Archive for March, 2012

28
Mar
12

BOOM!

I grew up in the 1980’s. For me nuclear Armageddon is not some abstract concept. One of my first memories of being a child at school involves being taught to get under the desk in the event of a third World War. So I’m not only terrified by nuclear weapons I also have a rather dry and fatalistic sense of humor.

South Korean President Lee Myung-bak, who looks like my drunk uncle doing Elvis karaoke at every family gathering (seriously, the man has a problem) hosted leaders from the world’s nuclear powers at a summit in Seoul this week. So basically all the dudes with guns on the block are getting together to have a meeting about keeping guns off the streets. Not their guns of course.

“World leaders have called for closer co-operation to tackle the threat of nuclear terrorism at a summit on nuclear security in Seoul. A communique at the end of the summit reiterated a joint call to secure “vulnerable nuclear material”.

South Korean President Lee Myung-bak said nuclear terrorism remained a “grave threat”, while US President Barack Obama said action was key.

The meeting was dominated by North Korea’s plan to launch a rocket…

…Pyongyang says it is intended to mark the 100th anniversary of the birth of North Korea’s founding leader Kim Il-sung. On Tuesday, a North Korean foreign ministry spokesman said that the launch would go ahead as planned and criticised Mr Obama’s stance as ”confrontational”.” – BBC NEWS

I think launching fucking rockets during a summit on nuclear weapons is pretty goddamn confrontational. Seriously, man, this is how every John McTiernan film starts out. And even though the old man is dead North Korea is still the real world equivalent of SMERSH or SPECTRE. So I would be pretty alarmed if they started launching shit while I’m in their neighborhood. Luckily there’s a united world body committed to keeping us safe from destruction.

“There are currently no binding international agreements on how to protect nuclear material stored peacefully inside its home country, says the BBC’s Lucy Williamson in Seoul. An amendment seeking to do that is still unratified after seven years.

Addressing the summit, Mr Obama warned there were still “too many bad actors” who were threatening to stockpile and use ”dangerous” nuclear material.”

So then what the hell is the point? Does the President himself have to waste his time going to this dog and pony show? Couldn’t they send a fucking intern or something? I mean if all they’re going to do is sit around and talk then they could just send my boss or my grandmother.

As the only nation to ever use atomic weapons in war I’m still not sure we should be prancing around lecturing the world on keeping them safe. We have enough nuclear weapons to vaporize the entire planet several times over. That’s part of the reason we’re so fucking powerful. So we’re not going to get rid of them. Same with every other country which has managed to get their hands on the bomb. So I’m not entirely sure what the point of all this masturbation is. Granted, I often do it just for the sake of it. So I guess I’m just answering my own questions now. Awesome. I don’t need anybody anymore.

24
Mar
12

MITT ROMNEY!

No, that’s not a mistake. I’ve taken to just blurting his name out at random points during the day to startle people. It seems to genuinely frighten everyone when I do it. And although I’m sure my family hates it by now they’re probably just happy to see me off the whole “Deez nuts!” thing.

I don’t know why I even bother following the GOP primary anymore. I think it’s pretty much wrapped up for now until August when it will have one more real chance to get interesting again. Mitt Romney! is the only one left standing in any real capacity even though he’s worked so damn hard to fuck it all up.

“Fresh from a solid victory in Illinois, Mitt Romney’s Republican presidential campaign got caught up in a flap on Wednesday over an aide’s comments his opponents said made clear Romney is not a real conservative.

Senior adviser Eric Fehrnstrom gave Romney rivals Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich grist for criticism in his reply to a question during a CNN interview on whether Romney has had to tack so far to the right it could hurt him in a general election match-up against Democratic President Barack Obama.

Fehrnstrom said Romney’s situation is much like an Etch A Sketch, a popular children’s toy used for drawing that can simply be shaken to erase the image scrolled onto it.

“Well, I think you hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch A Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all over again,” Fehrnstrom said.” – REUTERS

I know its all bullshit and these guys are all just fucking actors. Even the ones you like. But, I still like to enjoy the illusion as with professional wrestling or my career prospects. You like a good steak but you don’t want to know how it got on your plate. Trust me. You don’t. Damn, now I’m thinking about steak and I completely lost my train of thought.

Oh yeah. In the end, charisma trumps all in Presidential politics. Clinton, W, Reagan, Obama- these guys inspired people. And they always win out over guys like Dole, Kerry, Mondale and McCain. There’s a lot to be said for a complete and total lack of personality. And I don’t need to point out how fucking vacant Mitt Romney! is. Putting him up against Obama is like putting Keanu Reeves in a movie with Denzel Washington.

I’m trying to put together a trip to the convention in Tampa this August. Of course I’m still trying to get Gloria Estefan’s attention. And I’ve been working on that for like 25 years now. But, I’m not giving up. Jail, restraining orders, FBI watch lists- bring it on. The more society tries to stop me the more right I become. I actually print that on every bottle of my own homebrewed beer.

14
Mar
12

THE GOOD CAPITALIST

The big story today (or one of them) is the rather unique resignation letter by former Goldman Sachs executive Greg Smith which turned into an op-ed piece in THE NEW YORK TIMES. I’ve written a few resignation letters myself over the years and they’ve never gotten published. Although that’s probably because of all the profanity and various claims about my sexual prowess I always throw in. Fuck man, I just can’t help myself.

The entire thing is worth reading even though his reasons for leaving aren’t all that surprising: people who work at Goldman Sachs are complete and utter scumbags. And although everyone is cheering and applauding this guy as some kind of hero today I have to say that I have a different take. No shit, right? Basically, this is what he had to say:

“To put the problem in the simplest terms, the interests of the client continue to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making money. Goldman Sachs is one of the world’s largest and most important investment banks and it is too integral to global finance to continue to act this way. The firm has veered so far from the place I joined right out of college that I can no longer in good conscience say that I identify with what it stands for.” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

Hey man, selling people shit they don’t need and fucking them over for profit is what capitalism is all about. It’s what they taught you to do in business school. Your ability to do this without batting an eyelash is why you chose this line of work to begin with. Either that or you possess a jaw-dropping level of naivety that would lead you to think that there is somehow morality or nobility in trying to make money by any means necessary.

You chose to get involved in the dark and endless alleyways of high finance. You chose to work on Wall Street. You chose making money as your first and, apparently, only priority in life. And while it’s nice to think that someone from the dark side finally saw the light I’m left wondering just how moral a person can be to get involved in this kind of thing to begin with.

I appreciate that you’ve worked very hard to succeed in life and, no, I don’t hold that against you. But, did you ever stop and wonder why working with money requires so much fucking schooling to begin with? Easy. The system is designed to suck the blood out of the rest of us without the rest of us knowing what the fuck is even going on. You chose to be a parasite on the scrotum of humanity. So don’t give me this “aw shucks” routine about how dirty and evil everyone else in your line of work really is. For me, your resignation letter was akin to Heinrich Himmler openly decrying the culture of hatred and murder that existed in the Nazi Party.

And where the hell was your moral compass four or five years ago when your firm and every other one like it was driving our country into the goddamn septic tank? Where was your disgust at how capitalism really works then? Simple. It didn’t exist. Your pockets were getting lined like everyone else’s at the expense of middle class America and you didn’t give a shit. But now that Goldman Sachs is damaged goods you’re bailing with, I’m guessing, a lot of fucking money in the bank. You want me to believe your moral platitudes? Empty your bank accounts and give it all to charity. Then go join a Buddhist commune somewhere and spend the rest of your life eating rice and contemplating your navel.

But that won’t happen. You’ll write a book about how awesome you are. Get paid to be a talking head on cable news. Probably rack up $30,000 an hour on the lecture circuit. You might even end up starting your own little blood sucking investment outfit. And hey, you know, that’s cool and all. Just don’t try and sell me your shit because I’m not buying it.

12
Mar
12

JUNKIES ARE TIRED OF YOUR CRAP

A few days ago a homeless dumpster diving tweaker actually bitched me out for putting dirty diapers in the garbage. As I laughed at him with complete and utter disregard for his situation, I found myself thinking that there has to be a better way to deal with junkies. Thankfully, the city of San Francisco is leading that very charge.

“This is the San Francisco Drug Users Union, one of a few such groups in the U.S. and part of a growing worldwide movement of thousands who, according to the International Network of People Who Use Drugs, are demanding a voice “in decision-making processes that affect our lives.” The network is a group that seeks to represent people who use drugs before government bodies and international agencies.

In the coming months, members of the San Francisco group plan to testify before a city panel on housing discrimination, cohost the first conference in the U.S. by and for drug users, and hold a design contest for a safe-injection site similar to one in Vancouver, Canada, where public health workers provide sterile needles and intervene in cases of overdose. They also have crafted a manual for medical personnel, to be released later this month, in hopes that drug users will get better emergency care.” – THE LOS ANGELES TIMES

I’m a pretty liberal guy. And I think that our laws with regard to certain drugs are kind of quaint and obsolete. But, I’m also a realist and as such have never been able to completely embrace the view (espoused in many European countries) that hardcore drug use is a disease. It would be the only disease that someone chooses to contract. At some point every meth and heroin addict made a decision. And they did so with a fairly good idea of what was going to happen next. Likewise, nobody has ever stopped by their dealer after a shitty day at work and tried to score some rickets or lupus.

It’s not like there are any stories that start with “So I started doing a mountain of drugs…” and end with “Now I’m a huge success in life!” Well, maybe if you’re Fergie or George Bush. But, usually, no. Nobody’s road to the Supreme Court or the board of a Fortune 500 corporation began with sucking cock in an alley for crack or getting gangrene from shooting heroin.

Sure, I think drug addiction should be dealt with medically and not legally. But, for me, that means taking junkies and strapping their asses to hospital beds until they’re clean. Not spending precious tax dollars to make sure they’re destroying their lives safely. Not when somewhere there’s a bright young kid in a shitty neighborhood who could lead a productive and happy life if only their local school had adequate funding. Anyway, the article goes on to say:

“The group’s ultimate goal is decriminalization, an unlikely prospect but one increasingly debated by policy analysts who contend that the four-decade “war on drugs” has exacerbated social ills.

Linked to the harm-reduction movement — a philosophy that aims to reduce disease, injury and death among drug users without passing judgment or demanding abstinence — the union mostly hopes to put a face on those whom, Jackson said, “most people despise.”

“People say, ‘You’re a drug user, you brought this on yourself,'” Jackson said. “Do people say that when you’re 300 pounds with heart problems from eating McDonald’s every day?”

Yes, actually, they do say that to 300 lbs people. And having lived near Skid Row in Los Angeles for a number of years I can actually say that despising junkies kind of comes naturally when they’re passed out in the doorway of your building or pissing on your parked car. But that aside, I do agree that the “war on drugs” has largely been a waste of time and money. And while it’s helped various people get elected or justify their government salary (DEA, I’m looking in your direction) it has accomplished nothing.

Then again if there’s one thing we do well in America its blow tons of money on shit that will never work or even serve any purpose. Just look at Iraq or Afghanistan. Or faith-based initiatives. Or that effort by the local DA to “prosecute” me for those naked pictures I emailed to his wife. Sorry, dude, but all the “charges” in the world aren’t going to give you a package like mine.