So I’m sure you’re looking at this and thinking “come on, dude, again with the Christians?” Hell, that’s what I said this morning when I chose this as my subject matter. This time, however, it has nothing to do with gay marriage and everything to do with the fact that I love being a jerk. And let’s be honest, you love it when I’m a jerk too. And who, you may ask, is the creepy guy in the crappy picture up there? That’s Pastor Charles O’Neal of the Beaverton Grace Bible Church. Who, you may ask, are they? Oh, you don’t really care? Well, in all honesty I don’t either. But, it’s a slow news day.

“An Oregon mother of seven is being sued for defamation by her former church over critical comments she made online.

Julie Anne Smith, a stay-at-home mom who home-schools her children, said church members began shunning her and her family after they left Beaverton Grace Bible Church almost four years ago.

She took to the Web in October 2009 to air her concerns about the church’s practices on Google reviews, but said her comments kept being pushed down by other church members’ more recent reviews. So in February of this year, Smith launched a blog called Beaverton Grace Bible Church Survivors to counteract what she called the “cat and mouse game” on Google.

“My primary issue was to discuss spiritual abuse in the church,” Smith told msnbc.com. “In essence, the legal suit is [O’Neal’s] attempt of continuing that spiritual abuse.”

But days after Smith launched her blog, pastor Charles O’Neal filed a $500,000 lawsuit against Smith, her daughter and three other former church members, claiming some of the comments posted online amounted to defamation. O’Neal has been the pastor of the church for 13 years…

… “When you’re in a cult or a spiritually abusive place, your brain takes a while to process, to uncover all of that stuff that was going on, so I was kinda stewing,” she said. “Things were coming clear to me.” – MSNBC

This is just the kind of thing that gets my fingers all excited to do some typing. But, this was just one woman’s opinion. So I cruised by the church’s website to get a better sense of who these people are. It looks pretty run-of-the-mill I suppose. Giant crucifixes, obscure Bible quotes and lots of people with the CJE’s (Crazy Jesus Eyes). Then I saw this section in their mission statement:

“Our church is a God glorifying; Christ centered; expository Bible preaching; public and house to house Gospel proclaiming; sovereign grace celebrating; loving; praying; family oriented; imperfect expression of genuine New Testament Christianity.”

So basically, yeah, it’s a cult. The “house to house Gospel proclaiming” part kind of gives it away. Basically, this means they bother you at home just like Jehovah’s Scientists or Mormonologists or… whatever. Seriously, man, I can’t keep track of all these crazy people. But, hey, at least they graduated from “freeway off-ramp to freeway off- ramp” or “busy intersection” Gospel proclaiming. The American Dream in action I suppose.

So, Miss Smith, you can take today off from exposing the stench of evil coming from the church you once attended. Leave that to me. I am staunchly anti-stench. I do this for a living. Well, I do this. Let’s put it that way. And the last time I did this I ended up really pissing off the government of Thailand. But, it was for a good cause (FREE JOE GORDON!!!) as is this. At any rate I am taking to Facebook and Twitter today (as well as my own site) to express my opinions about the Beaverton Grace Bible Church and Pastor Charles “I want to see you drive away in this used car” O’Neal. Or maybe they’re not opinions. Maybe they’re facts. Who’s to say? It’s the mystery of not really knowing for sure that makes this so exciting!

Beaverton Grace Bible Church: turning little girls into emotionally scarred, slightly older girls.

Beaverton Grace Bible Church: proudly producing the best serial killers in Oregon.

Beaverton Grace Bible Church: when dysfunction at home just isn’t enough.

Beaverton Grace Bible Church: when free will is just too damn expensive.

Pastor Charles O’Neal doesn’t just fight injustice, he robs it of its youthful innocence.

Beaverton Grace Bible Church  is where all the gay goes when it gets prayed away.

Pastor Charles O’Neal was the original inspiration for Ewan McGregor’s character in THE VELVET UNDERGROUND.

When confronted by natural predators, members of the Beaverton Grace Bible Church will use a hierarchy of crippled, impaired and interracial children to shield themselves.

In Aramaic, “Charles O’Neal” means “Master of the Anus, Gripper of Roman Penises”.

Every time a bell rings a member of the Beaverton Grace Bible Church is allowed within 500 feet of a school again.



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