I hate Alan Greenspan. It’s not something I can really articulate except to say he’s among a small number of people I just detest with every fiber of my being for no particular reason. Call it a social allergy I guess. To that extent he’s in a league with Richard Branson, Wilfred Brimley, Oprah Winfrey and Sandra Bullock.

Every time I see Greenspan’s zombified remains hauled out in front of the TV cameras a chill goes up my spine. Like I’ve seen him before and not just in the media. Like he was hovering naked over me with wrinkled, hairy wings and razor sharp fangs. He started speaking in this ancient language I didn’t understand. Then I woke up screaming in the hypnotherapist’s office.

Greenspan is one of the ruling nobility of the aged along with Larry King and Jerry Brown. They are the elders of, well, the elderly. At any rate, while this post isn’t so much about Greenspan himself it is about my belief that old people are vampires slowly sucking the life out of us. You know, just in case you didn’t get my subtle vampire references.

“Older Americans are now 47 times richer than the youngest generation, marking the largest wealth gap ever recorded between the two age groups.

In 2009, households headed by adults 65 years and older held a median net worth of $170,494, while households headed by adults 35 years and younger held a net worth of $3,662, according to a report by the Pew Research Center.

While it’s typical for older generations to hold more wealth than younger ones who’ve had less time to save, the gap between the two age groups has widened rapidly.

A generation ago, the older age group was richer than the younger by a 10-to-1 ratio. Now, that gap stands at 47-to-1.” – CNN MONEY

I hate to be a jerk about this, but what are all these old people going to do with all this goddamn money? They’re old. Money, no matter how much of it you have, will not stop your inevitable dirt nap. It’s like when some 90-year-old asshole wins the lottery. And if you’re that old then you’re an asshole for playing the lottery. Just saying.

Of course I hope this means that I’ll have a lot of money when I’m old. And I’m sure when I’m up there in age I’ll bitch about young people too. I’m also sure that I’ll shoplift constantly and show my junk to people on the bus. What the fuck you gonna’ do about it? I’ll be old.



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