09
May
12

NEWTON LEROY GINGRICH WILL NOT BE PRESIDENT :(

I remember when the Democratic primary of 2008 was the top story. When Obama finally bested Hillary Clinton it was like the climax of the World Series. There was a rush of energy along with that excitement of knowing we now had a candidate to put up against George, um, John McCain. And to be honest I think most of us would have been happy with either candidate. And when I say “us” I’m pretty unapologetically talking about Democrats, liberals and progressives.

By contrast, the conclusion of this year’s Republican Primary was about as climactic as an orgasm on quaaludes. In fact people largely stopped paying attention several months ago when it became clear that Mitt Romney! was going to win through process of financial attrition. But, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone actually excited about the Mormon equivalent of a lounge singer. But, hey, he’s not black and he’s rich so he kind of hits all the conservative demos.

This complete lack of enthusiasm for Mitt Romney! I think stems from the realization among conservatives that their best shot is still a pretty shitty one. Sure, Romney is slick. Kind of. But he’s shallow and empty. Behind those eyes and ludicrous hair there really is nothing there. No personality. No ideas. No internal monologue. He won because Republicans saw him as most electable but that’s not saying much when you look at the irradiated batch of genetic rejects he was running against. Or the diaper-wearing busloads of savants who showed up to the debates. Or the mentally unstable automatons at Fox News who have been trying ever so hard to drum up excitement for the guy. And my redneck neighbor who still doesn’t even know what a “Mormon” is but by golly he’s gonna’ get that colored man outta’ his White House.

And that brings me back to Newton Leroy. He was, I believe, their only hope. Why? Believe me it’s not because of any fondness for the guy. I don’t really have all that much respect for him either. And I’m not incredibly blown away by his ideas. Or his appearance. Oh, and his wife is some kind of bird creature from the mountains and actually kind of frightens me. And while it’s cool that a guy only slightly less attractive than my own penis gets all kinds of ass (like Justin Bieber ass, seriously) it’s just kind of odd that he would, you know, be a Republican.

Still, Ging-Rich had the best sanity mask of all the Republican hopefuls. What’s more, he has shown throughout his career that you can reach the top levels of power without having a shred of charisma or even vaguely human traits. Next to Obama he would sound as interesting as a child farting but he would have given the President the biggest run for his money. I think for all his many flaws the Newton Bomb knows a thing or two about commanding a podium during a debate.

But, we’ll never know. The Gingrimeister will probably now begin his slow fade into obscurity while Mitt Romney! plays foil to Obama. And that’s why people stopped paying attention you see. If there’s one thing I learned from being a writer all these years it’s that a good story needs a great villain to keep people interested.

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