically my attempt at updating words and definitions in our language to be more relevant. I got a few emails asking me if there are more definitions to be shared from this text. The answer is yes. Another question was whether or not I’m just making this shit up as I go along. To which the answer is also yes. Yet another question was if I dig the butt. My answer was, most emphatically, yes. A thousand times, yes.

And so, in the spirit of doing something different, I’m going to make Fridays a day of definitions. I’m calling this new segment THE WEEKEND WORD. This weekend our word is “Paranoia”, a term which is becoming more and more relevant as we watch the increasing amateur melodramatics taking place at the United Nations.

“President Mahmoud Abbas said on Friday he would demand full membership of the United Nations for a Palestinian state when he goes to the U.N. General Assembly next week, setting up a diplomatic clash with Israel and the United States.

“We are going to the United Nations to request our legitimate right, obtaining full membership for Palestine in this organization,” Abbas said in a televised speech.

The Palestinians say almost 20 years of on-off direct talks on statehood envisaged by interim peace accords have hit a dead end for reasons including Israel’s refusal to stop expanding settlements in the West Bank and East Jerusalem, lands it took in the 1967 Arab-Israeli war and which Palestinians want, along with the Gaza Strip, for an independent state.

The last round of the U.S.-backed talks between Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu collapsed nearly a year ago when the Jewish state declined to extend a partial moratorium on West Bank settlement building.” – REUTERS

I don’t take sides in this particular conflict as I think to do so would serve only to make me stupider. Dumber. Whatever. At any rate, the central issue here is not Arab land or international recognition of Palestine or Jewish stuff. It’s good old fashioned paranoia. And what exactly does that mean? According to the GREELOPEDIA:

“PARANOIA – noun

1. One who thinks that attention is being paid to them by everyone else in the belief that they matter somehow. Which, of course, they don’t.

2. The mistaken belief that anyone in the civilized world gives a rat’s ass about your ancient religious feuds and would actually take a side (See also ISRAEL, PALESTINE, SERBIA, PAKISTAN, NORTHERN IRELAND, TEXAS).

3. The false assumption that anyone cares enough about your country to actually make the effort to do it harm. This assumption often leads to belligerent and overtly aggressive behavior which, ironically, results in the sufferer persecuting someone else (See also THE BUSH DOCTRINE and THE ISRAELI MILITARY).

4. The donning of ancient religious headgear in an attempt to distinguish your barbaric nonsense from someone else’s barbaric nonsense in the erroneous belief that  a) anyone can tell the fucking difference and  b) gives a shit (See also HIJAB, TURBAN, YAMUKAH, FEZ, MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL HATS).

5. A mental disorder characterized by the belief that  a) god exists,  b) gives a shit about you and  c) is even paying attention to this tiny fart in the history of the universe (See also AL QAEDA, HAMAS, ORTHODOX JUDAISM, CATHOLICISM, KIRK CAMERON).”

15
Sep
11

RAND PAUL IS A JACKASS

Normally, I try to avoid simple name calling on this site. You don’t need me for that and it is, after all, the cheap and lazy way to get a laugh. Rather, when I state that Paul is a “jackass” I am aiming to prove that he does in fact meet the definition commonly applied to the term “jackass”.  What’s more, I think that picking on Paul is too easy in most cases. It’s fun, don’t get me wrong. But, unnecessary. But, what the hell. I like fun as much as the next guy in line at the courthouse paying his fine for Indecent Exposure.

For starters, here’s how WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY  defines the term:

“jack·ass

Noun/ˈjakˌas/

1. A stupid person.

2. A male ass or donkey.”

There are many arguments which could be made that Paul fits the first definition, although I find “A stupid person” to be far too broad and vague to accurately describe him that way. As for “A male ass or donkey” well, I’d have to have access to his DNA to know for sure. Based on his appearance I would actually argue that he is some kind of Seahorse or even an Ostrich.

However, the definition of “Jackass” as found in my very own GREELOPEDIA is a bit more specific and much more appropriate in this case:

“JACKASS – noun

1. One who speaks publicly on topics about which they have no experience or understanding.

2. One who happens to be born into already wealthy and prosperous circumstances but believes that their financial situation is somehow due to their own actions and expertise.

3. A member of a sociopolitical movement comprised of the wealthy yet which claims to be “grassroots” and representing the “average person”.

4. Someone of diminished or nonexistent mental faculties who nevertheless serves in a position of authority (See also REAGAN, RONALD and YOUR BOSS AT WORK).

             *While not necessarily denoting stupidity or retardation, the speech and behavior of the Jackass can accurately be described as “stupid” or “retarded” (See also SOUTHERNERS, BANKERS, SOCIAL CONSERVATIVES, THE TALIBAN, TEENAGERS).

5. A “jerk”, “asshole” or “dick”, i.e. one who derives pleasure from hurting or taking advantage of others (See also BUNDY, TED and CHENEY, DICK).”

So what brought this about? I posted video yesterday on the Magnus Greel Facebook page of Paul making a statement which… aw, hell, let’s just let him speak for himself. I don’t speak Moronics so my translation probably wouldn’t be accurate anyway.

In a nutshell, a man who has never known poverty in his life (because his dad is a rich Congressman who does lots of math) is suggesting that the lack of food in your fridge, heat in your home and money in your bank account is actually some kind of hallucination. Or something. I don’t know. The problem with the modern conservative movement is that the more you actually take the time to listen to these people the more damaged your brain becomes.

See also ATLAS SHRUGGED, FOX NEWS, THE 700 CLUB