I should start off by apologizing for being gone so long. But I’m not going to. I couldn’t help it. There was a wedding in the family and relatives were in town. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Heavily armed Chinese lesbians broke into my house and took me hostage, forcing me at gunpoint to pleasure them orally. And so on and so forth. There’s a virtual smorgasbord of reasons and half-assed excuses. And they’re all very witty and entertaining (due mostly to my delivery). But, I won’t waste anyone’s time with that.

To say that I’ve never paid much attention to the Amanda Knox saga would be like me saying that I’ve never paid much attention to my penis. I’ve secretly been into this chick since the first time I saw her goofy smile on CNN. And fate, it would seem, just moved our paths even closer.

“Amanda Knox is flying back to her native Seattle as the prosecutor who led the investigation into the murder of Meredith Kercher indicated he would seek to overturn her acquittal and that of her former Italian boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, in Italy’s top appeals court…

…Though Knox was acquitted of murdering her British flatmate, she was given a heavier sentence for slandering her former employer, a Congolese bar owner. In a statement to police, signed without the assistance of a lawyer, she said Diya “Patrick” Lumumba was the murderer. Lumumba spent a brief period in jail as a result.

“What was the motive for the slander if she was not involved in the murder?” asked Mignini.

A fourth person, Rudy Guede, was later found to have been at the scene of the crime. He was tried in separate proceedings and convicted of Kercher’s murder. He lost two subsequent appeals” – THE GUARDIAN

First of all, there are plenty of motives for slander that don’t involve murder. I slander people every day and I don’t kill them. Then again this is Italy we’re talking about here. They fucking kill people for wearing unfashionable shoes or badmouthing your mother’s pasta sauce.

What’s more, it seems to me that if you already have the guy who committed the murder then you probably don’t need to hang onto the ditsy American love interest. I’ll admit that I think she’s sexy. She would probably seduce and then murder me but at least there would be no ambiguity about where the relationship was going. One of my favorite fantasies involves Michele Bachmann and I on a cross-country crime spree and Amanda Knox is a hitchhiker we pick up along the way. The rest gets pretty graphic and maybe just a little disturbing unless you’re as into Nine Inch Nails as I am.

And while it’s very easy to put up pictures of her which make her look nuts (seriously, it’s pretty easy) it’s hard not to stare for hours at that shockingly naïve yet astoundingly shrewd and cunning face. I look at this woman and I often feel as if I’ve known her for years. Like maybe, just maybe, she likes some of the same things I do. Gets turned on by some of the same sex acts I do. Gets aroused by strangling the same breeds of house cats that I do.

Yeah, we’re going to be very happy together.



  1. October 7, 2011 at 1:39 AM

    Amanda Knox is having a hamburger named after her in Seattle.

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