Archive for November, 2011

28
Nov
11

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

I’ve been on the road the last few days for Thanksgiving and all. And in that time I have neglected this site for which I apologize. I’m going to be home for Christmas this year so I’ll probably be posting right up until another viewing of IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE causes me to take out a gun and start screaming at Jimmy Stewart. Yeah, you wanna’ die, George Bailey? Don’t jump off a bridge like a pansy. Take your whole head off with my .357. Come on and get your wings, asshole.

At any rate a few days is an eternity when it comes to world events. As I found out yesterday when I sat down and looked at the news for the first time in about 8 days. Which, incidentally, was the first time I’ve been able to rub one out in about as long. And let me tell you, friends, the best gifts in life really are the ones you give yourself.

 

WE KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN PAKISTAN

Like seriously, a lot of people. And they were all Pakistani soldiers which is kind of awkward being that it happened inside Pakistan.

“The night-time attack took place at the Salala checkpoint, about 1.5 miles (2.5 km) from the Afghan border, at around 02:00 on Saturday morning local time (21:00 GMT Friday).

The Pakistani army said helicopters and fighter aircraft hit two border posts, killing 24 people and leaving 13 injured. Local officials said the two posts were about 300m apart on a mountain top.

The incident looks set to deal a fresh blow to US-Pakistan relations, which had only just begun to recover following a unilateral US raid that killed Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan in May.” – BBC NEWS

I would have thought that after everything we’ve been through with these people we didn’t have many relations left with them. But I guess that’s pretty much academic now that we went and mowed down a bunch of their guys with jets and helicopters. Any relationship which can survive that is less of a relationship and more of a codependency nightmare. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Were it not for codependency I probably never would have been born.

 

NEWT GINGRICH IS A PLAYER ONCE MORE

After being McCain-ishly written off just a few months ago, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has found himself tied with Mitt Romney for the Republican Presidential Nomination. Despite decades of political baggage and a number of high profile gaffes he seems to be gaining momentum going into the actual primaries which have thus far seen a revolving door freak show of frontrunners.

But, truth be told, I never counted Newton out. I think he’s the best shot they’re going to get and as I’ve said before he’s the only Republican in the race who could go toe-to-toe with Obama. Even though I think he’s going to end up being the GOP’s John Kerry. And speaking of Kerry…

 

THE DEFICIT “SUPER COMMITTEE” WENT NOWHERE

I didn’t have very high hopes for the budget super duper committee put together by President Obama and tasked with finding solutions to the political impasse stalling the legislative process. I liked it in theory I guess. But, much like owning a Playstation or watching those Jamaican pegging videos, what seems awesome in theory can very much suck when actually attempted.

As expected the committee was forced to admit failure last week when its deadline for a deal passed. So what did we learn from this exactly? I don’t know. I stopped paying attention early on. This was always just absurd political theater. John Kerry, Pat Toomey and the others all might as well have emerged from one tiny little car honking bicycle horns and doing pratfalls.

 

WE HAVEN’T LEARNED A FUCKING THING

According to the early numbers this year’s “Black Friday”, marking the first official day of the Christmas shopping season, was the most successful on record.

“Overall, Thanksgiving weekend sales soared 16.4 percent to $52.4 billion, the National Retail Federation, an industry trade group, said on Sunday.

The number of transactions at U.S. merchants jumped 17 percent on Black Friday, after 5 percent rises in the prior two years, according to data from MasterCard Inc’s (MA.N) network.

Discounts were the name of the game, and analysts cautioned that there could be a prolonged lull in sales until closer to Christmas.” – REUTERS

Yeah, there’s going to be a prolonged lull all right because nobody has any goddamn money or jobs or… numbers to begin with. And they’re buying shit from Walmart and Target which means a lot of people are getting a lot of crap for Christmas this year. And probably lead poisoning and reproductive problems later in life too. But hey, there’s money being made. I guess in the end that’s all that matters. I think Jesus said that.

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14
Nov
11

WELL NOW, THIS IS A REAL PICKLE

I hope everyone had a nice Veteran’s Day weekend. Especially those of you who are vets. I personally think that veterans in this country get screwed over quite royally so I’m glad that you at least get a holiday. I know, it’s not a new leg or an end to the nightmares but it’s a start I guess.

And now it’s Monday morning again and most of us are back at work. Are you unhappy about that? You most likely are. And you’re not alone.

“The consulting firm RogenSi has been surveying workers all over the world for the past three years about their attitudes toward work. Their findings, based on 1,200 workers worldwide, are pretty bleak.

Take worker optimism. Although it’s up a bit from last year, the report finds that just 12 percent of employees worldwide feel optimistic. That could be because they don’t feel very inspired by their bosses. Only 14 percent said their leaders were inspirational. Very few said they felt like the bosses were creating a work environment they found motivational.

In general, people’s feelings about work seem to start with the prefix “un.” – MSNBC

In a related study, it was found that most people in prison don’t want to be there and most people with terminal illnesses wish they were healthy. Thanks, RogenSi, for this groundbreaking research. Only the conservative business mind would be surprised by this study. What’s more, it probably cannot fathom why such a thing is even relevant.

Feelings? Your average boss or middle-manager has no idea what those are. Their brains just don’t work that way. Unlike humans they go through the day looking at the world through the cold robotic lens of math and economics. Human traits like reason, instinct, compassion and empathy simply do not exist in the business DNA.

Of course you don’t have to wear a tie and run an office to be a complete and utter tool. Take, for example, this particular story (also on MSNBC) regarding Alabama’s new immigration laws and the farmers who relied on illegal labor to pick their crops. In particular, a cucumber farmer named Jerry Danford who says his business is now falling apart because of the new law.

“Danford talks about how many workers he needs to harvest all the cucumbers. Danford supplies a lot of the major pickle brand names you’d recognize. All those acres represent $20 million in retail pickle sales…

“People are not informed about what it takes to do these special crops. Now a lot of people aren’t interested. The lawmakers that passed this law, they didn’t come out here and interview people. If they had done their homework, they would have realized,” he says.

Danford is referring to the Republican lawmakers in Alabama who’ve passed the most severe immigration law in the United States. He’s angry at those Republicans for what he sees as a political move that has deeply affected his life on the farm.

Since the bill was signed into law this summer, Danford has watched many of the immigrant workers he relied on leave. He worries that none of them will return for the spring harvest, when a provision requiring that employers check the immigration status of workers will be in effect…

And here’s what makes his story particularly interesting: He voted for those lawmakers.

Danford is a lifelong Republican. He admits he did once vote for a Democrat for governor. But in every other race, at every level, he’s always been for the GOP. When I ask if he’s ever voted a Democrat into the White House he scoffs, making a face that says “you have to be kidding.”

Well, there’s your first problem, Jerry: You’re a fucking idiot. Let me guess, you get all fired up come election time for candidates looking to bomb Arabs or round up the gays. Maybe give the coloreds their own section of the bus like in the good ol’ days. But, low and behold, these same people are turning right around and screwing you and your business. Hopefully when you go bankrupt and lose your family farm and have to take a job at fucking Burger King to keep from going homeless you can keep your head high knowing that you prevented a man from sharing his pickle with another man.

Conservative social policies are usually in direct contradiction with conservative business policies. And guys like Jerry are the reason most of us would rather have our own fingers fed to us at gunpoint than go to fucking work every day. In Jerry’s world there is nothing wrong with hiring workers who have no legal status, or legal rights, and working them to death for pennies. It’s only a problem when he has to treat people like human beings and pay them accordingly. Yeah. Very inspiring, Jerry.

Of course the day will come when Jerry asks the government for a handout to keep his business from going under. It’s always these people who want a small, weak government who end up begging that very government for help at the expense of the rest of us. And when that day comes, well, I have a nice hairy cucumber of my own he can eat.

09
Nov
11

WELL, THAT’S ALL CLEARED UP NOW

I’ve been thinking about aliens in some capacity my entire life. When you were a teenager and all you had was sex on your mind I was thinking about aliens. When you were in your 20’s and all you had was sex and partying on your mind I was thinking about aliens. When you were in your 30’s and you still thought about sex but now you had a mortgage and kids and a job to think about, I was actually starting to think about sex. Like, constantly. What can I say? I’m a late bloomer.

The United States government doesn’t think about aliens. At least that’s the story it’s sticking to. As for sex, well, I’m sure it has a healthy appetite for that too.

“The US government has formally denied that it has any knowledge of contact with extraterrestrial life.

The announcement came as a response to submissions to the We The People website, which promises to address any petition that gains 5,000 signatories.

Two petitions called for disclosure of government information on ETs and an acknowledgement of any contact.

The White House responded that there was “no evidence that any life exists outside our planet”…

…”The US government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race,” wrote space policy expert Phil Larson of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy.

“In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.” – BBC NEWS

Forgive me for being a downer (or don’t, I’m a downer and I don’t care) but what the hell is the point of all this? The government is not going to admit to something it has supposedly kept secret for decades. That’s why they’re called secrets. It probably doesn’t matter how many idiots signed a goddamn petition. In fact, I would be kind of disappointed in my government if it just gave up everything because some local chapter of the FRIENDS OF STAR TREK put their names on a website.

Then again, I don’t put a lot of stock in the government’s ability to recognize evidence. This is the same group of people who said there was no evidence of any radiation in Japan after the tsunami there. They said there was no evidence India or Pakistan were developing nuclear weapons. They said there was no evidence the Berlin Wall was about to come down. They said there was no credible evidence of an impending financial crisis or a major terrorist attack. They even said there was no evidence that I’m the only man capable of bringing Hillary Clinton to orgasm.

Of course our government is primarily made up of lawyers and economists with the occasional wealthy businessman thrown in. What the fuck do these people know about talking to aliens? The visitors probably showed up, got one earful of what some tool from Harvard Law or Yale Business School had to say and took off. Hell, if I crossed the vastness of space to come to this solar system I’d rather visit Saturn or impregnate some high school girls in Alabama. Fuck talking to Tim Geithner or Eric Holder all day.

07
Nov
11

OLD PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO STARVE US TO DEATH

I hate Alan Greenspan. It’s not something I can really articulate except to say he’s among a small number of people I just detest with every fiber of my being for no particular reason. Call it a social allergy I guess. To that extent he’s in a league with Richard Branson, Wilfred Brimley, Oprah Winfrey and Sandra Bullock.

Every time I see Greenspan’s zombified remains hauled out in front of the TV cameras a chill goes up my spine. Like I’ve seen him before and not just in the media. Like he was hovering naked over me with wrinkled, hairy wings and razor sharp fangs. He started speaking in this ancient language I didn’t understand. Then I woke up screaming in the hypnotherapist’s office.

Greenspan is one of the ruling nobility of the aged along with Larry King and Jerry Brown. They are the elders of, well, the elderly. At any rate, while this post isn’t so much about Greenspan himself it is about my belief that old people are vampires slowly sucking the life out of us. You know, just in case you didn’t get my subtle vampire references.

“Older Americans are now 47 times richer than the youngest generation, marking the largest wealth gap ever recorded between the two age groups.

In 2009, households headed by adults 65 years and older held a median net worth of $170,494, while households headed by adults 35 years and younger held a net worth of $3,662, according to a report by the Pew Research Center.

While it’s typical for older generations to hold more wealth than younger ones who’ve had less time to save, the gap between the two age groups has widened rapidly.

A generation ago, the older age group was richer than the younger by a 10-to-1 ratio. Now, that gap stands at 47-to-1.” – CNN MONEY

I hate to be a jerk about this, but what are all these old people going to do with all this goddamn money? They’re old. Money, no matter how much of it you have, will not stop your inevitable dirt nap. It’s like when some 90-year-old asshole wins the lottery. And if you’re that old then you’re an asshole for playing the lottery. Just saying.

Of course I hope this means that I’ll have a lot of money when I’m old. And I’m sure when I’m up there in age I’ll bitch about young people too. I’m also sure that I’ll shoplift constantly and show my junk to people on the bus. What the fuck you gonna’ do about it? I’ll be old.

03
Nov
11

OLD WHITE MEN ARE DANGEROUS

So, yeah, I’ve been out of it the past few days. Weeks. Something like that. But if there’s one thing I have in common with Herpes it’s that even when I go away I’m still there lurking under the surface. And while I’ve had things in the real world commanding my attention Greel has never been far from my mind.

I’ve been following this story for a day or two now. Not as avidly as I’ve been following this North Korean porno I downloaded. But, hey, if world news wants my full attention then world news needs to put them on the glass.

“In the violent underground novel “Absolved,” right-wing militia members upset about gun control make war against the U.S. government. This week, federal prosecutors accused four elderly Georgia men of plotting to use the book as a script for a real-life wave of terror and assassination involving explosives and the highly lethal poison ricin.

The four suspected militia members allegedly boasted of a “bucket list” of government officials who needed to be “taken out”; talked about scattering ricin from a plane or a car speeding down a highway past major U.S. cities; and scouted IRS and ATF offices, with one man saying, “We’d have to blow the whole building like Timothy McVeigh.”

Federal investigators said they had them under surveillance for at least seven months, infiltrating their meetings at a Waffle House, homes and other places, before finally arresting them Tuesday, just days after discovering evidence they were trying to extract ricin from castor beans…

…The four gray-haired men — Frederick Thomas, 73; Dan Roberts, 67; Ray Adams, 65; and Samuel Crump, 68 — appeared in federal court Wednesday without entering a plea and were jailed for a bail hearing next week. They apparently had trouble hearing the judge, some of them cupping their ears.” – THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

I was always afraid the day would come when those of advanced age would realize that their proximity to death made them excellent suicide warriors. Which I’m assuming was the plan here. A bunch of geriatric terrorists speeding down the freeway trying to throw lethal chemicals out of the window can only end badly.

Interesting, though, was what the writer of the book ABSOLVED had to say in reaction to the plot and the news that his book had inspired the members of Al-Grayda.

“In the book’s introduction, Vanderboegh calls it a “cautionary tale for the out-of-control gun cops of the ATF.”

“For that warning to be credible, I must also present what amounts to a combination field manual, technical manual and call to arms for my beloved gunnies of the armed citizenry,” he writes. “They need to know how powerful they could truly be if they were pushed into a corner.”

In an interview, Vanderboegh said he didn’t know the four men and bears no responsibility for the alleged plot.

“I’m glad that the FBI has apparently short-circuited some weak-minded individuals from misinterpreting my novel,” he said.”

You know I can actually feel for the guy. He’s just publishing his paranoid fantasies. Along with a combination “field manual, technical manual and call to arms for my beloved gunnies of the armed citizenry”. And that beautiful, innocent vision has to be marred by the actions of a few people who read it and did it what it told them to do.

And no, those are not the actual terrorists in the picture. That’s Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster in the 1986 film TOUGH GUYS (who are about to shoot each other in the face apparently). It’s about two old-timey gangsters who get out of prison after like 30 years and try to rob a train with Dana Carvey. Because the 80’s were just like that.