Archive for January, 2012

26
Jan
12

WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE THIS YEAR

I follow with fascination the idea that the world is going to end or somehow become drastically altered in 2012. And, as an avid fan of science fiction, I would have to say that the human imagination has definitely considered every possible avenue to our destruction. So it kind of worries me when we go ahead and start doing these things for real.

“The Navy’s new drone being tested near Chesapeake Bay stretches the boundaries of technology: It’s designed to land on the deck of an aircraft carrier, one of aviation’s most difficult maneuvers.

What’s even more remarkable is that it will do that not only without a pilot in the cockpit, but without a pilot at all.

The X-47B marks a paradigm shift in warfare, one that is likely to have far-reaching consequences. With the drone’s ability to be flown autonomously by onboard computers, it could usher in an era when death and destruction can be dealt by machines operating semi-independently.

Although humans would program an autonomous drone’s flight plan and could override its decisions, the prospect of heavily armed aircraft screaming through the skies without direct human control is unnerving to many.” – LOS ANGELES TIMES

Yeah. It’s pretty unnerving. Why would you not want a fucking pilot? How does having nobody in control of the goddamn thing make this idea any more appealing? Why don’t you just give it a booming voice and a single red eye that zips back and forth. Oh yeah and make sure you upload all the TERMINATOR and MATRIX films to its AI brain. You wouldn’t want to pass up an opportunity for subtle irony.

And is the need for a totally autonomous killing machine really worth the obscene amount of cash I’m sure this thing costs? Or does the Navy just love flushing money down the toilet? I do. I mean I don’t but you’d think that I do. I’m terrible with money. Of course I don’t have the Navy’s overhead. Or the power to kill millions.

And to be fair, if I did have that kind of scratch I would be making an army of emotionless clones armed with artificially intelligent flamethrowers. And robot women with vaginas for mouths. Or something like that. It’s that type of thing that has usually kept me out of positions of any real authority all my life.

25
Jan
12

BYE BYE NOW…

I won’t labor anyone with my tales of diarrhea and vomiting. As much as I’m sure you were looking forward to them. And even though I’m behind I did promise myself to write an epitaph for each of these candidates as they dropped out. And, admittedly, in a few months you can look back and totally not be able to tell I got sick and/or totally slacked off for like two weeks.

Of course Rick Perry didn’t “drop out” in the strictest sense. None of these people have officially quit the race. They have all “suspended” their campaigns. What does that mean? I don’t know. As far back as I can remember “suspended” was usually a bad thing. Especially when it came to school, my driver’s license or my video rental privileges. But, when you’re running for President it means you can stop working and continue getting paid.

“By the time the contests came around this month, Perry’s campaign had fizzled. He placed fifth in Iowa and last in New Hampshire, where he didn’t compete.

And while Perry vowed to “win” in South Carolina, the final poll that included him, from CNN/Time/ORC International this week, put him at 6% among likely voters in the state’s primary.

In announcing Thursday that he was suspending his campaign — a move that allows candidates to continue raising and spending campaign funds — Perry said he saw “no viable path forward.” – CNN

I want to “suspend” a lot of things but still receive the benefits. Fuck work. I should just fail upwards and get involved in politics. At any rate, I remember when Rick Perry jumped into the race and was being hailed as the next Commander-in-Chief. That was like, a few months ago in the olden days. Here we are today and he never even cracked 10%. Yes, politics is a mysterious Siren indeed.

And Perry is like some kind of tragic clown. Everyone begged him to run and when he did they basically told him to go fuck himself. Like that time I was dating this girl and told her I’d be with her forever. Then she got pregnant and I was like “wow you totally suck” and left her. But, she got to collect a check from the government anyway for being crazy.  Kind of like Rick Perry. So I guess everyone made out in the end.

19
Jan
12

WHEN THE HUNTSMAN BECOMES THE HUNTED

I’m so far behind these days it’s not even funny. Well, admittedly, it is kind of funny. I laugh about it a lot actually. That is when I’m not coughing up a lung or praying for a swift death. This virus just won’t go away. My wife and kids are all better now but I’m still bedridden in a kind of reverse OMEGA MAN scenario.

I was truly sad to see that the lone voice of reason in the Republican primary finally called it quits. Jon Huntsman’s Presidential bid was always a gloriously futile gesture. You can’t run for office as a Republican and not be a raving wingnut and/or billionaire brat. Huntsman was neither. Which often made me wonder what the hell he was even doing in the Republican Party.

“Our campaign for the presidency ends, but our campaign for a (better) American continues,” Huntsman declared. “I believe it is now time for our party to unite around the candidate best equipped to defeat Barack Obama. Despite our differences and the space between us on some of the issues, I believe that candidate is Gov. Mitt Romney.” – CNN

It was sort of my impression that uniting in the traditional sense meant not having any differences. But, whatever. Romney will ultimately rule the party through fear and brutality like Moe did with the other Stooges. As with Tim Pawlenty I always felt that Huntsman was just too fundamentally decent a guy for this kind of thing.

I’m sure there was some kind of Greco-Mormon wrestling going on behind the scenes as well. My guess is that Romney had to come and beat the Brigham Young out of Huntsman like De Niro bashing that guy over the head in THE UNTOUCHABLES. In fact looking at that picture I get this image of Huntsman laying on the ground sobbing with his pants around his ankles while a naked Mitt lights a cigarette and mutters “Quit cryin’, you belong to me now.”

And one wonders if Huntsman wasn’t offered something in return for his endorsement like a cabinet post or a bunch of virgins. Or Mormon dollars. Or whatever. Money is pretty much all Romney has and is the only reason he’s gotten this far. Without it I think he’d be just another Max Headroom impersonator.

11
Jan
12

BUT BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

I know this is last week’s story. But, I’ve been toiling in my own piss and shit for like the last four days suffering from some kind of mutant alien Klingon virus. Seriously, if Death of the Four Horsemen ever had to call in sick I could have taken over no problem.

And speaking of death there was one that occurred last week that I still haven’t written about yet. That would be the death of Michele Bachmann’s Presidential campaign. The funny thing is that I always knew this day was coming. We all did. Bachmann is such a perfect caricature of the social conservative wing of the party that she never really had a future in national politics anyway. Not to mention that social conservatives aren’t really the type to elect a woman to the highest office in the land.

But Christ did she try. Bachmann was like that one girl on the high school cheerleading squad who was actually convinced she was helping her team score points. And as much as I’d like to dwell on her doing a locker room full of football players, I won’t. That sort of thing demands… privacy. And some Judas Priest.

This is actually my point. When I think of Bachmann I don’t see her as a staunch conservative Congresswoman from Minnesota. I see her as an early 1990’s glam metal video star bent seductively over the hood of a muscle car wearing nothing but a foam bikini. And that’s what I’m supposed to see. They don’t want me to think about her record in Congress or her interesting views on your personal life. Because that’s when it gets all THE SHINING and she goes from sexy naked to shriveled, cackling and evil naked.

So why can’t I quit her? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we’re both from the Midwest. Maybe it’s because we both went to the same college. Maybe it’s the way neither of us lets facts or common sense sway our views. Or maybe it’s because I know that deep down she also wants to do it dressed as a clown. Who knows. I don’t make the wine I just drink it.

04
Jan
12

RICK SANTORUM IS A PLAYER AT LAST

I would love to tell you all that I sat glued to my TV screen last night, breathlessly awaiting the results of the Iowa Republican Presidential caucus. But, unlike my boss or my doctor, I find lying to my readers incredibly difficult to do. I actually played Modern Warfare 3 for like three hours. Then I took a long hot bath and went to bed. When I got up this morning I rubbed one out and played some more Modern Warfare. Then I jumped online to check out the results.

And what do you know? Rick Santorum came within 8 votes of beating Mitt Romney for the top spot… in a caucus. Which isn’t an election. And really doesn’t mean anything. But, Rick has been like that kid at the back of the class who keeps eagerly raising hand because he’s so very sure he knows the answer. I guess it was only inevitable that someone finally called on him. Except that his answer was completely and utterly retarded.

“Videos posted on several websites show Santorum discussing programs such as Medicaid and food stamps, then saying: “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.”

…Santorum’s spokesman did not immediately return telephone calls and emails Tuesday seeking comment…

…But Santorum addressed the comment during an interview Monday with CBS News, telling the network that he had seen the quotation but didn’t know the context of the statement.

“If you look at what I’ve been saying, I’ve been pretty clear about my concern for dependency in this country and concern for people not being more dependent on our government, whatever their race or ethnicity is,” Santorum said in the interview.” – THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE.

Yeah, I bet his spokesman didn’t return any phone calls. Whenever I shoot my mouth off and offend a shitload of people I don’t call anyone back either. I even go a step further and turn all the lights off in my house and pretend I’m not home.

And what fucking “context” is he talking about? The context in which he was trying woo a bunch of backwoods mongoloids and now has to pretend he didn’t really say what he said so he can actually survive the rest of the primary let alone win the nomination and stand a chance of getting elected President in a nation with a rapidly shrinking white majority?

That’s cool. I can totally relate. I remember one time I told the police that I was the one who drove his car through that hair salon and then hogtied all those fat women inside at knifepoint. Later, after they made a big deal about it and pressed “charges” I had to explain to the judge how they had completely taken my words out of context. And then I didn’t return her phone calls either. What can I say, Your Honor? Unless you’re my mother or incredibly hot I just have a hard time paying attention to you.

03
Jan
12

WE ARE MAGNUS GREEL…

So it’s 2012. I hope everyone had a good New Year’s Eve like I did. And now, with the holidays behind us, we can once again get back to work. This is going to be a big year, climaxing with a Presidential election. And something about the end of the world on December 21st. I’ll have to keep you updated on that as well.

Admittedly, I found myself at something of a crossroads with regard to MagnusGreel.com (also MagnusGreel.org, MagnusGreel.info and MagnusGreel.net – yeah I have nothing better to do with my money than spend it on fucking domain names). I began to worry that I had started repeating myself and had stopped saying anything new. Granted, my posts are as new as the news itself because that’s where the bulk of my material comes from.

Then, on New Year’s Day, I opened my email inbox to find a little unexpected gift from the people at WordPress. A new feature here is a complete year-end summary of my site stats. And it’s incredibly detailed. Even more so than Google Ads. There is all kinds of information on where my blog posts are being reposted, who is referring traffic to my site, etc. And then there was this little nugget about the most commonly used search terms which brought traffic here:

“Some visitors came searching, mostly for spiders, halle berry ass, waitress, orthodox jewish women, and magnus greel.”

I’m glad to see I share the same interest group as Halle Berry’s ass. Not so much the spiders and the Orthodox Jewish women. Of course at this point just about any search term involving “waitress” and “fucking” will inevitably bring you to what is still my most popular blog post ever.

However, the part that really got me excited was the detailed breakdown of my readers and the countries they are from. And keep in mind these are regular readers who visited this site at least once a week throughout 2011. There are plenty other irregular readers as well but WordPress didn’t give me any hard numbers on them. Still, like irregular bowel movements, the habits of irregular readers can be fixed with strong coffee and lots of fiber. Perhaps some stool softener.

At any rate you are Magnus Greel and this is where you live:

The United States – 194

South Africa – 88

Australia – 74

Brazil – 56

United Kingdom – 32

Pakistan – 29

New Zealand – 25

Argentina – 18

India – 18

Israel – 16

Canada – 8

Chile – 8

Ireland – 7

Ecuador – 6

Malaysia – 5

Philippines – 5

Columbia – 4

Netherlands – 4

Portugal – 4

Saudia Arabia – 4

Sweden – 4

Egypt – 3

Thailand – 3

New Caledonia – 2

Dominican Republic – 1

Kenya – 1

Mexico – 1

Puerto Rico – 1

Senegal – 1

Sudan – 1

Pardon me for saying so but this is fucking awesome! Seriously, seeing this got me fired up in a way I haven’t been before. I write this blog for my own reasons but knowing that you are out there gives me a rush. Granted, I’m sure some of you hate my guts and return here regularly just to get pissed off. But, hey, love means nothing without hate. I actually have that tattooed on my penis.