Archive for June, 2012



Being a stay-at-home dad for two boys (who can both pretty much walk and swear now) who also works nights and weekends doesn’t leave a lot of time for blogging. Or, you know, whatever the hell it is you call this. Magnus Greel, however, is never far from my mind. There’s just something inherent that drives me to make bizarre political observations and dick jokes.

I can’t go very long without letting him out of his cage for fear that, one day, he’ll break out. And I knew I was going to have to say something about the ruling on Obamacare handed down by the Supreme Court this week. So before I head off to the salt mines (seriously, that’s where I work) I’m going to write a little about politics. And my cock.

“In a 5-4 ruling, the court decided the individual mandate requiring people to have health insurance was valid as a tax, even though it was impermissible under the Constitution’s Commerce Clause.

The most anticipated Supreme Court ruling in years allows the government to continue implementing the health care law, which doesn’t take full effect until 2014. That means popular provisions that prohibit insurers from denying coverage for pre-existing medical conditions and allow parents to keep their children on family policies to the age of 26 will continue.

However, Republican opponents of the law’s expansion of government vowed to continue fighting to repeal it, with certain presidential nominee Mitt Romney saying that defeating Obama in November is the only way to meet that goal.” – CNN

You can read the entire bill here. I have. And right off the bat I found myself wondering about the mentality of people who would so vehemently oppose something called the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act”. What’s more they’ve made “repealing and replacing” it the centerpiece of their campaign. What in the hell are you going to replace it with? The “Fuck Patients and Unaffordable Care Act”? What exactly is the opposite of helping everyone get the healthcare they need without going broke? Somebody explain it to me, seriously.

Of course the reason nobody ever does is because there is nothing to explain. There is no alternative plan or argument. I think you just have to break it down to see who profits from keeping things the way they are. That would be your insurance company. And their business model is strikingly simple: they charge you money every month and then do everything they possibly can to avoid covering your medical costs. That’s fucking ingenious.

Conservatives are out in force now screaming about the government mandating people buy health insurance. Yet, aren’t these the same people who literally cheered at the prospect of someone without health insurance being left to die? If you’re so pissed off about people not having insurance then wouldn’t you want to mandate that they get it? I suppose if George Bush had done this you would have all patted him on the back and grabbed his dick for him (sorry, I really can’t help it).

And in the end, the fucking insurance companies still get your money. So to be honest I really don’t see what they’re all upset about. Forcing people to buy your product is like a capitalist’s dream. But, hey, I’m nothing if not cynical and twisted. I have a feeling that one day soon terms like “insurance” and “healthcare” will be used to describe society before it fell apart and we started using terms like “fiefdom” and “dark magic”.



I have to admit that I have always had a fondness for Hosni Mubarak. In the pantheon of aged, power-crazed old men he still managed to retain a kind of grandfatherly demeanor that made you feel like everything was going to be okay. It was like he would sit down with you and tell you a joke before having you tortured and killed.

“Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has been moved from prison to an army hospital in the capital, Cairo, where he remains in a critical condition.

He is said to have had a series of strokes and to be on a life support machine. Reports that he was “clinically dead” were later denied. But there is no official statement.

The reports come amid protests over disputed presidential election results and new powers for the military.

Mubarak, 84, was ousted last year.

On 2 June, he was jailed for life for his role in the deaths of protesters.” – BBC NEWS

You’d think the people in Egypt would just be happy to have gotten rid of the guy. I mean, we are talking about a near-dictator who had some of the highest levels of Western support in the world and ruled for almost four decades. But no, they have to go and throw his aged dying ass in jail for the rest of his life. What’s left of it. And now how much do you think it’s costing them to keep this asshole alive?

I’m not saying ignore the dead protesters. Pragmatically speaking, though, you guys got off easy compared to other civilian uprisings against entrenched regimes. The guy could have really gotten all Tiananmen Square on you and gone down fighting. Instead he just went away. And yet they just can’t seem to leave the old man alone:

“Through the night, supporters and opponents gathered outside the Maadi military hospital, where the former president is being treated.

One woman, a supporter, was almost shaking with emotion and saying “I love him”.

Another supporter, a man, stood holding a poster of Mubarak. “He is my father. I love him more than my father. The Muslim Brotherhood are criminals. They have destroyed our country. Mubarak kept us in peace for 30 years,” he said.

A group of anti-Mubarak young men responded by shouting: “We are poor, and he did nothing for us. His family ate meat and we were starving.”

“I’m ready to hammer his grave with my shoe,” another protester added.”

Firstly, that’s pretty hardcore that you would hammer a guy’s grave with your fucking shoe. But, it’s not like Mubarak knows who you are let alone would give a damn that you’re assaulting his grave with footwear after he’s dead. As for the hysterical dingbat, well, if you really loved him you’d give him a kidney or kill in his name or something. I think it’s less likely that you actually love him and more probable that you’re a sad, lonely old drunk of a woman with a crush on Hosni Mubarak. Which is pretty weird and kind of disgusting but probably downright saintlike compared to some of the things I’m into.

Yeah, I know, that’s pretty cynical. Then again I’m not the one swearing vengeance upon a dying old man. If you ask me (and the more you don’t, the more I think you’re actually kind of a bad person) it’s pretty hard to be upbeat when the second highest recipient of American military aid in the world just elected a lunatic as their leader. But, hey, that’s cool. I just elected to get loaded at 7:00 in the morning.



Obama’s been having a rough week or two. It’s inevitable during an election year and I’m sure he’s got a few more bad weeks coming his way between now and November. And he’ll have some good ones too. Today he’s scheduled to give a major economic address in Ohio which has been given increased scrutiny after the political black eye he suffered.

I just want to see the guy come out swinging. Soaring rhetoric is awesome and the guy is a master orator. But I want to know the man I’m voting for in November is going to stand up for himself and not take anymore of this crap. So for what it’s worth here’s what I would love to hear him say today even though if he actually said it I would think he was certifiable.

“My fellow Americans and the people of Ohio,

Our economic problems are simple. We don’t have enough money to continue living the way we have been. If we don’t make some changes then soon we will go broke. Like, for real. Yes, there’s a lot of shit the government needs to stop wasting money on. But at the same time we need to take in more revenue which means taxing people accordingly. There. Done. That’s my address. That’s the problem and there’s the solution. I’d challenge Congress to act on this but that’s like trying to get a blowjob from the wife.

Now, I got everyone’s panties in a twist the other day when I said the private sector was doing “fine”. Many said that showed I was out of touch. Never mind that my words were taken out of context or that the actual point I was making was backed up by statistical fact. I’ll take that little love tap on the chin. Why don’t those of you lucky enough to have jobs ask yourself this question: how’s your boss doing? The answer is probably fine. In fact he or she probably just got a raise. But you? Well, I hate to break this to the American worker but you’re not considered “the private sector”. Until you own a bank or a corporation you’re just another asshole who can’t even get your member of Congress on the phone.

Which brings me to my next point. The small business owner is suffering under the illusion that because they own a bowling alley or a T-shirt shop they have something in common with my opponent, Mitt Romney. Mittens. How many of you small business owners have a fucking elevator in your garage? For that matter, how many of you even own more than one car? How many owners of NASCAR teams do you have on your speed dial? Probably about as many as I do. None.

Now, I’d love to just blame Bush. They just took a poll this week that says most of you still do. And there are days when I sit and look at the sheer totality of the bowel movement that backwoods retard took on our country and I get all riled up. Seriously, I start throwin’ punches at the wall and shit. He was at the White House the other day for his portrait unveiling and I said a few kind and respectful words. But deep down I wanted chin check that motherfucker right in front of his old man.

See, it’s not that the wealthy are bad people. They’re just not like you and me. They don’t live in the same reality that we do. Mr. Romney can prance around wearing all the fucking blue jeans and drinking all the PBR he wants. He’s a rich guy. Plain and simple. And that’s actually his main argument: that his good fortunes and obscene wealth make him most qualified to be President.

Personally, I don’t see how one more rich guy in charge is going to change anything. We had the Bushes, they’re fucking loaded. Reagan was no lightweight and Ford and Nixon weren’t exactly Marxists either. And what happened? Nothing. Not a damn thing. You know what will happen if you elect Mitt Romney President? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Sure, you might have a few more jobs. It’s called “Rick Perry Capitalism” which means even though you have a college degree the best you can ever hope for is being the guy with the headset and clipboard at fucking Wendy’s.

Well, that’s not the America I want to live in. To me, this country is something far greater than a giant piece of real estate to be bought and sold along with the dreams of its people. We are the light in a very, very dark world. A world which has no money left in it because like eight people have it all. And right now they’re all at Mr. Romney’s speech in Cincinnati.

So yeah, I took some lickin’ but I keep on tickin’ because my wallet is the one that says “Badass Motherfucker” on it. I haven’t come this far just to let some magic underwear donning daddy’s boy take me down. I ain’t goin’ out like that. And I’m not about to let him buy this country like he’s bought everything else. Thank you, and good day.”



Every four years the big story in America is the undecided voter on whom most elections tilt. And while that pool gets smaller every year they do, nonetheless, still represent the deciding factor. Virtually all campaign advertising is aimed at this small group of people.

What really frightens me about this is the fact that in order to be undecided, in this day and age, means that you probably aren’t qualified to be making decisions for the rest of us. And that’s basically what you’re doing. Do I sound elitist? Good. Because I’m trying to. If being informed and passionate about something makes me a snob then so be it. It’s better than being a fucking jackass.

I find the idea of someone being undecided about politics baffling. What exactly is it that you don’t understand? How fucking hard can it be to choose a side? It was with this in mind that I stayed up very late tonight and attempted to get my head around what those of you who just can’t make up your minds are going through. So, what follows is the train of thought that I’m guessing the undecided goes through when trying to figure out who to vote for in a Presidential election.

“So it’s almost election time here in America. Looks like that Mitt Romney guy is going to be running against Obama. Boy, I tell you, everyone is all up in arms about things. The Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street and… that guy on the TV who reads the news. Everyone keeps asking me who I’m going to vote for and I have to be honest: I just don’t know.

I mean, I’m glad that Obama killed Bin Laden but I just think he never should have invaded Afghanistan in the first place. Besides we killed Saddam already and he was behind 9-11. At least that’s what my neighbor Eddie says and he was in Vietnam so I guess he would know. Eddie also says that Obama is a Muslim “sleeper” agent but every time I see him on TV he looks awake to me. I’m just not sure what he’s talking about.

I’m not a racist, but I worry sometimes that, you know, a black man just doesn’t understand us normal Americans. And I’m kind of uncomfortable with how cool my kids think he is. I just don’t understand why they can’t find a nice, you know, white person to idolize. Like a country musician or a NASCAR driver or something. What’s wrong with that? I’m not a racist. I’m a good person.

Granted, Romney is a Mormon and they believe in aliens or something but I’m sure he’s a decent man. He made lots of money and you don’t do that by being bad. You do it by working hard. I mean, I work pretty damn hard myself and I’m broke and in debt. But, I think that’s because the government is too involved in things. Or it’s got something to do with Europe helping Iran get a nuclear bomb. And it really scares me to think that one day we might not be the only country with nuclear weapons.

Look, I like Obama. He has a nice smile and he made me laugh when he was on THE VIEW that one time. But, everyone keeps saying he’s a socialist and that’s something Hitler did I think. And that’s bad because Hitler started The Cold War and all those Bosnians died. My sister Eunice says he wants to let all the Mexicans into our country and, well, I don’t mind telling you that I’m not very happy about that. I’m not a racist but those people already have their own country and I’m sure I don’t know what they want with ours. But, then my cousin Don tells me about all these terrible things Romney want to do to women. Of course Don is gay and that’s gross so I’m not sure if he knows what he’s talking about.

My pastor at church says Obama is trying to destroy freedom of religion because he’s making everyone use condoms. But, I already use condoms even though my pastor says not to. But, I don’t like people telling me what to do. I don’t like the idea of elected officials making, you know, decisions and stuff. That’s what the Civil War was all about and I should know because I just saw JOHN CARTER and that was about a guy from the Civil War.

Gosh, why does everything have to be so hard? I think the best thing for me is to just not think about it. I’m sure the right answer will come to me sooner or later. I think I’ll just sit down and watch some sports or some Madmen or something. All this thinking is just making me wish I didn’t have to think anymore. Isn’t that why we elect people to office in the first place? So the rest of us can just relax and not have to think about anything?

Aw, no way! HOME IMPROVEMENT is on Netflix. Tim Allen is funny.”