Archive for August, 2012

24
Aug
12

MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #7: THE DOG WHISPERER

My wife already did a double take on this one. She found it unbelievable that I hate this guy even more than George W Bush and the entire nation of Pakistan. But, I’m nothing if not complicated and mysterious. Which, to be honest, is just code for being incredibly weird and a little peculiar. Shit, I’ve pretty much put my therapist’s kids through college at this point. Nevertheless, coming in at number 7 on my most hated list is a man named Cesar Millan. Also known as THE DOG WHISPERER.

The name DOG WHISPERER of course derives from the Robert Redford film THE HORSE WHISPERER which I didn’t see. And won’t. That, in turn, was adapted from the book THE HORSE WHISPERER which I didn’t read because it’s, you know, completely asinine. I’m fairly convinced that people who talk to animals (and I mean really talk to them) are just one step away from fucking them. Look, I’m sorry you find forming human relationships so difficult. I’m glad you find some companionship in your pet. But, it’s kind of like masturbating. We all need it but if you go too far with it you end up committing a crime. In most states.

My hatred for this asshole is compounded a millionfold by the legions of socially retarded dog worshipping fuckheads he has spawned. Well, socially retarded until they feel the uncontrollable urge to walk up to you in a public place and tell you in no uncertain terms what you are doing wrong with your own dog. Because that’s normal.

“You shouldn’t let her do that. She’ll think she’s a person” is the most common one I hear. My response is usually some variation on this: She’s a fucking dog. I love her to death but I don’t give a flying fuck who or what she thinks she is. Just because she thinks she’s a person doesn’t mean I then have to treat her like one. Unless by some miracle of evolution she starts walking on two legs and speaking English she’s still going to eat dog food and lick her own ass. She’ll still eat the shit from my son’s dirty diaper and drink from the toilet. She’ll still wake up the entire house in the middle of the night barking because a raccoon or a mole farted three blocks away.

Perhaps the most egregious example came when I was living in Los Angeles (seriously, where else would this kind of thing be so epidemic?). A woman came up to me in a grocery store parking lot and proceeded to excoriate me for leaving my dog in the car while shopping. “Was I supposed to bring her in with me? I’m not fucking blind. She doesn’t belong in there.”

Her response was to say that I should have gotten a sitter. Because, you know, that’s gonna’ happen. I can’t afford a sitter for my CHILDREN. I’m not getting one for the fucking dog. To top it all off not 30 feet away was a car in which two small children had clearly been left unattended. But my guess is that this sad woman gave up being human a long time ago. Probably around the same time she put a giant flower on her hat. I guess actual people in distress just don’t register for her.

But back to Cesar. Because of this goiter parasite there are millions of people in this country who will buy sushi for their dogs. And strollers. And diapers. They will actually include DOG TV in their cable packages. And they will happily and obliviously equate having a dog to having a child. Look, man, your dog won’t grow up to be a serial killer or a con artist if you don’t raise it right. These people need help jackass and all you’ve done is shove their damaged personalities even further down the goddamned toilet. Shame on you. I hope your dog bites you and you get rabies.

I know these views are not popular. But, I have never courted popularity. And one day, if there is justice in this world, I’ll get a chance to meet THE DOG WHISPERER in person. And I’ll introduce him to THE FIST WHISPERER and his good friend THE BODY SLAM DELIVERER.

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23
Aug
12

MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #8: PAKISTAN

Ha. Surprised you, didn’t I? You thought this was going to be a list of ten people, right? Well, there are people in Pakistan. And while I’m never comfortable just outright hating an entire nation of people I’m coming to the conclusion that this is a pretty safe exception to make. What’s that? Why not Iran or North Korea? Eh. Those countries are nuisances at best. They are like hemorrhoids or warts that flare up from time to time and make shitting or walking difficult but not impossible.

The relevancy of this subject became very clear to me this morning when, as I sat down to write this post, I was surprised to see two stories about Pakistan that fit perfectly into my narrative. First and foremost I was surprised to see a former Pakistani diplomat to the US say what I said just a little over a year ago:

“The United States and Pakistan should stop pretending they are allies and amicably “divorce,” Pakistan’s former ambassador to Washington said on Wednesday, citing unrealistic expectations in both countries that include U.S. hopes Islamabad will sever its links to extremists.

“If in 65 years, you haven’t been able to find sufficient common ground to live together, and you had three separations and four reaffirmations of marriage, then maybe the better way is to find friendship outside of the marital bond,” Husain Haqqani said, addressing the Center for the National Interest, a Washington think tank.

Haqqani’s recommendation that the United States and Pakistan essentially downgrade their status was based on the premise that it may be the only way to break from what has been a dysfunctional relationship…

…Haqqani, who served as an adviser to four Pakistani prime ministers, identified himself among a small minority who support good relations with the United States but “who do not have the ability to influence the course of policy at home.” – MSNBC

Pakistan has no business whatsoever being a nuclear power. They’re broke. That’s like your unemployed neighbor who is on welfare (and has far too many kids) having a brand new Escalade in the driveway. But, you know, they just had to have their flashy toys. At the expense, I might add, of educating their populace. Or feeding them. Or keeping terrorists and jihadists out of their borders. In actuality, though, America has paid for it. Seriously. We’re just silly that way. Meanwhile my wife and I are struggling to pay off our college loans. Just saying.

But, you know what? Nukes and terrorists aside I think sometimes you need only look at every day events in Pakistan to really get a feel for why we shouldn’t be giving them anything. I decided to look for a story which would give a more personal edge to this piece. Something that would help the average person see how there really is nothing we can do to help this country. Then I saw this chestnut:

“Pakistani police have arrested a mentally disabled 11-year-old girl after a mob accused her of desecrating pages of the Koran. The mob demanded the Christian girl’s arrest and threatened to burn down Christian homes outside the capital Islamabad, local media say.

Officials said the girl could not properly answer police questions. Her parents have been taken into protective custody following threats and other Christian families have fled.

It is thought that the girl has Down’s syndrome…

…Rights activists have urged Pakistan to reform its controversial blasphemy laws, under which a person can be jailed for life for desecrating the Koran. Many of those accused of blasphemy have been killed by violent mobs, while politicians who advocate a change in legislation have also been targeted.” – BBC NEWS

Yeah. I don’t know about you but when I see people trying to lynch a girl with DS because she, uh, mentioned the Koran or something my first instinct is not to write them a check for 7 billion dollars. And it goes without saying that all that economic and military aid is being wasted. As you can see from the picture they can’t even execute someone properly (seriously, dude, a pistol would have sufficed from that range).

Sure, I’m mad that they were harboring Bin Laden. I’m mad that they’re arming and training fanatics (with the very weapons we’ve given them) to send over the border into Afghanistan and kill Americans. I’m mad that they still execute women for learning to read. I’m mad that every time I see a story about Pakistan they’re always burning our flag for some reason. I’m mad that we keep giving them billions and billions of dollars. But…

Shit. I just made my own point. Way to go, me!

22
Aug
12

MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #9: BETTE MIDLER

I’m celebrating two years of Magnus Greel this week. And admittedly I’m having a blast compiling my top ten most hated series. Well, I’m also having a blast walking around naked in a bathrobe and drinking at 9:00 in the morning. But I do that far too often to call it legitimate celebrating. I got some emails from people about my first piece on George W Bush. While they all supported my view that Bush is a horrible human being and was a disaster as President, they urged me to be a little funnier with these. Well, it is hard to be funny about people whose very existences cause ulcers. But, I’ll do my best.

So today we move on to #9: Bette Midler. While I usually stay away from celebrities and the like on this site, it is sometimes just unavoidable. And while this mummified human remain is not in the news for anything at the moment she is nonetheless one of the only ten people I hate.

Granted, I hate musicals so it’s actually quite rare that I have to watch this fucking specimen do her… whatever the hell it is she does. Goddamned leatherfaced harpie. But she’s like some kind of termite or horsefly that gets in the house when you least expect it. She crops up on TV commercials or talk shows and I literally fall to the floor like a witness at the Salem Witch Trials.

My acrimony towards her began when I was younger and was forced to sit through the movie BEACHES with a girl I was dating at the time. Over the course of the film I came to understand that she is without a doubt the most obnoxious and irritating woman I have ever been exposed to. She’s been called “talented” but for the first 90 minutes of the movie I thought they had just cast an actual retard to play a normal person. And for a moment I thought that was so cool. But then I realized that she’s not mentally handicapped. She’s just fucking irritating. To this day I refuse to watch the SEINFELD with her in it because it almost ruined one of my favorite shows. She’s like a rapist’s cock the way she shows up in places she just shouldn’t be.

There’s her voice. It literally makes my brain hurt. I’ve never heard anyone speak through their nose the way she does but it sounds like Fran Drescher being sodomized by Bigfoot. I think if I ever met her in person and she spoke I would probably black out. When I woke up there would just be a headless, armless and legless torso in a pool of blood on the floor. If she has blood.

There’s her face. It looks like it was assembled using various sections of dead hookers. Except for her nose which enters a room several minutes before the rest of her and, believe it not, went to a different college than the rest of her. I think it’s actually a fucking tumor. Whatever. You’re a celebrity, bitch, get some fucking plastic surgery. Then go the hell away. And die.

There’s her political views. Midler is actually quite liberal and does get involved in some political causes which, admittedly, I am supportive of. But she’s a horrible spokesperson for anything. If she did an ad condemning world hunger I think I would probably just set fire to all the food I could get my hands on. Just to be contrary.

There’s my sense of unease at the type of people who become famous. I mean seriously, this country needs better celebrities. If this animated skin suit can be called a one-of-a-kind performer and do movies, TV shows and Broadway then either we as a society are too easily entertained or she has fucked and blown all the right people. Which kind of makes me wonder just how sick and depraved the right people are. I’m hardly all vanilla myself but come on, dude. That just ain’t right.

17
Aug
12

MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #10: GEORGE W BUSH

A couple of weeks ago, during a piece on Bashar Assad I mentioned that I only really hate ten people. Yes, there are plenty of people I don’t like and/or just don’t agree with. But, only ten people can I actually claim to utterly and completely hate. Often to the point of harming my own mental health.

Following that story I got plenty of inquiries from friends and readers wanting to know who else is on this list. And so I thought it would make a funny series to do. So, without further ado, I give you the MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED TOP TEN LIST. Today, we begin with #10: a man named George W. Bush.

To me, Bush was more than just another face in the White House. He was more than just another rich guy using the government to make his friends richer. He was more than just another saber rattling idiot. Guys like Reagan and Bush Sr, well, they were just kind of there. I have no visceral feelings about them one way or the other. My ideological opposition not withstanding, I never found myself hating those guys. The moment they left office they left my mind too. I just don’t think about them. Ever.

Little Bush was different. He was more than just a candidate from the other side. He was more than just another Republican. He was, and is, the physical embodiment of everything that is wrong with America and humanity in general. Deeply religious. Not very bright. Warmongering. Paranoid. Xenophobic. Assumes his ignorance is some kind of purity. Uses words like “capitalism” and “deregulation” and “privatize” but really has no understanding of what those things are. In this sense Bush was perhaps the perfect reflection of the American conservative. It’s why he appealed so strongly to such a swath of American voters. And because he was so perfect a reflection, in the end, it’s why those same people soured on him. Looking in the mirror is extremely hard for some. And little Bush, well, even as he left office he provided himself as one last scapegoat for their own personal failings. How touching.

For eight years he was my personal tormentor. Every fucking word he spoke. Every fucking picture he took. Every fucking person he appointed was a direct attack at both my mind and my passions. It was almost as if the guy went out of his way to defy sanity and reason and decency. I still have a mind to sue the guy for mental duress and damages. That the issue of state-sponsored torture would become so prevalent during this asshole’s administration was the ultimate irony.

I would often stare, totally baffled, at people who seemed unconcerned by him or even liked him. So often the response to my criticisms was “Come on, he’s a good guy.” No. He’s not a good guy. I just couldn’t understand why so many people couldn’t see that he was, in effect, the political equivalent of Ed Gein.

Obviously, to some extent, that was the point. By putting the class clown front-and-center it gave cover to the vile and the reprehensible, the wealthy and the entitled and above all to the bigoted and the superstitious. As we knew all along, they were the ones making the decisions and profiting from it. Bush just gave the orders and signed his name to things. And he laughed about it.

The country, of course, eventually got wise to his act. By the time he left office he had the lowest approval rating of any President in our lifetime. But, for all those people who only came to this conclusion after they elected and then re-elected him to office, well, fuck you. Most of you are lining up now to try and elect a cult leader for President. So you haven’t really learned anything.

11
Aug
12

IT’S PAUL RYAN!

So I totally missed the big announcement about Mitt Romney! finally choosing a running mate. The guy definitely needed to change the subject from, well, himself. And who did he choose? A little boy from Wisconsin named Paul Ryan! Had I the least interest in watching the Olympics I would have been there when they cut away to the Mormonology HQ for the big announcement. But I don’t. So I didn’t. And to be honest when I found out I kind of fell asleep.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what the difference is between Mitt Romney! and Paul Ryan! In fact I’m kind of wondering if they are the same person just, like, separated by a few years of time. Or maybe Mitt Romney! divided like a cell or something. I don’t know. At any rate, Ryan is an odd choice for someone trying to deflect the image of being an out of touch wealthy white man. Because that’s pretty much what Paul Ryan! is.

“In tapping Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan to be his vice presidential running-mate, Mitt Romney has chosen an ambitious, self-described “young gun” who has staked his entire career on a single issue — slashing the federal budget.

Ryan, 42, has spent most of his adult life in Congress, with little business or executive experience to speak of.

He steadily built his credibility as a Washington insider, starting as an intern on Capitol Hill and then becoming an aide to a Republican senator from Wisconsin.

For the past 14 years, Ryan has served as a member of the House of Representatives.” – REUTERS

So the guy staked his whole career on being a bigger asshole than anyone else. This is probably why he’s considered a rising star in the GOP. Sure, we’ll hear the story about how he worked on an Oscar Mayer hot dog truck once. Or how he grew up in a working class part of Wisconsin. Or how he, you know, saw a guy going to work once. But hey, like Tyler Durden once said “Sticking feathers up your butt don’t make you a chicken.” And the less we talk about anyone sticking anything up Paul Ryan!’s butt the better. And what fucking “credibility” are you talking about? He’s a fucking professional Congressman. Most people don’t know this but it’s actually illegal for anyone with any amount of credibility to serve in Congress.

I’m sure Mitt’s okay with it. There’s definitely some kind of strange pederastic relationship here. And it’s going to be hard for Ryan to study for the SATs while he’s out campaigning. But at least he’s older than Eric Cantor who still can’t even legally drive. And let’s face it, Romney standing next to Ryan looks like an ad for NAMBLA. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Well, it’s illegal but there’s nothing wrong with it. Just like insider trading or driving drunk.

07
Aug
12

OH LOOK, TEXAS IS DOING SOMETHING TOTALLY CRAZY AGAIN…

I don’t think that I go out of my way to make fun of Texas. I’ve done it once or twice I guess. The problem is that Texas is like a siren singing to me from the rocks. The mental rocks. In the ocean of my mind. Whatever. The point is you can almost always rely on the Lone Star State to do something that, while obviously popular within the state, is nothing short of backwards and dysfunctional to the rest of us.

“A death row prisoner who has been medically diagnosed as “mentally retarded” and therefore exempt from execution is set to die on Tuesday in Texas, a state that rejects scientific consensus and instead applies its own definition of learning difficulties based on a character in a John Steinbeck novel.

Barring a last minute intervention by the courts, Marvin Wilson, 54, will be put to death by lethal injection even though he has been subjected to scientifically-recognised tests that show him to be intellectually disabled – or “mentally retarded” as the US legal system still calls the condition.” – THE GUARDIAN

I’ve always believed that most people in this country would be willing to get rid of the death penalty if life in prison meant life in prison. Personally I’ve never been comfortable with such a perfect justice for our heavily flawed system. But, I understand the demand for that final justice when rapists, child molesters and even killers are returned to society over and over again.

If this guy killed someone then he should probably stay in prison eternally regardless of his mental handicap. Or a hospital. Whatever. Just keep him off the fucking street. That frustration brings out the worst in people which becomes reflected in the actions of our leaders.

“Instead of a clinical or scientific approach, based on widely recognized tests set out by the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities, Texas decided to go its own way.

It came up with a set of seven criteria, known as “Briseno factors” after the decision that announced them, to determine which prisoners with learning difficulties should live and which should die.

The determinants were posited around the character Lennie Small in Steinbeck’s 1937 novel Of Mice and Men.

“Most Texas citizens,” the argument ran, “might agree that Steinbeck’s Lennie should, by virtue of his lack of reasoning ability and adaptive skills, be exempt” from execution. By implication anyone less impaired than Steinbeck’s fictional migrant ranch worker should have no constitutional protection.”

So the legal basis for executing someone in Texas rests on the interpretation of a fictional character in a book that most Texans have probably never even read. Or remember reading. And of course it had to be Texas. It would just seem odd somehow if this weren’t happening in Texas.

But that’s cool. I have a STORY OF O policy when it comes to my marital happiness and a WILD BUNCH standard for all of my friends. Not to mention the AMERICAN PSYCHO benchmark for all of my power tools and kitchenware. And the less we talk about the IRREVERSIBLE threshold for appropriate movie night selections the better.