So, earlier this week we saw the official end of the war in Iraq. There have been speeches, flag ceremonies and a fair amount of media coverage. But, what has struck me the most about all of it has been the positive spin everyone keeps putting on this debacle now that it’s over. President Obama himself gave a speech yesterday in which he declared the war a success and praised the efforts of America’s armed forces in the almost decade long war. Or occupation. Or whatever. And yeah, I know he kind of has to do that. Nevertheless, as I have done here, here and here and a few other times I am going to print what I wish Obama had said. And, I’m sure, what he wanted to say.


“My fellow Americans, men and women of the armed forces and our allies abroad,

Take a deep breath and let it out. Maybe crack open a cold one. Light up that spliff you’ve been saving. It’s over. Thank Jesus it’s over. I’m talking about American involvement in Iraq. You know, that giant shit hole over in the ass crack of the world? Yeah. That place.

This war was utterly ridiculous. It was perhaps the biggest, stupidest and most pointless waste of life and money that America has ever engaged in. We look like imbeciles. And no amount of fanfare or optimism is going to restore our credibility on the world stage. And, yes, it matters what other countries think of us because it’ll be a cold day in hell before even our closest allies are willing to go to war with us again.

Did I say “war”? Sorry. That would imply we had any idea who the fuck we were fighting these last nine years or why. We just kind of settled on the idea of fighting Iraqis which is nuts because it is, you know, Iraq. After we didn’t find any WMD’s or 9/11 conspirators or any of the other farcical things we were supposedly looking for. Every time we tried to save face by changing the objective we just looked dumber and dumber.

Oil? Where is all this much ballyhooed oil? It still costs most of us almost five goddamn dollars a gallon to gas up our cars. Still not seeing any oil. Show me the oil.

Then we got on this idea about a “free” Iraq. Like we went to war to liberate these people. Yeah. And I went to law school to be a circus clown. Well, yes, we did get rid of Saddam. A man who was about as dangerous as Kermit the Frog. And we can now proudly point to the Islamic Republic of Iraq for all our efforts. Laughable, man.

It was once called “the central front in the war on terror”. Can one be a terrorist in their own country? I don’t know. Frankly, I’m so tired of even thinking about this that I’ll just go ahead and let the conservatives have that one. It’s on me. Merry goddamn Christmas.

But we’re here today not to relive the past. We’re here to welcome our troops home, those of you who still have arms and legs left or haven’t nibbled on the barrel of your service weapon yet. I think what we put you through is reprehensible. I think how we treat you when you get home is even worse. Your job is harder than anyone not wearing a uniform will ever know. Being shot at tends to make politics look pretty fucking unimportant, doesn’t it?

Liberals are on my case because on day one of my administration I didn’t shut the whole thing down and bring everyone home. Yeah, invading Iraq was dumb but if we let the place fall apart then we’re basically pissing on the memories of the 4,500+ Americans who died there. Well, they can fuck off. I didn’t like this war anymore than they did but while they’re busy sipping coffee at Starbuck’s I’m seeing shit in my daily intelligence briefings that would make their goddamned heads spin.

And there’s the wingnuts. The righties. The fundies. The Fox News chattel. The armchair warriors who just love sending other people, and their children, into combat but have never gotten their fat asses off the sofa and torn their eyes away from NASCAR long enough to do it themselves. Yeah, they can pretty much fuck off too.

And then we have “Middle America”. You know the people who were all gung-ho for this war in 2003 and who have largely forgotten about it and gone on with their lives? Yeah. If I weren’t running for re-election I would tell them to fuck off as well. Biggest bunch of spoiled ingrates I’ve ever seen.

So, in closing, I can only impart this to our armed forces: Next time Fox News or Paul Wolfowitz or Tommy Franks or whoever tries to talk you into doing something this incredibly stupid, as your Commander in Chief I give you permission to respond by saying “I’m here to defend my country. Not your reality.”

Thank you and welcome home.”


2 Responses to “LET’S CUT THE CRAP”

  1. 1 sex
    June 15, 2014 at 11:48 AM

    Hello there! This article could not be written much better!
    Reading through this post reminds me of my previous roommate!
    He constantly kept talking about this. I am going to send this post to him.
    Pretty sure he’s going to have a good read. Thanks for sharing!

  2. 2 Anonymous
    December 18, 2011 at 2:16 AM

    Good morning.

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