I grew up in the 1980’s. For me nuclear Armageddon is not some abstract concept. One of my first memories of being a child at school involves being taught to get under the desk in the event of a third World War. So I’m not only terrified by nuclear weapons I also have a rather dry and fatalistic sense of humor.

South Korean President Lee Myung-bak, who looks like my drunk uncle doing Elvis karaoke at every family gathering (seriously, the man has a problem) hosted leaders from the world’s nuclear powers at a summit in Seoul this week. So basically all the dudes with guns on the block are getting together to have a meeting about keeping guns off the streets. Not their guns of course.

“World leaders have called for closer co-operation to tackle the threat of nuclear terrorism at a summit on nuclear security in Seoul. A communique at the end of the summit reiterated a joint call to secure “vulnerable nuclear material”.

South Korean President Lee Myung-bak said nuclear terrorism remained a “grave threat”, while US President Barack Obama said action was key.

The meeting was dominated by North Korea’s plan to launch a rocket…

…Pyongyang says it is intended to mark the 100th anniversary of the birth of North Korea’s founding leader Kim Il-sung. On Tuesday, a North Korean foreign ministry spokesman said that the launch would go ahead as planned and criticised Mr Obama’s stance as ”confrontational”.” – BBC NEWS

I think launching fucking rockets during a summit on nuclear weapons is pretty goddamn confrontational. Seriously, man, this is how every John McTiernan film starts out. And even though the old man is dead North Korea is still the real world equivalent of SMERSH or SPECTRE. So I would be pretty alarmed if they started launching shit while I’m in their neighborhood. Luckily there’s a united world body committed to keeping us safe from destruction.

“There are currently no binding international agreements on how to protect nuclear material stored peacefully inside its home country, says the BBC’s Lucy Williamson in Seoul. An amendment seeking to do that is still unratified after seven years.

Addressing the summit, Mr Obama warned there were still “too many bad actors” who were threatening to stockpile and use ”dangerous” nuclear material.”

So then what the hell is the point? Does the President himself have to waste his time going to this dog and pony show? Couldn’t they send a fucking intern or something? I mean if all they’re going to do is sit around and talk then they could just send my boss or my grandmother.

As the only nation to ever use atomic weapons in war I’m still not sure we should be prancing around lecturing the world on keeping them safe. We have enough nuclear weapons to vaporize the entire planet several times over. That’s part of the reason we’re so fucking powerful. So we’re not going to get rid of them. Same with every other country which has managed to get their hands on the bomb. So I’m not entirely sure what the point of all this masturbation is. Granted, I often do it just for the sake of it. So I guess I’m just answering my own questions now. Awesome. I don’t need anybody anymore.


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