I have to start off by apologizing to a friend of mine for totally lifting this title. This was the name of a script he wrote once years and years ago. For some reason when I saw that Herman Cain had “suspended” his Presidential campaign I just thought of it and then laughed. Then I had a drink and some leftover pizza (cold, of course), took a nap and then a long hot shower. Then I laughed some more. At any rate, I hope my friend doesn’t sue me or anything. Then again he is Asian so something tells me there’s a surprise attack in my future.

So, it’s over. Herman Cain’s candidacy is over. Yeah, I know, he’s “suspending” his campaign, whatever the hell that means. I’ve had my driver’s license “suspended” before but I still drove and bought booze anyway. So I’m not sure what the point was. Or, for that matter, the point of what I’m saying now. Fuck.

“Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain told supporters Saturday that he is suspending his presidential campaign, which has become hobbled in recent weeks by allegations of sexual harassment and an Atlanta woman’s claim that they carried on a 13-year affair.

While he will still be able to raise and spend campaign funds because he did not officially drop out, Cain’s White House bid is effectively over.” – CNN

As Cain himself famously said, everyone should blame only themselves for their failures. Somehow I doubt he’s going to blame himself for the destruction of the carnival freak show that was his campaign. For President. Of America. I hope one day, though, he finds himself thinking about his name and President in the same sentence and starts laughing as hard as I have been for the last six months. Fucking pizzas, man.

Naturally, as is always the case in politics, the same people who spent months attacking him are now nothing but kind in their words.

“Herman Cain provided an important voice to this process,” Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann said in a statement. “His ideas and energy generated tremendous enthusiasm for the conservative movement at a time it was so desperately needed to restore confidence in our country.”

Fellow Georgian Newt Gingrich said the “9-9-9” plan “got our country talking about the critical issue of how to reform our tax code and he elevated the dialogue of the Republican presidential primary in the process.”

Texas Gov. Rick Perry said he knew the Cains made a “difficult decision. He helped invigorate conservative voters and our nation with a discussion of major tax reform. Anita and I wish him and his entire family all the best.”

Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman said Cain brought “a unique and valuable voice to the debate over how to reform our country’s uncompetitive tax code and turn around the economy. I understand his decision and wish him and his family the best.” – CNN

Loosely translated: “Good riddance you crazy fuck.” The GOP has enough problems without Big Daddy Cain and his hat making them look totally crazy. Not that the remaining inmates at the crazy house aren’t all fucking lunatics. But, in a way, this is kind of like NWA without Ice Cube or COBRA without Destro. I think people were pretty much tuning in just to see what mental puke would spew from Cain’s mouth. His tragic clown routine provided comic relief for Romney’s cult programming, Ron Paul’s paranoia and Bachmann’s Crazy Jesus Eyes. It’s just not going to be fun anymore. Well, until the convention. Any gathering consisting of that many bigots, rich people and religious nuts has got to be one hell of a good time.



  1. December 5, 2011 at 5:02 AM

    “Loosely translated: ‘Good riddance you crazy fuck.'” Of course, as you say, that’s something coming from the founding members of the Crazy Fuck Club (CFC)–which is not to be confused with choloflorocarbons, which are slightly better for the health of the planet than this lot…

    The most amusing part of the amusing/WTF is wrong with the US candidacy of Herman (we would elect someone named Herman, really?) is the fact that apparently he enjoyed quoting from Pokemon movies (http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/scarce/herman-cain-pok-mon). So, the cartoon candidacy (well, his, anyway) might be dead, the anime-inspired words to live by made real by Donna Summer live on. At least in his tortured mind.

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