16
Sep
11

THE WEEKEND WORD: PARANOIA

Yesterday I did a post in which I made use of the GREELOPEDIA, which is basically my attempt at updating words and definitions in our language to be more relevant. I got a few emails asking me if there are more definitions to be shared from this text. The answer is yes. Another question was whether or not I’m just making this shit up as I go along. To which the answer is also yes. Yet another question was if I dig the butt. My answer was, most emphatically, yes. A thousand times, yes.

And so, in the spirit of doing something different, I’m going to make Fridays a day of definitions. I’m calling this new segment THE WEEKEND WORD. This weekend our word is “Paranoia”, a term which is becoming more and more relevant as we watch the increasing amateur melodramatics taking place at the United Nations.

“President Mahmoud Abbas said on Friday he would demand full membership of the United Nations for a Palestinian state when he goes to the U.N. General Assembly next week, setting up a diplomatic clash with Israel and the United States.

“We are going to the United Nations to request our legitimate right, obtaining full membership for Palestine in this organization,” Abbas said in a televised speech.

The Palestinians say almost 20 years of on-off direct talks on statehood envisaged by interim peace accords have hit a dead end for reasons including Israel’s refusal to stop expanding settlements in the West Bank and East Jerusalem, lands it took in the 1967 Arab-Israeli war and which Palestinians want, along with the Gaza Strip, for an independent state.

The last round of the U.S.-backed talks between Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu collapsed nearly a year ago when the Jewish state declined to extend a partial moratorium on West Bank settlement building.” – REUTERS

I don’t take sides in this particular conflict as I think to do so would serve only to make me stupider. Dumber. Whatever. At any rate, the central issue here is not Arab land or international recognition of Palestine or Jewish stuff. It’s good old fashioned paranoia. And what exactly does that mean? According to the GREELOPEDIA:

“PARANOIA – noun

1. One who thinks that attention is being paid to them by everyone else in the belief that they matter somehow. Which, of course, they don’t.

2. The mistaken belief that anyone in the civilized world gives a rat’s ass about your ancient religious feuds and would actually take a side (See also ISRAEL, PALESTINE, SERBIA, PAKISTAN, NORTHERN IRELAND, TEXAS).

3. The false assumption that anyone cares enough about your country to actually make the effort to do it harm. This assumption often leads to belligerent and overtly aggressive behavior which, ironically, results in the sufferer persecuting someone else (See also THE BUSH DOCTRINE and THE ISRAELI MILITARY).

4. The donning of ancient religious headgear in an attempt to distinguish your barbaric nonsense from someone else’s barbaric nonsense in the erroneous belief that  a) anyone can tell the fucking difference and  b) gives a shit (See also HIJAB, TURBAN, YAMUKAH, FEZ, MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL HATS).

5. A mental disorder characterized by the belief that  a) god exists,  b) gives a shit about you and  c) is even paying attention to this tiny fart in the history of the universe (See also AL QAEDA, HAMAS, ORTHODOX JUDAISM, CATHOLICISM, KIRK CAMERON).”

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