Archive for September, 2012

24
Sep
12

PAUL RYAN KNOWS MORE ABOUT THE MILITARY THAN THE MILITARY

Doing posts about the Presidential election seems kind of pointless now. Everybody’s talking and nobody’s listening. And it’s all pretty much bullshit anyway. And yet I’m addicted to it. For me politics is a contact sport and I follow it in its minutiae the way sports fans follow their favorite teams. Which is why I was even bothering to see what Paul Ryan! had to say on a random campaign stop in Ohio today. Well, it was that and also this speculum fetish video from Tajikistan is taking forever to download.

“During a town hall meeting, the first stop on a bus tour across Ohio, Ryan said, “”People are beginning to give up hope. People are beginning to think that the American dream’s not for them because of this stagnant economy. And when you take a look at what your government’s doing to you in every nook and cranny of America, it’s not good.”

Ryan also said that the Obama administration has threatened to veto a defense spending bill if Congress tries to reinstate funding for the nation’s only tank-manufacturing plant, located in Lima. The Pentagon has said it has enough of the vehicles and is trying halt production of tanks for several years, but Ohio legislators like Sen. Rob Portman and Rep. Jim Jordan — both of whom spoke before Ryan at the event — have lobbied to keep the plant open.

“Look, Lima, I know you understand when … you have a president who has proposed again and again to shut down this tank factory — the only one we have — over a budget gimmick, ” Ryan said. “If we keep doing this, if we keep showing that the only thing we want to do is gut our military, that projects weakness abroad. And by projecting weakness abroad, our adversaries are so much more tempted to test us, and our allies are so much less willing to trust us.” – CBS NEWS

Dude, if the military says they don’t need anymore tanks then my guess is they don’t need anymore tanks. They’re kind of the experts in the whole tank field. And what Ryan failed to mention is that it’s not just a matter of buying the damn things. You have to spend money on parts and maintenance and training for people to fix them and operate them. And then, of course, what the fuck are you going to do with them? Drive them up and down the streets of Lima and run over parked cars? THE MILITARY DOESN’T FUCKING NEED THEM.

Of course the ultimate irony is Ryan himself. This is a man who pretty much masturbates to thoughts of the free market controlling everything. Well, young man, the market says it doesn’t need anymore tanks. You can’t decry government spending and government interference in the marketplace and then turn around and insist that the government buy shit it doesn’t need just to keep a factory open. Have the fucking courage to stand by your convictions… oh yeah, this is Romney/Ryan we’re talking about. Never mind.

And lastly, Scooter, your only work experience outside of being a career Congressman was driving a fucking Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. I’m just going to go ahead and pretend that you didn’t try and sound authoritative on global military issues. I’ll just assume those noises coming out of your mouth were some kind of reverse flatulence that sounded coincidentally like words. That’s the same thing I do when I listen to my boss at work or my internet provider when it lectures me about piracy.

24
Sep
12

OH LOOK, IRAN IS DOING SOMETHING CRAZY AGAIN…

Having been born under the Ford Administration I am only too aware of how Iran has served as America’s boogeyman for three decades now. At one time or another we have blamed Iran for everything under the sun. And of course a better punching bag there could not be. Iran has always been its own worst enemy. If doing crazy shit doesn’t get our attention (nuke programs, terrorist sponsorship, beheadings and stonings, etc) then it can always just have one of their leaders open his mouth.

“Iran could launch a pre-emptive strike if Israel prepares to attack it, a senior Revolutionary Guards commander told broadcaster Al-Alam on Sunday, a day after his boss warned that conflict was inevitable.

Should Israel and Iran engage militarily, “nothing is predictable… and it will turn into World War III,” Brigadier-General Amir Ali Hajizadeh told Iran’s Arabic-language television network.

Brig.-Gen. Hajizadeh, who is in charge of Revolutionary Guards missile systems, said: “In circumstances in which they (the Israelis) have prepared everything for an attack, it is possible that we will make a pre-emptive attack. But we do not see this at the moment.”

He added that Iran would deem any Israeli strike to be conducted with U.S. authorization, so “whether the Zionist regime attacks with or without U.S. knowledge, then we will definitely attack U.S. bases in Bahrain, Qatar and Afghanistan.”

He warned that Israel “cannot imagine our response – and it will sustain heavy damage and that will be a prelude to its obliteration.” – THE GLOBE AND MAIL

Fuck, man, are you new at this? The goal in your situation is to keep America out of this thing. Sure, no shit America would be complicit in any Israeli attack. Israel couldn’t find its ass with both hands without American help. But why give us an excuse? And of course Israel is preparing for war. You’ve been threatening them with it for years.

Despite its brain damaged rhetoric and what is obviously an illicit nuclear program of some sort, Iran still has some semblance of the moral high ground. They haven’t done anything yet and nobody has conclusively proven what exactly it is they are doing. Israel and the West would look like playground bullies should they attack. If Iran goes off all crazy and George Bushy then they pretty much hand Israel all the justification it needs. I’ve never even been in the military and I understand this. This is supposed to be what you guys do for a living.

I guess my other question is exactly how would you attack Israel? With your 30-year-old air force? With your missile technology which is only a few hairs more advanced than the model rockets I used to shoot at my neighbor’s house as a kid? With your legions of suicide troops that you would somehow have to get to Israel so they can then commit suicide? And after what happened the last time I don’t see your buddies in Hezbollah launching an unprovoked attack no matter how nicely you ask them to.

I’m guessing, however, that this is all just bullshit to rally the troops. I mean it has to be, right? Because nobody is that dumb. Well, okay, some people are that dumb. But if I were trying to secretly build a nuclear weapon and keep international pressure at bay I wouldn’t be going on TV and drawing attention to myself by promising war and genocide to my much better armed enemies. But, that’s just me. Well, me and all the much smarter people in the world. And my five-year-old. And my dog. All of whom know how to be secretive when doing something they shouldn’t be doing.

Israel is the equivalent of that crazy, paranoid old guy in your neighborhood who lives alone and is always yelling at the local kids to stay off his lawn. Iran is like that one little shit who loves to ring his doorbell and run away or throw eggs at his car during the night. One of these days the crazy old man is going to catch that little punk in the act and end up shooting his ass. Of course, the crazy old man will end up facing legal consequences and become even more of a pariah than he already is. But, he doesn’t care. He’s crazy.

20
Sep
12

BANK OF AMERICA IS TRIMMING THE FAT

I don’t like banks. And when I read stories about people in the banking industry losing their jobs and hurting like normal people I can’t help but chuckle. It’s always satisfying when the bubble bursts for them and they realize, in no uncertain terms, that they are in the same sinking boat as the rest of us. The guy selling you a shitty loan or mortgage one day might very well be the guy trying to sell you cologne or socks at Target the next.

Of course banks are in the business of money. Which I honestly didn’t know was an actual business. It’s kind of ingenious, actually. Most of us have to work a job for our money. Banks have really just kind of cut out the middle man there. People just give them their money. It’s kind of like going to work in the cocaine trade so you never have to pay for blow again.

“Bank of America Corp. is accelerating a broad cost-cutting plan and has set a target of shedding 16,000 jobs by year’s end—cuts that would see the company relinquish its title as U.S. banking’s largest employer…

…Other major firms are chopping thousands of banking and trading jobs, but no big U.S. bank is doing more to slim down than Bank of America. The personnel reductions expected through the end of the year are part of a companywide expense overhaul known as Project New BAC, after the bank’s ticker symbol.

The bank expects that two phases of Project New BAC will result in $8 billion in annual savings by 2015—$5 billion from the first phase and $3 billion from a second phase that focuses on the commercial bank, the investment bank and wealth management. Bank of America noninterest expense last year was $80.27 billion, down 3.4% from a year earlier.” – THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

Well shit, man, anybody can do that. I could save more money if I just got rid of my kids. Maybe the wife too. You’re a bank. Money is like your thing. Work some of that magic or whatever. Don’t just do what the pizza place or the car dealership down the street does.

And I know that I do not really understand economics. I mean, I understand the kind where if I have five apples and I give one away then I have four. But, when it comes to rates and funds and net worths and charts and that little bell they ring at the stock exchange well, I have no fucking clue what any of that means. But, apparently saving some scratch is important enough to them that they’re going to leave 16,000 people without an income. And by this time next year they’ll be pissing and moaning about low consumer confidence. Jesus Christ I fucking hate these people.

As I’ve said before bankers have a lot in common with spousal abusers. What’s more I just don’t think banking should be a business at all. Why would you give your money to people who spend all their time figuring out ways to keep it? I want someone to keep my money safe so I don’t have to keep it in a fucking coffee can under the bed and sleep with a loaded gun. How goddamn hard is that? Some things just can’t be about profit. Shit, that’s why I spend so much of my time doing this.

19
Sep
12

MITT ROMNEY! IS STILL KIND OF NEW AT THIS

Getting into the final stages of this election season I’m somewhat loathe to comment on it. There’s very little which hasn’t been said and almost nothing which has yet to reveal itself. At this point, barring a major world development or some serious fuckup during the debates, I think the battle lines are drawn. It’s going to come down to how many people each side can get out to vote. Or, you know, abuse the legal process to keep from voting.

By now everyone has heard Romney’s remarks at a fundraiser in which he wrote off half of America as, well, I’m not sure what exactly he was trying to say.

“During a private fundraiser earlier this year, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told a small group of wealthy contributors what he truly thinks of all the voters who support President Barack Obama. He dismissed these Americans as freeloaders who pay no taxes, who don’t assume responsibility for their lives, and who think government should take care of them. Fielding a question from a donor about how he could triumph in November, Romney replied:

“There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.”

Romney went on: “[M]y job is is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” – MOTHER JONES

My first impression is that this is a filthy rich man trying to scare a room full of other filthy rich people. To hear him talk about poor people and the middle class you would think he was talking about zombies or Jawas. And it goes without saying the numerous flaws and errors in a statement like that. Not the least of which is that a hefty chunk of that “47 percent” live in red states and are supporting his candidacy, not Obama’s. But, whatever. Nobody’s listening anymore anyway.

The problem for Mitt Romney! is the pattern which has emerged. From his botched attempt at a world tour to his barely memorable convention speech to his selection of an adolescent as his running mate to the internal soap opera of his campaign being played out in public to every stupid thing he says in private being recorded there’s a broader point to be made: the guy is an amateur. He doesn’t know a whole lot about politics. He doesn’t know a whole lot about world affairs. He doesn’t know a lot about people. I’m not even sure he knows a whole lot about business. His only qualification is that he’s not Barack Obama. But then by that logic my dog, my five-year-old, my walking shoe and my sofa are qualified to be President.

Romney’s capitalist bent also leaves him vulnerable in a key area: likeability. Guys like him don’t understand that you do have to be liked. It’s not enough to have a bunch of cash or be in charge of a company. To win elections you have to do more than get people to hate your opponent. In the workplace realm being liked is really a distant concern. And what he probably doesn’t realize is that he’s starting to remind people of their boss at work. Which isn’t good considering that almost half of all working Americans don’t like their boss. And I can’t imagine that those are all just the Democrats.

But this is all academic. As I pointed out just last week there are lots of hypnotized and delusional people in America. Mitt Romney! could stand there and call them all fags and whores and throw poop at them and they’d still vote for the guy. They would genuinely believe he wasn’t talking about them. Or, you know, aiming for them.

15
Sep
12

THE PROPHET MOTIVE

Now that I’ve gotten my ten most hated out of the way I can go back to being the opinionated scandal sheet you all know and love. Admittedly I’ve missed scouring the headlines each day for material. I also miss partying with porn stars but there are just some things you can’t go back to. So headlines it is.

Of course the big story unfolding these last few days has been the complete breakdown of mental health, er, law and order in the Muslim world. Islam, of course, forbids the depiction of the prophet Mohammed in just about any capacity whatsoever. The idea being that followers should not worship a mere human but god himself. And boy do they hate it when people just go ahead and do it anyway.

“The United States has ordered the departure of non-essential government personnel and family members from posts in Sudan and Tunisia in the latest reaction to a wave of anti-American unrest in the region.

The US government also issued travel warnings to its citizens in those two countries on Saturday, urging them to depart due to security concerns after a US-made anti-Islam video triggered a violent backlash in several Islamic countries…

…The warnings follow a wave of protests and violence over an anti-Muslim film that has swept across the Middle East and other Muslim countries in recent days.

An obscure, 13-minute, amateurish video made in the US called “Innocence of Muslims” that depicts the Prophet Muhammad as a fraud, a womanizer and a pedophile sparked the outrage.

Some of the films key producers and backers were reported to be Egyptian-American Coptic Christians, one of whom, Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, has a criminal history and has gone into hiding.

Outrage over the film began in Egypt, where Salafist pundits stirred anger over what had been an unknown YouTube video.” – AL JAZEERA

So basically, the Muslim world is pissed off because they heard from someone that someone else had made a movie in which they allegedly had the prophet Mohammed doing.. uuuuh… hell, man, it doesn’t matter. Suffice to say a lot of people in the Muslim world are apparently out of work because they have time for shit like this.

Personally, I have kids to take care of. And a job. So, you know, going out and torching buildings is not something I have the luxury of doing every time someone doesn’t say “bless you” when I sneeze or wears white after Labor Day or… whatever. I like to riot when there’s a war I don’t agree with or the cops shoot some guy like 50 times for brandishing a butter knife. Taking it to the streets should be reserved for, I don’t know, the theft of a Presidential election or your favorite team winning the championships. Muslims are always accusing the rest of the world of not understanding it. Well, here’s what I understand.

I think your leaders, or the people who want to be your leaders, are trying to change the subject from why none of you have jobs or a decent standard of living. And while I think you do have some legitimate grievances about how the West has treated your part of the world, I think the same people stirring you into a frenzy over a goddamn YouTube video are probably the same people who were responsible for a lot of the shit we’ve had to do. Al Qaeda. Hezbollah. The Taliban. And so on and so on. So maybe, and I’m just throwing this out here, you should be burning down their houses and not the ones belonging to Americans who pump billions of dollars of aid into your countries every year.

And yes, it goes without saying there are plenty of normal and sane Muslims in the world who have nothing to do with any of this. Chances are they already live in America because they were sick of your crazy bullshit and left to join the 21st century. And if they haven’t started rioting after some brainless redneck drives a car through a Mosque in Arizona or shoots up a Sikh Temple in Wisconsin (because he’s too fucking illiterate to know it’s not a mosque) my guess is they’re not going to start now over something asinine and trivial like this.

Listen, dipshits, this amateur peanuts filmmaker wanted attention. And you gave it to him in spades. By this time next year he’ll probably have a three picture deal with Sony. And you’ll still be unemployed and dodging tear gas canisters. I wonder what Mohammed would have to say about that.

13
Sep
12

MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #1: AYN RAND

The notorious Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels is once said to have boasted that he needed no army to conquer a country. All he needed was a printing press and enough people willing to believe whatever he printed. And he was right. After all he once convinced most of Germany to vote for a man whose stated goal was to take away their right to vote. Genius. Pure, unadulterated evil genius.

Ayn Rand died in 1982. A writer and… uh… facial cream enthusiast she was a staunch anti-socialist and anti-communist. Her best known work, ATLAS SHRUGGED, was produced in 1957 and has been a rallying cry for conservatives and capitalists ever since. This election especially, Rand and SHRUGGED have been at the very heart of the conservative argument. But her alignment with the right wing aside, there is a lot more to what I hate about her. It goes deeper. Way deeper. And that is why Ayn Rand has the dubious distinction of being my most hated person of all time.

I first read ATLAS SHRUGGED in college. But, frankly, I was still an adolescent. And given the amount of partying I was doing I honestly didn’t remember huge chunks of it. But since college I have worked professionally as a film critic, a literary agent, a creative executive in Hollywood and a freelance copy writer and editor. So it was through this lens, and in preparation for this post, that I set about the daunting task of rereading ATLAS SHRUGGED. It would have been easier to read the fucking phone book. And yes, they still make those.

It’s okay. My first impression is how terribly overwritten it is. At over 1,000 pages I feel that roughly a third of it could have been removed without affecting the plot, the themes or any of the major character arcs. And while the kooky, 1950’s view of the future is kind of interesting the underlying premise, an alternate reality in which the world’s wealthy elite go on strike to combat socialism, is just too silly to take seriously.

The biggest obstacle to enjoying the book is Rand herself. Her Orwellian paranoia hangs over every fucking sentence like an oni from a goddamn Kurosawa film. The writing is mediocre at best and, frankly, Rand comes off as someone who just took an intro to philosophy course at her local junior college.

And we can just go ahead and get rid of the love story. I hate to be so crude but I have yet to see a picture of Rand that would convince me that she even had sex organs let alone a sex life. Or any kind of understanding about what makes human beings want to fuck each other. And her depiction of love in the book is something that an alien might attempt after studying humans for a brief period.

And that’s it. It’s an easily forgettable book written by an easily forgettable writer. Almost.

One has to take into account the historical context in which it was written. And also what Rand was really trying to do in writing it. Only then can you understand just how sinister this woman really was. When SHRUGGED was written we were firmly entrenched in the Cold War. The world back then broke down into two distinctly different camps: Socialists and capitalists. What’s more, both sides were practicing their ideologies almost to the exclusion of the other. Each side wanted to stamp out the other forever.

I’m a firm believer that no ideology or philosophy is capable of existing alone. I have no desire to live in a totally socialist state. But capitalism, which benefits a few and ignores everyone else, leaves a giant wake which socialism has always ended up filling. It’s just physics. Capitalism is also a cold ideology with no room for morality or emotion. Those who practice it are good at math and logic. Profit and loss. That kind of thing. They simply do not understand human traits like creativity.

That’s why socialists were winning the propaganda war. Socialists and communists produce propaganda like the French produce wine. Their shit is top shelf and always has been. Sure, capitalists in the west owned the newspapers and the radio and the fledgling medium of television. But even then the growing schism between the handful of rich and growing legions of poor in America were leading many to question capitalism. By itself, capitalism was not working and that was becoming clear. The “haves” found themselves facing a tide of cohesive rage from the “have nots” that resulted in things like welfare and The New Deal. Labor unions and unemployment benefits. A minimum wage.

See, there’s a reason why the wealthy don’t want the rest of us to have a safety net. It upends their precious social hierarchy. If I know that losing my job is not the end of the world then my boss has less power. And the Randian dream of an economic feudal state becomes just a little less obtainable.

Rand realized that to win, capitalists needed more than just control of information. They needed folklore. They needed a dream they could sell to the average person, something which would inspire them to vote against their own interests. Something which would make them rally to a cause that would ultimately just end up hurting them. And they had to cheer while they did it.

In short, Capitalism needed propaganda. And Rand was ready to serve it up big time.

What ATLAS SHRUGGED tries to tell us is that we shouldn’t have labor unions. There should be no laws protecting a worker’s rights. There should be no social safety net. No minimum wage. I think Rand was even going so far as to suggest there should be no democracy. In her worldview only the wealthy matter and should be allowed to make decisions or have choices. You and I are serfs.

Propaganda isn’t just about lying. It’s about inspiring. The aim is to get people to think with their hearts and not their brains. Once you’ve done that you can get them to do anything. Turn on their loved ones. Abandon their ideals. Even fight to the death. That so many working class people today embrace Rand’s teachings and praise SHRUGGED is a testament to just how effective a propagandist she was.

The book’s protagonist, Dagny Taggart, is by any measure a member of the one percent. She is also the only truly three-dimensional character in the book. She’s smart. She’s brave. She’s a good person and by gosh takes good care of her serfs, uh, employees. You can’t help but like her. And you can’t help but want to weep when she does as the dark specter of poor people taking control of their own destinies descends upon her beautiful and idyllic world.

The genius of SHRUGGED is that, from the start, you read the book not realizing it’s about a person you most likely will never be. Fans of the book, regardless of class, are convinced that they are Dagny Taggart. Or that they one day will be. But, only if every single shred of socialism is stamped out forever. Only by cutting off your own hands will you ever be able to grab the Golden Fleece.

Why, the robber baron buying up and liquidating companies isn’t greedy. It’s the guy making $8.25 an hour who complains that he can’t pay his bills. The investment banker absconding with people’s pensions isn’t the problem. It’s the guy with a sick kid who desperately needs health insurance. Your bosses who overwork you aren’t the bad guys. It’s the workers who unite and stand up to them. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

In the MATRIX films, humanity is on the brink of destruction after a cataclysmic war with a vastly superior enemy. Half of humankind is holed up underground and knows only too well how close to the brink of defeat everyone is. Their only hope for victory or even survival is to try and get through to the other half.

Unfortunately, the other half is under the control of the enemy. But not in any conventional sense. They are asleep. Their dreaming minds are plugged into a massive virtual reality and are blissfully unaware that they have been conquered. And their own sleeping bodies are providing energy to the very enemy enslaving them.

Here at Magnus Greel I bill myself as being “on the frontline between reality and bullshit”. And I cannot put it anymore succinctly than that. We are engaged in a fight against an ideology that still, even now, seeks to assert itself to the exclusion of all else.

There are those of us who live in reality and, day after day, see just how close to the brink we are to defeat. How close our vastly more powerful enemy is to complete domination. How far away and futile the ideals of our nation’s founders really are. We are cursed with clarity not unlike those on the Titanic or the 9/11 flights who could see the end coming but were powerless to stop it.

And there are those wasting away, plugged into a Randian Matrix, blissfully unaware of the situation. And they will never see how their blood, sweat and passions are simply being used to make our common enemy stronger. They will defend those enslaving them to the death. And they’ll cheer while they do it.

And somewhere in the depths of hell Ayn Rand and Joseph Goebbels are sharing a drink. And laughing.

12
Sep
12

MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #2: CHUCK NORRIS

I admit that when I moved to Los Angeles and got involved in entertainment I was still motivated by the fantasy I absorbed as a child. I simply could not let go of all the movies and television which had inspired me growing up. I thought Hollywood was where modern mythology came from and I wanted to be a part of that.

And while I had the time of my life in LA (no, seriously, I played Joe Fucking Hollywood until the wheels came off) I ultimately found myself at a kind of crossroads. The smoke and mirrors were gone and I was looking at Hollywood for what it really was. Fake. And the creative excitement of my youth had begun to die as a result.

As it happens, “fake” is precisely the word for my second most hated of all time. Carlos Ray Norris. Better known to everyone who was ever an eleven-year-old boy as Chuck Norris.

When I was a kid he was the coolest fucking thing ever. There’s probably not a male of my generation who doesn’t remember crowding around a television with his friends to watch THE OCTAGON or LONE WOLF MCQUADE on VHS over and over again. If you didn’t want to be Chuck Norris then you didn’t want to eat food or drink water. There was something wrong with you.

Of course one of the tragedies of growing up in the digital era means that going back and watching all these movies was just a keystroke away. But, once you did, you effectively destroyed the greatness you remembered and replaced it with the crap that it was. Norris’ movies sucked. They were terribly written and amateurishly produced. The fight scenes you remembered being so amazing turned out to be kind of badly choreographed and more than a little silly.

No, Chuck Norris cannot stop a bullet with his teeth or wrestle a shark or kick a tank in half or any of the other absurd yet admittedly entertaining myths out there about him. There’s actually nothing real about him at all. Those teeth? Fake. The hair? Even more fake. Even his beard is… well, it is his hair. Let’s just leave it at that. Looking at him now one can’t help but see a sad old man clinging desperately to the dying embers of his former greatness.

But you know what? I had the same reaction watching CHIPS or DUKES OF HAZARD again as an adult. And on this level alone old Chucky Boy isn’t deserving of any shit from me. Hell, man, the 80’s sucked. Period. And with the possible exception of masturbating or Christmas nothing from your childhood is ever as great as you remember it being.

I hate Chuck Norris because the guy I remembered was a badass who didn’t have time for politics. He stood for a simple ideal which I still carry with me today: never be a victim. Norris’ films helped me stand up to my first playground bully. They gave me the guts to walk away from my first job as a teenager when they tried to get me to work overtime for nothing. They taught me how to walk into a room with confidence and let everyone there know I would not be taken advantage of.

Somewhere in the 90’s, however, Norris’ mask started to slip off and he increasingly started showing the world who he really was: A born-again retard. It’s not that Norris is a Republican or anything. There are more of those in Hollywood than you would believe. No. It’s that Norris joined the ranks of those who have chosen to be stupid and bigoted. To watch him now is just sad. And yet it just really pisses me off because in a way it’s a betrayal. The Chuck Norris I remember would have never had time for these people. He would have been above catering to them no matter how much money there was in it. And he would have been way too real for loony tunes shit like this.

No, Chuck, Barack Obama is not a Muslim. Yes, he was born in America. No, voting for him will not bring about some kind of quasi-Biblical white person’s Armageddon. Yes, actually, he’s more of a capitalist than you want to admit. No, he’s not sympathetic to terrorists. In fact he’s killed more real terrorists than you’ve killed fake ones. And unlike you history will remember him long after he’s gone.

It’s a sad epitaph for a former hero. And a painful reality for a kid who grew up celebrating him. Norris could have grown old with dignity. He could have continued to be that icon I looked to as a child. He could have always been one of the good guys, constantly reminding us that we didn’t have to be a victim to anyone. But, no. Like an aging stripper finishing her last dance he’s on his hands and knees groveling for dollars as the music fades away, hawking shitty exercise equipment and selling books to crazy people. Alas poor Carlos, we thought we knew him.

So tune in tomorrow, folks, for the final stop on this wacky ride. This is the Cuban. The Montecristo. The top shelf stuff. Cock of the walk. The big cheese. The largest recipient of my ire and frustration.

Number one…