Every four years the big story in America is the undecided voter on whom most elections tilt. And while that pool gets smaller every year they do, nonetheless, still represent the deciding factor. Virtually all campaign advertising is aimed at this small group of people.

What really frightens me about this is the fact that in order to be undecided, in this day and age, means that you probably aren’t qualified to be making decisions for the rest of us. And that’s basically what you’re doing. Do I sound elitist? Good. Because I’m trying to. If being informed and passionate about something makes me a snob then so be it. It’s better than being a fucking jackass.

I find the idea of someone being undecided about politics baffling. What exactly is it that you don’t understand? How fucking hard can it be to choose a side? It was with this in mind that I stayed up very late tonight and attempted to get my head around what those of you who just can’t make up your minds are going through. So, what follows is the train of thought that I’m guessing the undecided goes through when trying to figure out who to vote for in a Presidential election.

“So it’s almost election time here in America. Looks like that Mitt Romney guy is going to be running against Obama. Boy, I tell you, everyone is all up in arms about things. The Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street and… that guy on the TV who reads the news. Everyone keeps asking me who I’m going to vote for and I have to be honest: I just don’t know.

I mean, I’m glad that Obama killed Bin Laden but I just think he never should have invaded Afghanistan in the first place. Besides we killed Saddam already and he was behind 9-11. At least that’s what my neighbor Eddie says and he was in Vietnam so I guess he would know. Eddie also says that Obama is a Muslim “sleeper” agent but every time I see him on TV he looks awake to me. I’m just not sure what he’s talking about.

I’m not a racist, but I worry sometimes that, you know, a black man just doesn’t understand us normal Americans. And I’m kind of uncomfortable with how cool my kids think he is. I just don’t understand why they can’t find a nice, you know, white person to idolize. Like a country musician or a NASCAR driver or something. What’s wrong with that? I’m not a racist. I’m a good person.

Granted, Romney is a Mormon and they believe in aliens or something but I’m sure he’s a decent man. He made lots of money and you don’t do that by being bad. You do it by working hard. I mean, I work pretty damn hard myself and I’m broke and in debt. But, I think that’s because the government is too involved in things. Or it’s got something to do with Europe helping Iran get a nuclear bomb. And it really scares me to think that one day we might not be the only country with nuclear weapons.

Look, I like Obama. He has a nice smile and he made me laugh when he was on THE VIEW that one time. But, everyone keeps saying he’s a socialist and that’s something Hitler did I think. And that’s bad because Hitler started The Cold War and all those Bosnians died. My sister Eunice says he wants to let all the Mexicans into our country and, well, I don’t mind telling you that I’m not very happy about that. I’m not a racist but those people already have their own country and I’m sure I don’t know what they want with ours. But, then my cousin Don tells me about all these terrible things Romney want to do to women. Of course Don is gay and that’s gross so I’m not sure if he knows what he’s talking about.

My pastor at church says Obama is trying to destroy freedom of religion because he’s making everyone use condoms. But, I already use condoms even though my pastor says not to. But, I don’t like people telling me what to do. I don’t like the idea of elected officials making, you know, decisions and stuff. That’s what the Civil War was all about and I should know because I just saw JOHN CARTER and that was about a guy from the Civil War.

Gosh, why does everything have to be so hard? I think the best thing for me is to just not think about it. I’m sure the right answer will come to me sooner or later. I think I’ll just sit down and watch some sports or some Madmen or something. All this thinking is just making me wish I didn’t have to think anymore. Isn’t that why we elect people to office in the first place? So the rest of us can just relax and not have to think about anything?

Aw, no way! HOME IMPROVEMENT is on Netflix. Tim Allen is funny.”



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