22
Aug
12

MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #9: BETTE MIDLER

I’m celebrating two years of Magnus Greel this week. And admittedly I’m having a blast compiling my top ten most hated series. Well, I’m also having a blast walking around naked in a bathrobe and drinking at 9:00 in the morning. But I do that far too often to call it legitimate celebrating. I got some emails from people about my first piece on George W Bush. While they all supported my view that Bush is a horrible human being and was a disaster as President, they urged me to be a little funnier with these. Well, it is hard to be funny about people whose very existences cause ulcers. But, I’ll do my best.

So today we move on to #9: Bette Midler. While I usually stay away from celebrities and the like on this site, it is sometimes just unavoidable. And while this mummified human remain is not in the news for anything at the moment she is nonetheless one of the only ten people I hate.

Granted, I hate musicals so it’s actually quite rare that I have to watch this fucking specimen do her… whatever the hell it is she does. Goddamned leatherfaced harpie. But she’s like some kind of termite or horsefly that gets in the house when you least expect it. She crops up on TV commercials or talk shows and I literally fall to the floor like a witness at the Salem Witch Trials.

My acrimony towards her began when I was younger and was forced to sit through the movie BEACHES with a girl I was dating at the time. Over the course of the film I came to understand that she is without a doubt the most obnoxious and irritating woman I have ever been exposed to. She’s been called “talented” but for the first 90 minutes of the movie I thought they had just cast an actual retard to play a normal person. And for a moment I thought that was so cool. But then I realized that she’s not mentally handicapped. She’s just fucking irritating. To this day I refuse to watch the SEINFELD with her in it because it almost ruined one of my favorite shows. She’s like a rapist’s cock the way she shows up in places she just shouldn’t be.

There’s her voice. It literally makes my brain hurt. I’ve never heard anyone speak through their nose the way she does but it sounds like Fran Drescher being sodomized by Bigfoot. I think if I ever met her in person and she spoke I would probably black out. When I woke up there would just be a headless, armless and legless torso in a pool of blood on the floor. If she has blood.

There’s her face. It looks like it was assembled using various sections of dead hookers. Except for her nose which enters a room several minutes before the rest of her and, believe it not, went to a different college than the rest of her. I think it’s actually a fucking tumor. Whatever. You’re a celebrity, bitch, get some fucking plastic surgery. Then go the hell away. And die.

There’s her political views. Midler is actually quite liberal and does get involved in some political causes which, admittedly, I am supportive of. But she’s a horrible spokesperson for anything. If she did an ad condemning world hunger I think I would probably just set fire to all the food I could get my hands on. Just to be contrary.

There’s my sense of unease at the type of people who become famous. I mean seriously, this country needs better celebrities. If this animated skin suit can be called a one-of-a-kind performer and do movies, TV shows and Broadway then either we as a society are too easily entertained or she has fucked and blown all the right people. Which kind of makes me wonder just how sick and depraved the right people are. I’m hardly all vanilla myself but come on, dude. That just ain’t right.

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1 Response to “MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #9: BETTE MIDLER”


  1. May 25, 2013 at 12:33 AM

    I like this post, enjoyed this one appreciate it for posting. “We seldom attribute common sense except to those who agree with us.” by La Rochefoucauld.


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