So I totally missed the big announcement about Mitt Romney! finally choosing a running mate. The guy definitely needed to change the subject from, well, himself. And who did he choose? A little boy from Wisconsin named Paul Ryan! Had I the least interest in watching the Olympics I would have been there when they cut away to the Mormonology HQ for the big announcement. But I don’t. So I didn’t. And to be honest when I found out I kind of fell asleep.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what the difference is between Mitt Romney! and Paul Ryan! In fact I’m kind of wondering if they are the same person just, like, separated by a few years of time. Or maybe Mitt Romney! divided like a cell or something. I don’t know. At any rate, Ryan is an odd choice for someone trying to deflect the image of being an out of touch wealthy white man. Because that’s pretty much what Paul Ryan! is.

“In tapping Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan to be his vice presidential running-mate, Mitt Romney has chosen an ambitious, self-described “young gun” who has staked his entire career on a single issue — slashing the federal budget.

Ryan, 42, has spent most of his adult life in Congress, with little business or executive experience to speak of.

He steadily built his credibility as a Washington insider, starting as an intern on Capitol Hill and then becoming an aide to a Republican senator from Wisconsin.

For the past 14 years, Ryan has served as a member of the House of Representatives.” – REUTERS

So the guy staked his whole career on being a bigger asshole than anyone else. This is probably why he’s considered a rising star in the GOP. Sure, we’ll hear the story about how he worked on an Oscar Mayer hot dog truck once. Or how he grew up in a working class part of Wisconsin. Or how he, you know, saw a guy going to work once. But hey, like Tyler Durden once said “Sticking feathers up your butt don’t make you a chicken.” And the less we talk about anyone sticking anything up Paul Ryan!’s butt the better. And what fucking “credibility” are you talking about? He’s a fucking professional Congressman. Most people don’t know this but it’s actually illegal for anyone with any amount of credibility to serve in Congress.

I’m sure Mitt’s okay with it. There’s definitely some kind of strange pederastic relationship here. And it’s going to be hard for Ryan to study for the SATs while he’s out campaigning. But at least he’s older than Eric Cantor who still can’t even legally drive. And let’s face it, Romney standing next to Ryan looks like an ad for NAMBLA. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Well, it’s illegal but there’s nothing wrong with it. Just like insider trading or driving drunk.


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