Yesterday was a holiday. I think. I don’t know. There was no mail and I think it was socially acceptable to start drinking before noon. I grilled food. Tons of it. If anyone wants to come over I’ve still got chicken teriyaki skewers, turkey burgers and some swordfish. And beer. German beer. Good beer. Which I’m still drinking. So, you know, forgive me in advance if I get belligerent. Go on now.

It has always seemed odd to me that we give Columbus a holiday. If the only rationale is that he “discovered America” then, by rights, we should really have a Viking Day, a Roman Day, a Chinese Day, a Native American Day and an Aliens Day. But, that’s cool. We already gave the guy a stamp and a holiday so we’re kind of stuck with him.

“First lady Michelle Obama takes to the South Lawn of the White House on Tuesday to break a sweat with schoolkids as they join in an attempt to break the Guinness World Records for the most people doing jumping jacks over a 24-hour period.

To break the record, more than 20,000 people from around the world need to get on their feet and do jumping jacks for one minute. The White House event will be reviewed by an official from Guinness…

…The first lady, an advocate of exercise and good eating habits for America’s children, launched her Let’s Move! initiative last year.

“The physical and emotional health of an entire generation and the economic health and security of our nation is at stake,” Obama said at the time.” – CNN

Who the fuck can’t do jumping jacks for a minute? Like I know Jabba the Hutt or Stephen Hawking couldn’t. But, Jesus. Why the hell is this even a record? Do jumping jacks for 24 hours without stopping and then call me. Lazy sons of bitches. And do some goddamn pushups you pansies!

Being First Lady must really suck. It really has to be a pride-obliterating way to spend her time considering all the education and experience she has and no doubt with all the input she has into her husband’s administration.  Imagine having to jump around on the White House lawn with a bunch of brats while Barack is inside ordering drone strikes in Afghanistan and telling his cabinet gay jokes about Eric Cantor. What’s more, if I were President I’d have Michelle in the Oval Office with me at all times dressed up like Tina Turner in MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME. Maybe give her a harpoon gun.

Secondly, I don’t know to what degree children respond to the spouses of elected officials. If they really want to get kids to exercise they should have Lady Gaga doing the fucking jumping jacks. Or Justin Bieber. Or me. I’m big with the kids. Uncomfortably big.

I guess this is what they call a “feel good” piece. I don’t feel good. Well, I do but it has nothing to do with the First Lady or her goddamn jumping jacks. Not that I don’t dig Michelle Obama. She’s like a cross between Sarah Connor and Grace Jones which is like the hottest thing my penis could ever imagine. Under other circumstances I would happily sit naked in front of my computer watching her do jumping jacks on a 60 second loop over and over again. But, unfortunately, the kids have colds and need to be taken to the doctor. So, you know, a quick one in the men’s room at the clinic will have to suffice.



  1. 1 proright169
    March 28, 2012 at 9:19 PM

    Moochelle can kiss my jumpin jack ass.

  2. 2 proright169
    March 28, 2012 at 9:18 PM

    Michele can kiss my jumping jack ass.

  3. 3 sweetopiagirl
    November 27, 2011 at 12:46 AM

    Reblogged this on inspiredweightloss.

  4. October 11, 2011 at 12:19 PM

    I like it. Well, “like,” might be too strong of a word. How about “I’m entertained and a little frightened for your kids by it”? 😀

    Okay, on another matter, could you please bring your stun gun over to this forum and let fly some verbal bloodshed? Just let me know your handle, I wanna watch the fun:


    There’s a battle of trolls vs. the great verbal unwashed, and it ain’t pretty.

    BTW, if Ron Paul really *was* president during WWII, we’d all be singing fuckin’ Deutschland Uber Alles, doncha think?


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