Archive for April, 2012

27
Apr
12

THE FIENDISH PLOT OF MR. MIX

It’s a glorious day outside and the wife keeps hounding me to get the kids out of the house more often. I keep hounding her to watch this videotape I got once from an adult bookstore in West Hollywood. But, you know, “society” demands that we take care of our children first so it looks like I’m going to the fucking park today.

And speaking of shit that gets into the water and then fucks everything up (well, not really but I was hard up for a segue) the company responsible for the Deepwater Horizon disaster and oil spill two years ago is finally facing criminal charges. Two years, man. But go a week or two with expired tags on your car or drive by the mayor’s house late at night and honk the horn and blast the stereo and it’s swift fucking justice. Just sayin’.

A former engineer for BP PLC was arrested Tuesday and accused of destroying evidence relating to the 2010 Deepwater Horizon explosion and oil spill, the first criminal case to arise from the incident.

Federal prosecutors charged Kurt Mix of Katy, Texas, with two counts of obstruction of justice for deleting from his iPhone hundreds of text messages about the spill that he exchanged with a co-worker and a contractor, according to a criminal complaint unsealed Tuesday.

Mr. Mix didn’t enter a plea when he appeared in a federal courtroom here Tuesday wearing a purple dress shirt, khaki pants and handcuffs. A lawyer representing him at the proceeding, David Gerger, declined to comment after Tuesday’s hearing.” – WALL STREET JOURNAL

So, yeah, the obvious joke is the guy’s name. That Mr. Mix would choose to follow a career path into the oil racket was pretty funny. And sounding like a super villain won’t help him in court defending charges of complicity in the single worst oil spill ever. He might as well form some kind of diabolical trio along with Mr. Hostage and Mr. Larceny and try to ransom a stolen nuclear weapon.

The other, and perhaps not so funny, joke is that some fucking engineer is about to take the fall for this thing. If he’s the only guy to face charges then I give up. Well, I won’t give up. I’ll probably take a nap or something. Anyhow, I’m sure the good folks over at BP are just as eager to get to the bottom of this awful business as we are.

BP said it wouldn’t comment on the charges against Mr. Mix but that the company had clear policies requiring preservation of evidence in the case. The company said it was “cooperating with the Department of Justice and other official investigations into the Deepwater Horizon accident and oil spill.”

No shit they have “clear policies” about preserving evidence. I have very “clear policies” on driving the speed limit and declaring all of my income. And the less I say about that the better. I should also point out that the man in the photo is not Mr. Mix. He is, in fact, someone I know. He is not a super villain and, to the best of my knowledge, is not affiliated with BP in any way. He is, however, a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus and an all around swell guy. And maybe next time he’ll think twice before he gets all cute in front of the camera.

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23
Apr
12

RICK SANTORUM FINALLY WENT AWAY

First and foremost, happy 420. Or 4.20. Or is it 4:20? I don’t know. And the more I think about it, it probably doesn’t matter seeing as how it was on Friday. Seriously, though, you don’t need a holiday as an excuse to get blazed in the middle of the day. Or first thing in the morning. Or at night. And so on and so forth. Shit, in that case every fucking day is a holiday.

So the rollicking roller coaster ride of yucks that was the Rick Santorum Presidential Campaign has finally been suspended. As opposed to just ended. Santorum can still raise money under the guise of his campaign even though I have a better chance of fitting into my wife’s lingerie than he does of winning anything. But, that’s why I’m not a politician. This higher logic and math is way over my head. And that torture chamber/dungeon he’s building underneath his house sure isn’t going to pay for itself.

But, in all seriousness (as opposed to some seriousness or none at all I suppose) I’m going to miss this guy. He’ll be back. Make no mistake about it. But, my guess is that this was Santorum’s moment in the sun and now the night comes. Which in his case probably means a fat talk show deal at Fox or a PR gig with the KKK or something. For the rest of us it would mean having to get a real job.

Society needs Rick Santorum. Why? Because we need a clear and identifiable marker to show us just how far off the cliff the human psyche is capable of going. Without him we would never know just how deep the dark waters of human insanity go. We would hear tales of people who believe in abstinence-only sex education or no abortion under any circumstances or total deregulation but we wouldn’t believe them. We would consider them mythical like sirens or fairies. We would tell our children about creationists and neocons hiding in the closet or under the bed to scare the hell out of them.

Thankfully, we have a real person like Santorum to prove that such creatures do exist and that, if we’re not careful, they might end up in positions of power and responsibility. In many ways that’s the same reason someone like me exists. Although trade “positions of power and responsibility” with “your bedroom with your wife and daughters and a 12-pack” and you should get the picture.

Did I just actually write that? Jesus, I’m sick.

13
Apr
12

FREAKY FRIDAY

I have a few family members who work in mental health. And if there’s one thing that has always intrigued me it’s their belief that everyone is crazy to one degree or another. Of course for most of us that means relatively harmless stuff like watching clown porn or having a human relationship with a pet. But, for some people, it means turning into a one man murder machine.

“A second psychiatric evaluation of Norwegian mass killer Anders Behring Breivik has found him sane enough to face trial and a jail term.

The findings contradict a previous evaluation, published in November, that found him legally insane.

Breivik is due to stand trial on Monday over a bomb attack and shooting spree last July that killed 77 people.

Both reports will be considered by the court when it decides whether he should be sent to a psychiatric ward or jail.” – BBC NEWS

Breivik, who for some reason is allowed to dress like Neo when he comes to court, looks like he enjoys showing people how strong he is and that he could break out of those cuffs if he really wanted to. And in most cases I would laugh at someone that crazy. Except that this guy killed 77 people. In one day. And they’re still debating whether or not he’s insane. Which, I’m assuming, means somehow there’s a version of murdering 77 people in one day and you’re not just a little touched in the head.

At least now this asshole might go to jail instead of going free for being crazy. I always found it kind of strange that there could be a legal system in which there are relatively few consequences despite having committed 77 homicides. In one day. But, rack up a few parking tickets or make fun of the royal family in Norway and they sure as fuck throw the book at you. So I hear.

Meanwhile, in America, our most famous mass murderer just got what will probably be his last day in court. In what has become a macabre ritual since being imprisoned four decades ago Charles Manson was given a parole hearing to determine if they might actually let this fucking retard out of jail.

“Notorious killer Charles Manson, 77, was denied parole Wednesday after a California parole panel “could find nothing good as far as suitability” for his being paroled, a commissioner said.

Manson didn’t show up for his parole hearing, which was held at a state prison in Corcoran, California, where he is serving a life sentence.

Manson’s next parole hearing was scheduled for 15 years from now, meaning he could die in prison.

California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck said that Manson has accumulated 108 serious disciplinary violations in prison since 1971 and that he has shown no indication of remorse for his nine murder convictions.” – CNN

I’m all for mindlessly going through the motions and stuff. Believe me I am. But, this kind of scares me when they do this. State bureaucrats could fuck up a bowl of oatmeal and I’m surprised that they haven’t accidentally let him out by now. Of course when it comes to my back taxes or expired car registration they’re goddamn Johnny on the Spot. I’m not sure what the moral of this story is but I think it has something to do with killing lots of people and not paying taxes. Two areas where I’m a Viking.

06
Apr
12

DICK CHENEY HAS A NEW HEART

For me, the image which will most singularly define the Bush Administration is Vice President Cheney being carried out of the White House in a wheelchair his last day in office. It was both fitting and ironic to see one of modern history’s most powerful men being hauled away like some kind of dying vampire elder.

And like something out of a horror film Cheney doesn’t stay down for long. Before we knew it he was back on the TV news circuit pissing and moaning to anyone who would listen in an attempt to rewrite the last decade of history. It seemed as if he was his old self again. Granted the only difference between his new and old selves is the use of his legs. Nevertheless Cheney is dying. In truth we all are. But, and I’m somehow very comfortable saying this, Dick Cheney is going to go a lot sooner than I am. Or is he?

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been released from a Virginia hospital 10 days after undergoing a heart transplant, his office said Tuesday.

Cheney, 71, who has a history of heart trouble, had surgery at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Falls Church, Virginia. He’s suffered at least five heart attacks since 1978,

“As he leaves the hospital, the former Vice President and his family want to again express their deep gratitude to the donor and the donor’s family for this remarkable gift,” his office said in a statement.

Cheney had been on the cardiac transplant list for more than 20 months.” – CNN

For Christ’s sake the guy is 71. How much fucking longer was he going to live anyway? And even if he makes it to 100 those aren’t fun years. From what I can tell old Dick has little left to look forward to from here on out except losing his hearing and wandering into a local 7/11 in nothing but a bathrobe and slippers.

Then again, who am I kidding? It’s Dick Cheney. There’s no way such a vile and fiendish parasite like that would ever give up clinging to life. In all likelihood there’s an entire village in Iraq inhabited by Cheney clones and the whole purpose of their existence is to provide the original with spare body parts. Of course that would mean that the Cheney clones all probably have sex with each other. Which is revolting yet oddly appropriate.

And I wonder who the “donor” was. Maybe the dude he shot in the face. Or some random South American teenager. I don’t know. But, I do have this recurring nightmare in which I’m strapped to a stone edifice and Cheney is standing over me waving a curved dagger in the air and chanting in some ancient language. Of course I also have dreams in which Meghan McCain and I are dressed up like Raggedy Ann and Andy and we’re being forced to procreate by aliens. So, you should probably take my views with a grain of salt.