Archive for May, 2012

29
May
12

BILL CLINTON IS STILL PRETTY AWESOME

I’m really glad I was alive during the Clinton Administration. I campaigned for him my freshman year of college. For anyone who had lived through eight years of Ronald “Raygun” Reagan and then four years of Bush (not that one, the other one) he was a breath of fresh air. Unless you were conservative or religious or just downright crazy in which case you probably hated him. In which case you probably don’t even read this. So I guess it’s kind of a moot point.

Conservatives, however, are particularly vocal in their dislike for Clinton after he took that picture up there last week. And now they are trying to use it as mud in the upcoming Presidential election in which Bill will probably play a big role in campaigning for Obama. What’s all the fuss about? You guessed it. Vaginas.

“Porn actresses Brooklyn Lee and Tasha Reign posed for a photo with Clinton at a gala fundraiser in Monaco this week, TMZ first reported.

Lee and Reign told TMZ on Thursday that they approached Clinton in the hopes of meeting him and having their photo taken with him. When Secret Service agents repelled their starstruck advances, Clinton then told the agents to call the actresses back, posing for a photo and engaging in brief small talk…

…“It was brief–he’s really, really sweet. I just told him that I loved him, I thought he was a great president, and he just kind of winked and smiled and gave us hugs,” Lee said, describing Clinton as “very sweet and cool about the whole thing.”

The two were uncertain, but hopeful, that Clinton knew who they were–or at least their occupation.

“I kind of feel like he knows,” Lee said. “We hope he likes us and we hope he likes to watch our movies.” Reign concurred: “I have a feeling that everyone watches adult entertainment.” – ABC NEWS

Firstly, yes, everyone likes to watch other people have sex be it on film or through a series of tiny cameras placed in the bedrooms of cheap hotel rooms. Normal people like sex and they don’t cower in fear of it. Some of us like it a little too much. But, frankly, “sex addiction” is like telling someone they breathe too much air or drink too much water.

What the right has yet to learn about Bill is that this line of attack will never work on him. The only people bothered by this would never vote for Obama anyway. Those of us who are already voting Democratic don’t really care. And my guess is that it’s nothing more than a tired chuckle to the middle of the electorate. Personally, the more they try to show me Clinton’s immorality the more I’ve come to love the guy. I think it’s awesome he got a blowjob in the Oval Office. Hell, I’m happy for any married guy with a mouth on his penis. And I want the Commander in Chief of the world’s most powerful military getting laid. Like, a lot.

The fact is that Bill is a player. No, he’s the player. The guy is a total pimp. He’s the closest thing to James Bond that there is in the real world with a License to Bill, if you will. And he makes no illusions about who he is or what turns him on. He ruled the goddamn world for 8 years and nobody can touch him. I can’t even begin to dream about that kind of confidence. If I were in his place I would just punch the first person I see every time I walk into a room. Shit, what are they gonna’ do about it?

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16
May
12

CHRISTIANS ARE LITIGIOUS… OR SOMETHING

So I’m sure you’re looking at this and thinking “come on, dude, again with the Christians?” Hell, that’s what I said this morning when I chose this as my subject matter. This time, however, it has nothing to do with gay marriage and everything to do with the fact that I love being a jerk. And let’s be honest, you love it when I’m a jerk too. And who, you may ask, is the creepy guy in the crappy picture up there? That’s Pastor Charles O’Neal of the Beaverton Grace Bible Church. Who, you may ask, are they? Oh, you don’t really care? Well, in all honesty I don’t either. But, it’s a slow news day.

“An Oregon mother of seven is being sued for defamation by her former church over critical comments she made online.

Julie Anne Smith, a stay-at-home mom who home-schools her children, said church members began shunning her and her family after they left Beaverton Grace Bible Church almost four years ago.

She took to the Web in October 2009 to air her concerns about the church’s practices on Google reviews, but said her comments kept being pushed down by other church members’ more recent reviews. So in February of this year, Smith launched a blog called Beaverton Grace Bible Church Survivors to counteract what she called the “cat and mouse game” on Google.

“My primary issue was to discuss spiritual abuse in the church,” Smith told msnbc.com. “In essence, the legal suit is [O’Neal’s] attempt of continuing that spiritual abuse.”

But days after Smith launched her blog, pastor Charles O’Neal filed a $500,000 lawsuit against Smith, her daughter and three other former church members, claiming some of the comments posted online amounted to defamation. O’Neal has been the pastor of the church for 13 years…

… “When you’re in a cult or a spiritually abusive place, your brain takes a while to process, to uncover all of that stuff that was going on, so I was kinda stewing,” she said. “Things were coming clear to me.” – MSNBC

This is just the kind of thing that gets my fingers all excited to do some typing. But, this was just one woman’s opinion. So I cruised by the church’s website to get a better sense of who these people are. It looks pretty run-of-the-mill I suppose. Giant crucifixes, obscure Bible quotes and lots of people with the CJE’s (Crazy Jesus Eyes). Then I saw this section in their mission statement:

“Our church is a God glorifying; Christ centered; expository Bible preaching; public and house to house Gospel proclaiming; sovereign grace celebrating; loving; praying; family oriented; imperfect expression of genuine New Testament Christianity.”

So basically, yeah, it’s a cult. The “house to house Gospel proclaiming” part kind of gives it away. Basically, this means they bother you at home just like Jehovah’s Scientists or Mormonologists or… whatever. Seriously, man, I can’t keep track of all these crazy people. But, hey, at least they graduated from “freeway off-ramp to freeway off- ramp” or “busy intersection” Gospel proclaiming. The American Dream in action I suppose.

So, Miss Smith, you can take today off from exposing the stench of evil coming from the church you once attended. Leave that to me. I am staunchly anti-stench. I do this for a living. Well, I do this. Let’s put it that way. And the last time I did this I ended up really pissing off the government of Thailand. But, it was for a good cause (FREE JOE GORDON!!!) as is this. At any rate I am taking to Facebook and Twitter today (as well as my own site) to express my opinions about the Beaverton Grace Bible Church and Pastor Charles “I want to see you drive away in this used car” O’Neal. Or maybe they’re not opinions. Maybe they’re facts. Who’s to say? It’s the mystery of not really knowing for sure that makes this so exciting!

Beaverton Grace Bible Church: turning little girls into emotionally scarred, slightly older girls.

Beaverton Grace Bible Church: proudly producing the best serial killers in Oregon.

Beaverton Grace Bible Church: when dysfunction at home just isn’t enough.

Beaverton Grace Bible Church: when free will is just too damn expensive.

Pastor Charles O’Neal doesn’t just fight injustice, he robs it of its youthful innocence.

Beaverton Grace Bible Church  is where all the gay goes when it gets prayed away.

Pastor Charles O’Neal was the original inspiration for Ewan McGregor’s character in THE VELVET UNDERGROUND.

When confronted by natural predators, members of the Beaverton Grace Bible Church will use a hierarchy of crippled, impaired and interracial children to shield themselves.

In Aramaic, “Charles O’Neal” means “Master of the Anus, Gripper of Roman Penises”.

Every time a bell rings a member of the Beaverton Grace Bible Church is allowed within 500 feet of a school again.

14
May
12

CHRISTIANS ARE ANGRY… OR SOMETHING – PART 2

Over the weekend I got an email from a friend of mine back in the midwest. He had seen my post on Friday about angry Christians and gay marriage and wanted to respond to it. He isn’t exactly a staunch conservative but he’s pretty reliably right of center on most things. He has always said he just doesn’t “get” homosexuality but admits it’s really none of his business. And although he’s a regular churchgoer he actually, if not sheepishly, agreed with me that American Christians are doing absolutely nothing for their image over this whole gay marriage debate. Or the birth control debate. Or the evolution debate. And so on and so forth.

However, he wanted to take issue with one aspect of my post and that was my implication that this is a strictly white Christian problem. “Have you seen some of the shit black church leaders have been saying since Obama’s interview?” he wrote. “They sound just as crazy as the white ones. But you and the media, you just don’t have the guts to call them out on it.”

I was being baited, obviously. But the more I thought about it the more I started to realize that he was right. And since I’m sure there are almost no standards of decency I haven’t violated, or groups of people I haven’t offended, I thought “Well shit, why not?”

“About two hours after declaring his support for same-sex marriage last week, President Obama gathered eight or so African-American ministers on a conference call to explain himself. He had struggled with the decision, he said, but had come to believe it was the right one.

The Rev. Joel C. Hunter, the pastor of a conservative megachurch in Florida, is one of the religious leaders President Obama spoke to after announcing his support of gay marriage.

The ministers, though, were not all as enthusiastic. A vocal few made it clear that the president’s stand on gay marriage might make it difficult for them to support his re-election.

“They were wrestling with their ability to get over his theological position,” said the Rev. Delman Coates, the pastor of Mt. Ennon Baptist Church in Clinton, Md., who was on the call.

In the end, Mr. Coates, who supports civil marriages for gay men and lesbians, said that most of the pastors, regardless of their views on this issue, agreed to “work aggressively” on behalf of the president’s campaign. But not everyone. “Gay marriage is contrary to their understanding of Scripture,” Mr. Coates said. “There are people who are really wrestling with this.” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

Well golly. Nobody says you have to agree with The President or the idea of gay marriage or even approve of homosexuality. Although it wouldn’t kill you to find a more substantive argument than the old “scripture” standby. Why can’t people just admit they’re insecure? I mean, that’s really what this is all about.

But, if you think “wrestling” with two men or two women being married is hard, try “wrestling” with continued political marginalization. Because, frankly, that’s where you’re headed. White Christians can afford to be bigoted. They can afford to do and say all those Christiany things that make them sound totally nuts. They can afford to stand up in front of the rest of human civilization and thumb their noses at sanity and reason. There are a hell of a lot more of them and when they walk and talk in unison they get the attention of our elected officials. Sorry guys, but you just don’t have that kind of clout. And frankly, the last thing you need is one more reason for politicians to ignore you.

As an aside, I grew up on the South side of Chicago. I know a thing or two about black churches and people who go to them. One thing I have always admired about them is that they largely keep their views on social issues to themselves. As opposed to white churchgoers who just can’t seem to shut the fuck up. If anything, I see black Christians as a good model of how one keeps their religious views where they belong: in church and in the home. But, lately, I see that changing.

But hey, you know, go with your conscience by all means. Don’t vote for Obama this year. Or don’t vote at all. I’m sure when President Romney is dragging us back to 1950’s America it won’t bother you in the least. You’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you followed your moral compass, even if it helped lead the rest of us off a cliff.

11
May
12

CHRISTIANS ARE ANGRY… OR SOMETHING

I spent four years in a Catholic high school. In my junior year I had an experience that will forever define religion in my eyes. I got into an argument with a girl in my class who was outspokenly conservative on every social issue imaginable. While arguing that she was misreading The Bible and taking it wildly out of context she cut me off in mid-sentence.

“I haven’t read The Bible and I don’t need to.” She said. I marveled at her and replied “Why not?” She sighed, and smiled at me with her crazy Jesus eyes blazing away. “Because, if I have to read the Bible then I’m telling God I don’t trust him”.

Needless to say the argument was over. There was no point in continuing even acknowledging this person or her views. In many respects she ceased to exist as far as I was concerned. Unfortunately, millions of people like her do exist. And man are they pissed off.

“Franklin Graham — son and legatee of Billy Graham, the traditional spiritual advisor to the nation’s presidents — is lashing out at President Obama for his support of gay marriage, saying that Obama has “shaken his fist” at God, and lamenting “a sad day for America.”

Graham, the president and chief executive of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Assn., criticized the president in a statement Thursday, a day after the president told ABC News that his personal belief was that “same-sex couples should be able to get married.”

Graham’s three-paragraph statement, released on the association’s website, noted that voters in his home state of North Carolina had approved a constitutional amendment that allows only heterosexual marriage. Overall, 38 states have adopted some kind of prohibition on gay marriage, and the president said that the states should be able to determine whether to accept homosexual unions.” – THE LOS ANGELES TIMES

So yeah, Christians in America are upset. Again. I forget what it was last week. Probably Iran or women’s suffrage or something. I don’t know. It’s gotten to the point where Christian Conservative America has become this kind of sad spectacle. It used to be funny, watching them get all bent out of shape over condoms and evolution. It used to be kind of cute how they would teach their kids that the earth is only 10,000 years old and that dinosaur bones were put here to test their faith. And it was downright adorable when they would protest military funerals and burn Korans.

But now I look at these people and I find myself depressed over what I’m assuming is the sad state of education and literacy in this country. And mental health. And, judging from the looker in that picture, access to adequate optometric services. Fox News and The 700 Club have produced a generation of Americans so totally dysfunctional and retarded that the rest of society is increasingly hard-pressed to find a place for them. But the problem doesn’t end there.

“The institution of marriage should not be defined by presidents or polls, governors or the media,” Graham continued. “The definition was set long ago and changing legislation or policy will never change God’s definition. This is a sad day for America. God help us.”

Yeah, you know, the last thing you want in a democracy are elected officials and public opinion deciding things. And therein lies the real problem. Gay marriage, birth control, abortion- this is all just window dressing. They are issues kept alive mainly to give the crazy and the stupid something concrete to coalesce around. Less obvious but infinitely more insidious is the Christian view (mirrored in many Muslim countries) that democracy is in direct conflict with god’s will. Sure, when things go their way Christians tolerate it. But, when sanity and reason prevail in an election they start bombing federal buildings and sniping doctors. And I fear that the more time and effort we put into these various social issues, the less we’ll be able to notice and stop the corrosive effect of organized religion on human civilization.

There are basically two kinds of people in the world. First, there are those of us who are capable of thinking and making decisions for ourselves. We have the ability to form our own ideas and look objectively at the world around us. Our minds are, for lack of a better word, free.

Then there are those who need to be told what to think and what to believe. To them, the world is a strange and scary place and without guidance they are helpless. They are easily manipulated by spooky symbolism and bogus moral platitudes. Their entire worldview has been shaped by mythology and superstition. And they are completely and pants-wettingly terrified of the rest of us. And at its core, fear is what religion is really all about.

Finally, you might think it’s a little unfair of me to use this picture when talking about angry Christians. Well, he looks angry to me. And it’s probably a safe bet he’s into Jesus in a big way. So fuck you.

09
May
12

NEWTON LEROY GINGRICH WILL NOT BE PRESIDENT :(

I remember when the Democratic primary of 2008 was the top story. When Obama finally bested Hillary Clinton it was like the climax of the World Series. There was a rush of energy along with that excitement of knowing we now had a candidate to put up against George, um, John McCain. And to be honest I think most of us would have been happy with either candidate. And when I say “us” I’m pretty unapologetically talking about Democrats, liberals and progressives.

By contrast, the conclusion of this year’s Republican Primary was about as climactic as an orgasm on quaaludes. In fact people largely stopped paying attention several months ago when it became clear that Mitt Romney! was going to win through process of financial attrition. But, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone actually excited about the Mormon equivalent of a lounge singer. But, hey, he’s not black and he’s rich so he kind of hits all the conservative demos.

This complete lack of enthusiasm for Mitt Romney! I think stems from the realization among conservatives that their best shot is still a pretty shitty one. Sure, Romney is slick. Kind of. But he’s shallow and empty. Behind those eyes and ludicrous hair there really is nothing there. No personality. No ideas. No internal monologue. He won because Republicans saw him as most electable but that’s not saying much when you look at the irradiated batch of genetic rejects he was running against. Or the diaper-wearing busloads of savants who showed up to the debates. Or the mentally unstable automatons at Fox News who have been trying ever so hard to drum up excitement for the guy. And my redneck neighbor who still doesn’t even know what a “Mormon” is but by golly he’s gonna’ get that colored man outta’ his White House.

And that brings me back to Newton Leroy. He was, I believe, their only hope. Why? Believe me it’s not because of any fondness for the guy. I don’t really have all that much respect for him either. And I’m not incredibly blown away by his ideas. Or his appearance. Oh, and his wife is some kind of bird creature from the mountains and actually kind of frightens me. And while it’s cool that a guy only slightly less attractive than my own penis gets all kinds of ass (like Justin Bieber ass, seriously) it’s just kind of odd that he would, you know, be a Republican.

Still, Ging-Rich had the best sanity mask of all the Republican hopefuls. What’s more, he has shown throughout his career that you can reach the top levels of power without having a shred of charisma or even vaguely human traits. Next to Obama he would sound as interesting as a child farting but he would have given the President the biggest run for his money. I think for all his many flaws the Newton Bomb knows a thing or two about commanding a podium during a debate.

But, we’ll never know. The Gingrimeister will probably now begin his slow fade into obscurity while Mitt Romney! plays foil to Obama. And that’s why people stopped paying attention you see. If there’s one thing I learned from being a writer all these years it’s that a good story needs a great villain to keep people interested.

08
May
12

VLADIMIR PUTIN DOES NOT FEEL PITY OR REMORSE

I was watching the original TERMINATOR the other night and when it came time for my favorite scene I found myself thinking of old P-Vlad up there. Future guerilla Kyle Reese is trying to explain to a young and rather fertile Sarah Connor exactly what a “terminator” is and says “That terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!” Why did that make me think of Putin? Fuck if I know. I’m not a goddamn psychiatrist.

Putin was once again inaugurated as Russia’s President on Monday, a post he held prior to his four years as Prime Minister. It has been a highly controversial election fraught with charges of corruption and fraud as well as spectacular protests against the 59-year-old former KGB agent. Interestingly, none of the Russian news sources I went to were even running it as a story yesterday except for the occasional photo piece. Nobody seemed particularly excited or concerned. Not even the Putinator himself as his HAL-9000-esque delivery demonstrated.

“Mr Putin took the presidential oath at the Grand Kremlin Palace, in a hall that was once the throne room of the Russian tsars.

In a short speech he said Russia was “entering a new phase of national development”.

“We will have to decide tasks of a new level, a new quality and scale. The coming years will be decisive for Russia’s fate for decades to come.”

He said Mr Medvedev had given a new impulse to modernisation, and the “transformation” of Russia must continue.

He also spoke of the need to strengthen Russian democracy and constitutional rights.

“I consider it to be the meaning of my whole life and my obligation to serve my fatherland and our people,” Mr Putin said.

“We will achieve our goals if we are a single, united people – if we hold our fatherland dear, strengthen Russian democracy, constitutional rights and freedoms.”

The Kremlin audience included former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, the widow of Russia’s first president, Naina Yeltsin, and the four losing presidential candidates.”  – BBC NEWS

Forgetting for a moment how unnerving it is to hear words like “our fatherland” and “national development” and “decisive” used in the guy’s speech (and it is pretty fucking unnerving) this is a guy who was still ranked as the 4th most powerful man in the world when he wasn’t even the president of his country. Which makes you wonder why he’s even bothering. Then again, Russian politics has always seemed kind of strange to me.

I’m also a little confused as to why the four losing candidates had to show up for this shindig. It’s not like they were ever going to win anyway. Anyone who poses any actual threat to this guy ends up missing. And his relatives end up dead. Then their house burns down. Then their favorite TV show gets cancelled.

Of course P-Vliddy learned the political game of chess from one Boris Yeltsin who didn’t so much play chess as Spin the Bottle. Or was it Quarters? Vodka Pong? Not sure but it most likely involved him getting shitfaced and having people killed. Puss n’ Puts pretty much does his own killing which, I have to say, is pretty impressive. Am I being unfair to the guy? Maybe. But, hey man, when you take pictures like that you’re pretty much asking for it. And if I had a nickel for every time I’ve been forced to say that in court, well, let’s just say I’d have enough money to pay my legal bills.

03
May
12

JOHN EDWARDS IS READY FOR YOU TO STOP HATING HIM NOW

Amidst all the big news right now, like the election and North Korea launching rockets and testing atom bombs, I’ve found myself particularly addicted to the sordid courtroom drama that is the John Edwards campaign finance trial. He’s accused of using campaign funds to cover up a pregnant mistress and there’s apparently a sex tape and all sorts of other shenanigans which took place during his 2004 campaign for the White House. It’s really funny stuff, full of erotic undertones and dirty details. Check this out:

“Christina Reynolds, a former Edwards communications adviser and friend of his wife, told of the couple’s confrontation a day after a supermarket tabloid published an article about his affair…

…Ms Reynolds, 37, said the row happened at Raleigh-Durham International Airport in North Carolina in October 2007.

The court heard that Mrs Edwards stormed off and collapsed outside a private aircraft hangar.

Ms Reynolds said that she, along with another woman, helped Mrs Edwards get to a bathroom and calmed her down, but Mrs Edwards went outside again to find her husband.

Ms Reynolds said Mrs Edwards had screamed: “You don’t see me any more.” Then she took off her shirt and bra, exposing herself to her husband in front of his staff, the court heard.

“He didn’t have much of a reaction,” Ms Reynolds said.

Mrs Edwards had gone through intense treatment for breast cancer before the incident took place. She died in 2010 after a long struggle with the disease.

Ms Reynolds testified that as people rushed to cover Mrs Edwards and get her into a car, she heard Mr Edwards call his wife’s doctor for help.

After that he got on a waiting plane and made a scheduled appearance in South Carolina, she said.” – BBC NEWS

I have to admit I was kind of bummed out by the suddenly depressing turn this thing took. When it was all booty calls and cover-ups it was just good clean fun. And what the fuck is with not having “much of a reaction” to your cancer-stricken wife exposing herself in front of your entire staff? Who are you, Patrick Bateman?

No matter what was going on in our marriage I think I would have a pretty fucking strong reaction to my wife tearing her shirt and bra off in public. I’m not exactly sure what it would be but I’m guessing it would involve either me carrying her off to bed and/or gunning down a bunch of people. I don’t think I could then get all smiley and happy and give a fucking speech somewhere, that’s for sure. But he’s a politician and, even though we may like and champion them sometimes, they’re all like this in the end.

I hope Elizabeth Edwards postponed her trip into the light just so she could spend a few decades haunting this asshole. I hope she wakes him up at odd hours of the night throwing pots and pans around and screaming “Can you see me now? Huh? You see me now you piece of shit!”

And I can only imagine what life for this poor child is going to be like. I’m sure he won’t face any social persecution being “that other Edwards kid”. Maybe he’ll grow up one day to form some kind of goth metal supergroup along with Mel Gibson’s latest kid and the boy Schwarzenegger had with his maid.

Of course a few decades may mean nothing to a man who quite possibly might be a vampire. I’ve never been able to explain Edward’s almost Dorian Gray-like appearance. My own, on the other hand, is a simple combination of drinking a lot and telling myself that I’m only as old as I feel.