03
May
12

JOHN EDWARDS IS READY FOR YOU TO STOP HATING HIM NOW

Amidst all the big news right now, like the election and North Korea launching rockets and testing atom bombs, I’ve found myself particularly addicted to the sordid courtroom drama that is the John Edwards campaign finance trial. He’s accused of using campaign funds to cover up a pregnant mistress and there’s apparently a sex tape and all sorts of other shenanigans which took place during his 2004 campaign for the White House. It’s really funny stuff, full of erotic undertones and dirty details. Check this out:

“Christina Reynolds, a former Edwards communications adviser and friend of his wife, told of the couple’s confrontation a day after a supermarket tabloid published an article about his affair…

…Ms Reynolds, 37, said the row happened at Raleigh-Durham International Airport in North Carolina in October 2007.

The court heard that Mrs Edwards stormed off and collapsed outside a private aircraft hangar.

Ms Reynolds said that she, along with another woman, helped Mrs Edwards get to a bathroom and calmed her down, but Mrs Edwards went outside again to find her husband.

Ms Reynolds said Mrs Edwards had screamed: “You don’t see me any more.” Then she took off her shirt and bra, exposing herself to her husband in front of his staff, the court heard.

“He didn’t have much of a reaction,” Ms Reynolds said.

Mrs Edwards had gone through intense treatment for breast cancer before the incident took place. She died in 2010 after a long struggle with the disease.

Ms Reynolds testified that as people rushed to cover Mrs Edwards and get her into a car, she heard Mr Edwards call his wife’s doctor for help.

After that he got on a waiting plane and made a scheduled appearance in South Carolina, she said.” – BBC NEWS

I have to admit I was kind of bummed out by the suddenly depressing turn this thing took. When it was all booty calls and cover-ups it was just good clean fun. And what the fuck is with not having “much of a reaction” to your cancer-stricken wife exposing herself in front of your entire staff? Who are you, Patrick Bateman?

No matter what was going on in our marriage I think I would have a pretty fucking strong reaction to my wife tearing her shirt and bra off in public. I’m not exactly sure what it would be but I’m guessing it would involve either me carrying her off to bed and/or gunning down a bunch of people. I don’t think I could then get all smiley and happy and give a fucking speech somewhere, that’s for sure. But he’s a politician and, even though we may like and champion them sometimes, they’re all like this in the end.

I hope Elizabeth Edwards postponed her trip into the light just so she could spend a few decades haunting this asshole. I hope she wakes him up at odd hours of the night throwing pots and pans around and screaming “Can you see me now? Huh? You see me now you piece of shit!”

And I can only imagine what life for this poor child is going to be like. I’m sure he won’t face any social persecution being “that other Edwards kid”. Maybe he’ll grow up one day to form some kind of goth metal supergroup along with Mel Gibson’s latest kid and the boy Schwarzenegger had with his maid.

Of course a few decades may mean nothing to a man who quite possibly might be a vampire. I’ve never been able to explain Edward’s almost Dorian Gray-like appearance. My own, on the other hand, is a simple combination of drinking a lot and telling myself that I’m only as old as I feel.

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2 Responses to “JOHN EDWARDS IS READY FOR YOU TO STOP HATING HIM NOW”


  1. May 3, 2012 at 10:07 AM

    Shit is beyond vile. The people–Newt, John–weak little men. Empty, selfish pricks who are really no better, emotionally speaking, than a 13 year old. In fact, one could easily argue that most 13 year old boys have more maturity and restraint. A lot more.


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