I won’t labor anyone with my tales of diarrhea and vomiting. As much as I’m sure you were looking forward to them. And even though I’m behind I did promise myself to write an epitaph for each of these candidates as they dropped out. And, admittedly, in a few months you can look back and totally not be able to tell I got sick and/or totally slacked off for like two weeks.

Of course Rick Perry didn’t “drop out” in the strictest sense. None of these people have officially quit the race. They have all “suspended” their campaigns. What does that mean? I don’t know. As far back as I can remember “suspended” was usually a bad thing. Especially when it came to school, my driver’s license or my video rental privileges. But, when you’re running for President it means you can stop working and continue getting paid.

“By the time the contests came around this month, Perry’s campaign had fizzled. He placed fifth in Iowa and last in New Hampshire, where he didn’t compete.

And while Perry vowed to “win” in South Carolina, the final poll that included him, from CNN/Time/ORC International this week, put him at 6% among likely voters in the state’s primary.

In announcing Thursday that he was suspending his campaign — a move that allows candidates to continue raising and spending campaign funds — Perry said he saw “no viable path forward.” – CNN

I want to “suspend” a lot of things but still receive the benefits. Fuck work. I should just fail upwards and get involved in politics. At any rate, I remember when Rick Perry jumped into the race and was being hailed as the next Commander-in-Chief. That was like, a few months ago in the olden days. Here we are today and he never even cracked 10%. Yes, politics is a mysterious Siren indeed.

And Perry is like some kind of tragic clown. Everyone begged him to run and when he did they basically told him to go fuck himself. Like that time I was dating this girl and told her I’d be with her forever. Then she got pregnant and I was like “wow you totally suck” and left her. But, she got to collect a check from the government anyway for being crazy.  Kind of like Rick Perry. So I guess everyone made out in the end.


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