Obama’s been having a rough week or two. It’s inevitable during an election year and I’m sure he’s got a few more bad weeks coming his way between now and November. And he’ll have some good ones too. Today he’s scheduled to give a major economic address in Ohio which has been given increased scrutiny after the political black eye he suffered.

I just want to see the guy come out swinging. Soaring rhetoric is awesome and the guy is a master orator. But I want to know the man I’m voting for in November is going to stand up for himself and not take anymore of this crap. So for what it’s worth here’s what I would love to hear him say today even though if he actually said it I would think he was certifiable.

“My fellow Americans and the people of Ohio,

Our economic problems are simple. We don’t have enough money to continue living the way we have been. If we don’t make some changes then soon we will go broke. Like, for real. Yes, there’s a lot of shit the government needs to stop wasting money on. But at the same time we need to take in more revenue which means taxing people accordingly. There. Done. That’s my address. That’s the problem and there’s the solution. I’d challenge Congress to act on this but that’s like trying to get a blowjob from the wife.

Now, I got everyone’s panties in a twist the other day when I said the private sector was doing “fine”. Many said that showed I was out of touch. Never mind that my words were taken out of context or that the actual point I was making was backed up by statistical fact. I’ll take that little love tap on the chin. Why don’t those of you lucky enough to have jobs ask yourself this question: how’s your boss doing? The answer is probably fine. In fact he or she probably just got a raise. But you? Well, I hate to break this to the American worker but you’re not considered “the private sector”. Until you own a bank or a corporation you’re just another asshole who can’t even get your member of Congress on the phone.

Which brings me to my next point. The small business owner is suffering under the illusion that because they own a bowling alley or a T-shirt shop they have something in common with my opponent, Mitt Romney. Mittens. How many of you small business owners have a fucking elevator in your garage? For that matter, how many of you even own more than one car? How many owners of NASCAR teams do you have on your speed dial? Probably about as many as I do. None.

Now, I’d love to just blame Bush. They just took a poll this week that says most of you still do. And there are days when I sit and look at the sheer totality of the bowel movement that backwoods retard took on our country and I get all riled up. Seriously, I start throwin’ punches at the wall and shit. He was at the White House the other day for his portrait unveiling and I said a few kind and respectful words. But deep down I wanted chin check that motherfucker right in front of his old man.

See, it’s not that the wealthy are bad people. They’re just not like you and me. They don’t live in the same reality that we do. Mr. Romney can prance around wearing all the fucking blue jeans and drinking all the PBR he wants. He’s a rich guy. Plain and simple. And that’s actually his main argument: that his good fortunes and obscene wealth make him most qualified to be President.

Personally, I don’t see how one more rich guy in charge is going to change anything. We had the Bushes, they’re fucking loaded. Reagan was no lightweight and Ford and Nixon weren’t exactly Marxists either. And what happened? Nothing. Not a damn thing. You know what will happen if you elect Mitt Romney President? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Sure, you might have a few more jobs. It’s called “Rick Perry Capitalism” which means even though you have a college degree the best you can ever hope for is being the guy with the headset and clipboard at fucking Wendy’s.

Well, that’s not the America I want to live in. To me, this country is something far greater than a giant piece of real estate to be bought and sold along with the dreams of its people. We are the light in a very, very dark world. A world which has no money left in it because like eight people have it all. And right now they’re all at Mr. Romney’s speech in Cincinnati.

So yeah, I took some lickin’ but I keep on tickin’ because my wallet is the one that says “Badass Motherfucker” on it. I haven’t come this far just to let some magic underwear donning daddy’s boy take me down. I ain’t goin’ out like that. And I’m not about to let him buy this country like he’s bought everything else. Thank you, and good day.”



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