Archive for December, 2011

29
Dec
11

SO THIS GAY GUY WALKS INTO A CHURCH…

I wasn’t raised in a particularly religious environment. Although, my extended family sort of orbits Catholicism in a very detached and, some might say, non-Catholic way. I myself am about as Catholic as Zeus. But, anyone who reads this site won’t find that to be too surprising.

Recently, however, the Catholic Church in my home state of Illinois has been having some problems with the non-Catholic population. As well as the Catholic but non-heterosexual population. And the government. And the law. And every sense of common decency I can think of.

“Catholic Charities in Illinois has served for more than 40 years as a major link in the state’s social service network for poor and neglected children. But now most of the Catholic Charities affiliates in Illinois are closing down rather than comply with a new requirement that says they can no longer receive state money if they turn away same-sex couples as potential foster care and adoptive parents.

For the nation’s Roman Catholic bishops, the outcome is a prime example of what they see as an escalating campaign by the government to trample on their religious freedom while expanding the rights of gay people. The idea that religious Americans are now the victims of government-backed persecution is now a frequent theme not just for Catholic bishops, but also for Republican presidential candidates and conservative evangelicals.

“In the name of tolerance, we’re not being tolerated,” said Bishop Thomas J. Paprocki of the Diocese of Springfield, Ill., a civil and canon lawyer who helped drive the church’s losing battle to retain its state contracts for foster care and adoption services.“ – MSNBC

We can forget for a moment how gay the Catholic Church is. And, by the way, it’s pretty fucking gay. Dudes spending their lives with other dudes and basically working really hard to keep women away is pretty much the definition of gay. As for evangelicals, well, let’s not go into those woods. Lots of butless chaps in those woods.

But, you know, gay is cool. Dudes too. Gay dudes as well. Of course there are nuns, but they’re supposed to be married to Christ. I’m not sure if that qualifies as polygamy or necrophilia but based on what I’ve seen none of the women who go on to become nuns had a hard choice to make. Not like they had to give up promising acting or modeling careers or, you know, dating and social acceptance.

I suppose we can also forget that taking care of little kids is something the Catholic Church isn’t all that good at either. And, maybe, them getting out of the little kid business is a good thing for everyone. Just ask the Irish or any male prostitute.

As for religious persecution, well, I understand completely. I’ve been fighting the government for years on this whole “murder is illegal” thing. My own religion, Monogreelism, quite clearly states that to win favor with the divine I have to kill someone every day before sundown with one of the five blessed power tools. My religion also expressly forbids sobriety after 10 AM. But, like the Catholics, I’m being oppressed by the “police” for my beliefs every time I get pulled over and taken to jail for “driving drunk”. Fucking heathens.

22
Dec
11

SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO IS READY FOR YOU TO WORSHIP HIM AS A HERO NOW

I’m gone for a few days and the whole world goes nuts. Sort of. The world’s last Bond Villain, Kim Jong-Il, is dead. Ron Paul is now the Republican frontrunner. The Republican Party, somehow, just became the party of higher taxes. And I just found out that paying myself to have sex with myself is still considered prostitution and grounds for arrest. They say ignorance is no excuse before the law. I say, yeah actually, it is. You have any idea how many goddamn laws are passed every year? I would have to quit my job and watch C-Span full time just to keep up.

And then we have this specimen, Arizona Sheriff and 1930’s lynching enthusiast Joe Arpaio. Ever since Arizona’s controversial immigration law went into effect he’s basically decided that being a cop isn’t as much fun as being the guy who establishes the 4th Reich in every aging retirement community in his county.

“A judge will hear arguments Thursday in a lawsuit that alleges racial profiling in immigration patrols conducted under a man who called himself “America’s Toughest Sheriff,” a week after U.S. authorities accused his office of a wide range of civil rights violations.

The lawsuit against Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s office was filed by a handful of Latinos who say officers based some traffic stops on their race, had no reason to pull them over and made the stops so they could inquire about their immigration status.

It’s one of a mounting number of legal challenges against the office.

The U.S. Department of Justice last week said Arpaio’s office has a pattern of racially profiling Latinos, basing immigration enforcement on racially charged citizen complaints and punishing Hispanic jail inmates for speaking Spanish.” – MSNBC

Bigoted old white guys are actually kind of funny and cute when they’re not running a police force. I much more prefer them when they’re drunk at the annual VFW Fish Fry or screaming obscenities from their nursing home bathroom. And for a man all on the whole “white America” bandwagon he has a last name that makes him sound like a fucking Kamikaze pilot. Of course, like sex after marriage, it just gets worse:

“One lawsuit filed this week says employees violated a female inmate’s rights when they kept her shackled before and after her 2009 Caesarean section and ignored her pleas for help in Spanish.

Also this week, a man found unresponsive in a jail cell after fighting with deputies at a Phoenix jail over the weekend died after being taken off life support. Activists say the death raises more questions about practices under Arpaio.

On Thursday, U.S. District Judge Murray Snow will consider possible sanctions against the sheriff’s office in the lawsuit alleging racial profiling over its acknowledged destruction of some records of the patrols, along with a request by Arpaio’s lawyers to dismiss the case.”

This is all pretty bad although, admittedly, “fighting with deputies” is a stupid idea unless you’re Batman or something. And as much as I was of the opinion that my own wife needed shackles during her pregnancy my lawyer kept telling me it was a bad idea. From a legal perspective. Unless I was a cop in Arizona in which case I guess it goes with the job just like a badge, a gun and a sense of moral superiority to the people I police.

And not that it relates to this story but I often refer to myself as “America’s Toughest Masturbator”. I know, I’m very hard on my penis. But, in the end, I think we both understand that I’m tough because I care.

16
Dec
11

LET’S CUT THE CRAP

So, earlier this week we saw the official end of the war in Iraq. There have been speeches, flag ceremonies and a fair amount of media coverage. But, what has struck me the most about all of it has been the positive spin everyone keeps putting on this debacle now that it’s over. President Obama himself gave a speech yesterday in which he declared the war a success and praised the efforts of America’s armed forces in the almost decade long war. Or occupation. Or whatever. And yeah, I know he kind of has to do that. Nevertheless, as I have done here, here and here and a few other times I am going to print what I wish Obama had said. And, I’m sure, what he wanted to say.

 

“My fellow Americans, men and women of the armed forces and our allies abroad,

Take a deep breath and let it out. Maybe crack open a cold one. Light up that spliff you’ve been saving. It’s over. Thank Jesus it’s over. I’m talking about American involvement in Iraq. You know, that giant shit hole over in the ass crack of the world? Yeah. That place.

This war was utterly ridiculous. It was perhaps the biggest, stupidest and most pointless waste of life and money that America has ever engaged in. We look like imbeciles. And no amount of fanfare or optimism is going to restore our credibility on the world stage. And, yes, it matters what other countries think of us because it’ll be a cold day in hell before even our closest allies are willing to go to war with us again.

Did I say “war”? Sorry. That would imply we had any idea who the fuck we were fighting these last nine years or why. We just kind of settled on the idea of fighting Iraqis which is nuts because it is, you know, Iraq. After we didn’t find any WMD’s or 9/11 conspirators or any of the other farcical things we were supposedly looking for. Every time we tried to save face by changing the objective we just looked dumber and dumber.

Oil? Where is all this much ballyhooed oil? It still costs most of us almost five goddamn dollars a gallon to gas up our cars. Still not seeing any oil. Show me the oil.

Then we got on this idea about a “free” Iraq. Like we went to war to liberate these people. Yeah. And I went to law school to be a circus clown. Well, yes, we did get rid of Saddam. A man who was about as dangerous as Kermit the Frog. And we can now proudly point to the Islamic Republic of Iraq for all our efforts. Laughable, man.

It was once called “the central front in the war on terror”. Can one be a terrorist in their own country? I don’t know. Frankly, I’m so tired of even thinking about this that I’ll just go ahead and let the conservatives have that one. It’s on me. Merry goddamn Christmas.

But we’re here today not to relive the past. We’re here to welcome our troops home, those of you who still have arms and legs left or haven’t nibbled on the barrel of your service weapon yet. I think what we put you through is reprehensible. I think how we treat you when you get home is even worse. Your job is harder than anyone not wearing a uniform will ever know. Being shot at tends to make politics look pretty fucking unimportant, doesn’t it?

Liberals are on my case because on day one of my administration I didn’t shut the whole thing down and bring everyone home. Yeah, invading Iraq was dumb but if we let the place fall apart then we’re basically pissing on the memories of the 4,500+ Americans who died there. Well, they can fuck off. I didn’t like this war anymore than they did but while they’re busy sipping coffee at Starbuck’s I’m seeing shit in my daily intelligence briefings that would make their goddamned heads spin.

And there’s the wingnuts. The righties. The fundies. The Fox News chattel. The armchair warriors who just love sending other people, and their children, into combat but have never gotten their fat asses off the sofa and torn their eyes away from NASCAR long enough to do it themselves. Yeah, they can pretty much fuck off too.

And then we have “Middle America”. You know the people who were all gung-ho for this war in 2003 and who have largely forgotten about it and gone on with their lives? Yeah. If I weren’t running for re-election I would tell them to fuck off as well. Biggest bunch of spoiled ingrates I’ve ever seen.

So, in closing, I can only impart this to our armed forces: Next time Fox News or Paul Wolfowitz or Tommy Franks or whoever tries to talk you into doing something this incredibly stupid, as your Commander in Chief I give you permission to respond by saying “I’m here to defend my country. Not your reality.”

Thank you and welcome home.”

14
Dec
11

CHRISTINE O’DONNELL IS STILL TRYING TO ACT LIKE A BIG PERSON

There’s a scene in the film OBSERVE AND REPORT in which Ray Liotta’s character gleefully informs his nemesis, played by Seth Rogan, that his dream of being a cop will never materialize. During the scene another cop, hiding in the closet to eavesdrop, walks out and says “You know I thought this was going to be funny. But, it’s actually just kind of sad”.

That’s how I feel about the Republican Primary. Like the second season of THE WALKING DEAD or my sex life I just expected so much more. Something bigger. Something better. Something with a lot more depth and maybe even some spankings. Alas, no. Like my boss at work it’s so far beneath me that I actually feel guilty for paying attention.

“Christine O’Donnell, a tea party favorite who ran an unsuccessful U.S. Senate bid in 2010, announced her support Tuesday night for Mitt Romney, a GOP presidential candidate lacking fanfare among the conservative grassroots movement.

“It is my hope that my endorsement of Gov. Mitt Romney will cause others to give him a second look,” she said in a statement.

The social conservative, better known for denying she was a witch in a campaign ad after admitting she once “dabbled into witchcraft” as a teenager, said she was throwing her weight behind Romney because she finds him trustworthy and as someone with “conviction to do the right thing regardless of opposition.” – CNN

In the Greeliverse this is what I call a real “softball”. Christine O’Donnell is a lot like Salacious Crumb, the cackling bat-like sidekick of Jabba the Hutt. Whenever she opens her mouth she’s incomprehensible but it’s still funny and somehow endearing. And, of course, it speaks volumes about the conservative wing when she’s considered a “favorite”. Mostly that they equate ignorance and gullibility with some kind of ideological purity.

Still, it must be a slow goddamn news day when the mainstream media has nothing better to do than pay any attention whatsoever to what this farcical dingbat has to say about anything. I mean this is the same woman who felt she had to convince her supporters that she wasn’t a witch. She also once mounted a campaign to eradicate male masturbation which would kind of make her my nemesis. And I’m normally all over chicks who say “masturbation”. Not O’Donnell though. I’d rather jack off to pictures of Marlon Brando.

12
Dec
11

BASHAR ASSAD IS READY FOR YOU TO LIKE HIM NOW

When I was in 4th grade we had to do a class essay about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I said I wanted to be a dictator. When my teacher asked why (after she took me down to the school psychologist’s office, so to be accurate they both asked me why) I replied that I didn’t want to have to ask permission for anything and I wanted to be able to silence all opposition to my ideas through terror and brutality as well as become a regional superpower with a disproportionate military capability for a country of my size.

Hey, if they didn’t want to hear the answer then they shouldn’t have asked the question. And, if I say so myself, I thought my excellent grammar and exceptional grasp of history and global politics at that age would have been welcomed in an educational environment. Instead I got a frowny-face sticker and a note to my parents suggesting they take me to a therapist.

When Syrian President Bashar Assad was a child I wonder if he wanted to be the same thing. Probably, considering that his father was a dictator too.

“Monday also saw the second day of the opposition’s “Strike for Dignity,” widely supported in protest strongholds around the country and which activists say security forces have tried to break by force and threats…

…Four people were reported killed on Monday by security forces in Homs province, where the government says it is fighting “armed terrorist gangs” controlled from abroad. The state news agency SANA said the army killed one rebel, wounded others and arrested a leader.

One person was killed and seven wounded in Idlib when they were fired on by security forces. Tanks fired on Sunni districts in Homs, where the strike held and voting was largely boycotted, residents said. A 14-year-old boy was killed by shrapnel.” – REUTERS

Hey, buttfuck, it was different when all your neighbors were dictatorial assholes like yourself. “Yes, I too had to machine gun entire neighborhoods and drive tanks over people. Do not worry, Bashar, you are amongst friends!” Maybe you haven’t noticed but everyone else like you in your neighborhood is either being shot to death or voluntarily leaving power to avoid said death shooting.

What baffles me is what exactly Assad hopes to gain by going this far to maintain power. I could murder a bunch of people and then beat the rap in court but I’m still going to live like a goddamn pariah. And more than ever people are going to have it in for me. Which means I’m probably going to have to kill more people just to defend myself. And when most of your time and resources are spent keeping an entire population from killing you, well, you’re really not much of a leader at that point. You’re pretty much just an asshole. And, just as an aside, your security forces are pretty inept if they need tanks to kill a fucking teenager. Just make fun of his acne and social isolation until he takes his own life. You know, like we do in America.

Assad himself is becoming his own worst enemy. A point which could not have been more clearly made when he sat down to babble and point at Barbara Walters last week.

“In his first interview with the US media since the uprising began in March, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad was clearly intent on persuading Washington that his regime’s reaction to the challenge was normal, and that it would survive all the pressures currently being mounted against it…

…The president admitted that “mistakes” had been made on the ground, but said this was a case of errors committed by individuals, not the result of state policies or orders from above.” – BBC NEWS

So, basically, you’re either a) a really bad dictator because nobody is following your orders or b) a coward who doesn’t have the eggs to admit he’ll do anything to stay in power. Either way you should go fuck yourself. Just sayin’.

As I blogged before on this topic, killing thousands of people doesn’t happen by mistake. I mean it does when a ship hits an iceberg or Chernobyl or something. But, soldiers don’t mistakenly mow people down with automatic weapons and drive tanks through their houses. Unless they’re all a bunch of retards. Which, in this case, is a distinct possibility.

08
Dec
11

LET’S THAI ONE ON

Those of you following me on Facebook and Twitter today will have already noticed my apparent fixation with the monarchy in Thailand. Most days I find a story that peaks my interest or gets my feathers ruffled. This morning, however, I saw a story that offended me on just about every conceivable level.

“An American who translated a banned biography of Thailand’s king and posted the content online while living in Colorado was sentenced to two and a half years in a Thai prison Thursday for defaming the country’s royal family.

The verdict is the latest so-called lese majeste punishment handed down in the Southeast Asian kingdom, which has come under increasing pressure at home and abroad to reform harsh legislation that critics say is an affront to freedom of expression…

… The sentence was relatively light compared to other recent cases. In November, 61-year-old Amphon Tangnoppakul was sentenced to 20 years in jail for sending four text messages deemed offensive to the queen…

… Thailand’s lese majeste laws are the harshest in the world. They mandate that people found guilty of defaming the monarchy — including the king, the queen and the heir to the throne — face three to 15 years behind bars. The nation’s 2007 Computer Crimes Act also contains provisions that have enabled prosecutors to increase lese majeste sentences.” –  THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Of course it’s actually awesome that I got so fired up because now I can spend all day breaking Thai law and telling that inbred bunch of parasitic aristocrats exactly what I think. Which is a lot. I’m going to continue throughout the day and I’ll be updating this post to include all the new tweets and Facebook updates I post. Also, everyone reading this should feel free to post their own views about the Thai Monarchy in the comment section.

Finally, I am in the process of turning these comments (and a lot of other stuff) into a letter I will send to the Thai Embassy in Washington. So any ideas or contributions for the content of that letter are also welcome.

So, Mr. Gordon, I know that you probably don’t have access to internet where you are right now. And, even if you did, I’m guessing you’ve probably never heard of me. Nonetheless I am devoting this entire day of Magnus Greel to you and your cause and to the cause of saying just about every offensive, defamatory and downright obscene thing I can about the Thai Monarchy. BREAKIN’ THE LAW! BREAKIN’ THE LAW!

Rama IX, the King of Thailand, has two penises. Neither of them are real.

Queen Sirikit of Thailand has sex with animals, including the king.

The Thai Royal Family isn’t really a “family” because they can all reproduce asexually.

Did you know that the Thai words for “Monarchy” and “Ladyboy Addicts” are interchangeable?

Queen Sirikit of Thailand once won a contest for stuffing the most golf balls in her mouth. Then she swallowed them all.

Thai King Rama IX was an extra in the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake. He needed no makeup.

Contrary to rumor, Thai King Rama IX is not a vegetarian. But, he is a vegetable.

Thai King Rama IX once declared his wife’s uterus to be a disaster zone.

Thai King Rama IX: the man staring at your child’s ass.

Thai Queen Sirikit is a mutant from the Marvel Universe. She can eat so much that she explodes and kills anyone within 100 feet.

The King and Queen of Thailand are actually unused Muppets from the 70’s.

King Rama IX and Queen Sirikit of Thailand were the original inspiration for the film THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE.

King Rama IX of Thailand once saw the doctor for a lump in his groin. It turned out to be a 12-year-old boy.

Queen Sirikit of Thailand has always believed the phrase “eat a dick” to be a dinner invitation.

Apparently, the heir to the Thai Monarchy is actually a monkey in a cheap Halloween costume.

Members of the Thai Royal Family often moonlight as extras in Japanese scat films.

King Rama IX of Thailand has a name tattooed on his ass, and it ain’t the Queen’s.

07
Dec
11

MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH

I’m a believer in the idea that a nation’s people and its government need to be treated differently. I’m also a believer that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should stay away from cameras because he looks like a complete and utter retard. But, I digress… or do I? Iran is in the news twice this week, most notably for things which technically happened last week. Specifically, the apparent downing of a top secret American aerial drone and the storming of the British Embassy in Tehran by a mob of protesters.

“Amid the mayhem when the British embassy in Tehran was stormed last Tuesday, a mob destroyed antique oil portraits of Queen Victoria and Edward VII, made off with a poster from the film, Pulp Fiction, but narrowly missed dog-napping the ambassador’s terrier, Pumpkin.

However, the Basij commanders and Revolutionary Guard (IRGC) officers said by western diplomats to be in the crowd, must have thought they had hit the jackpot when the raiders came across embassy documents in the ambassador’s office marked “most secret” in red ink, giving details of a gigantic invasion plan.

The intelligence coup is diminished however by the fact that the plan in question was an advance peek at Operation Overlord, the D-Day landings, which Winston Churchill and Franklin D Roosevelt provided to Stalin at the 1943 Tehran conference, where the western powers agreed to accept the Soviet domination of eastern Europe.“ – THE GUARDIAN

The really sad thing about Iran is that it could actually be a really cool country. Talk to anyone from Iran and they’ll likely tell you that Iran, in many ways, is a modern country with a large segment of the population that shares many Western ideals. It’s the Iranian government and, more importantly, the Mullahs who run it who are driving that country right into the shitter. Of course I’m sure the fucking Queen isn’t all that happy to know she was sharing wall space in the British embassy with Quentin Tarantino.

Iran’s pursuit of nuclear technology would be a lot harder to stop if their jackass leaders weren’t on TV every day denying the Holocaust and openly declaring their intent to attack other countries. And blowing shit up in Iraq. And funding groups like Hezbollah. And doing whatever the hell it is Ahmadinejad is doing in that picture.

And considering that their intelligence services thought they had scored big time when they found plans of a British invasion of fucking France, it’s no wonder that American and Israeli intelligence agencies are kicking their asses. Or at least they were

“A U.S. stealth drone that crashed in Iran last week was part of a CIA reconnaissance mission which involved both the intelligence community and military personnel stationed in Afghanistan, two U.S. officials confirmed to CNN Tuesday…

…U.S. officials are discounting the Iranian claim that they shot the drone down. The United States continues to say the crew of the UAV lost flight control and the drone then entered Iranian airspace.

A U.S. official with knowledge of the incident said Sunday the drone’s mission was to fly over Afghanistan. American officials over the years have been adamant that U.S. assets do not fly over Iranian air space.” – CNN

Wow. Iran might learn how to build a goddamn radio controlled airplane. I’m sure they were clueless about our magical flight technology until now. And even though I’m sure there’s a sizeable amount to learn from the thing I doubt that these fucking balloon heads are ever going to find it.

Or perhaps somehow, just somehow, 70-year-old military plans and a really expensive Gobot might give the Iranians some kind of advantage in a brewing conflict with us. And why not? I’m an optimist. Hell, maybe they should storm the French embassy and get a sneak peek at Napoleon’s planned invasion of Prussia. My god, they’ll be unstoppable.