I mentioned in a post the other day that there are only ten people I truly hate. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is not one of them. I’m not even sure he’s a runner-up or an alternate in case one of them dies. To be honest, the worst I would ever want to do to this guy is follow him around all day playing a tuba. Beyond that I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about him or the people in his line of work.

“The 76-year-old justice talked Wednesday with CNN’s “Piers Morgan Tonight,” discussing a range of judicial topics — from the death penalty to abortion rights and the Bush v. Gore decision.

Scalia, along with Bryan Garner, is co-author of a new book, “Reading Law: The Interpretation of Legal Texts.” The men describe their legal philosophy, and how to make sense of the law and the U.S. Constitution. They call their approach “textualism.” – CNN

Yeah, I’ve already stopped paying attention too. I have no idea what any of this means. Legalese, like businessbabble, is meant more to confuse and mislead the rest of us than anything else.

“In his book, Justice Scalia wrote that his fidelity to neutral legal principles had led him to take positions at odds with his personal beliefs. Among those positions, he wrote, were opinions favoring criminal defendants at trials and in sentencing proceedings, plaintiffs seeking punitive damages and people prosecuted for burning the American flag.

In the interview, he elaborated. “If I were king, I would not allow people to go about burning the American flag,” he said. “However, we have a First Amendment which says that the right of free speech shall not be abridged. And it is addressed, in particular, to speech critical of the government.” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

As a Supreme Court Justice you pretty much get handed a lifetime spot at the helm of one our three branches of government. And while the reasoning is pretty sound, that at least one branch should not be directly subject to the winds of politics, I think this whole thing has gone to his head like food coma after some of his momma’s lasagna.

SCOTUS is still a public institution and you are still a public servant, dipshit. Not a king. Not a lord. Not a Don. Hell, you’re not even an elected official. You’re a judge which means you are about as out of touch as a fucking satellite on the dark side of the moon. Anyone who has ever had to stand in a courtroom and stare in wonder at the sheer pomposity and utter vacuousness of one will know exactly what I’m talking about.

There’s a reason they prance around in black robes like the guy who operates a guillotine. There’s a reason they sit up high above the rest of us like gargoyles. There’s a reason that a courtroom is obnoxiously decorated (at taxpayer expense, mind you) and guarded by a cop who basically failed at all other forms of duty (seriously, a bailiff is basically someone too inept to be trusted with a squad car).

It’s to scare us. To make us feel as if we are standing before Zeus himself. And we must address judges like Scalia as “Your Honor” because if you could just call him “Anthony Boombatz” or “Big T” the façade would crumble and you’d see him for what he really is: A sad, lonely and not very intelligent 76-year-old boy who has replaced his mother’s nipple with our rights and freedoms.

See, this is why lawyers and businesspeople (and Scalia is both) live in an alternate reality ruled by abstract ideas and needlessly complex theories. It’s so they can appear superior to the rest of us. I mean law is actually pretty simple. You can’t kill anyone unless they’re trying to do the same to you, you can’t take shit that isn’t yours and if it’s not an adult you can’t stick your penis into it. See how easy that really is? Everything and anything else is just redundant. And it certainly doesn’t require writing a book let alone acting like a king.

Now go get your fuckin’ shine box, Tony Bolognas.



  1. July 26, 2012 at 4:09 PM

    You can’t kill anyone unless they’re trying to do the same to you, you can’t take shit that isn’t yours and if it’s not an adult you can’t stick your penis into it. — Perfectly put

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