I apologize for being AWOL last week. My grandmother died and my oldest son started kindergarten. So, making fun of people on the internet just kind of seemed unimportant. But things are returning to normal now and it’s time to continue on with my list. And number six is an odd one for a number of reasons.

I would have to say that, of all the people on my list, Richard Branson is the only one I have no good reason to hate. And yet I do. I’ve only written about him once before. For the most part I just avoid him when I can because the more I even think about him the more powerful he becomes. There’s just something about his very existence that offends every molecule of my body. Maybe it’s like that woman who had seizures every time she heard Mary Hart’s voice on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. But, I can’t watch this guy for more than a few seconds before I start hurling expletives at the television. It’s probably best that I never have and probably never will meet him in person. Not that I would hurt him or anything. I just think I would probably have a major cardiac event.

My hatred of him is so visceral and so primal that I cannot really put it into adequate terms. And I’m the first to admit that the whole thing is kind of illogical and sort of nuts. Well, to be honest, I’m nothing if not illogical and sort of nuts. That’s why I do what I do.

I’m convinced that he has spent no small part of his fortune trying, unsuccessfully, to be as cool as other billionaires. And tragically, I suppose, he will never understand how lame he really is. Like Donald Trump I honestly have no idea how or why Branson is rich. And considering that this guy has yet to start a business that doesn’t fail I’m not sure how he stays rich. But, whereas Trump is easily ignorable Branson is like a fart in a crowded room that just won’t dissipate. It just feels like he’s always right there next to me trying ever so hard to get me to like him. Just staring at me with those pointy, needy little eyes.

He’s like that annoying kid with wealthy parents who is constantly trying to one-up everybody by having the same stuff they do only better. What’s that James Cameron? You’re building a submersible to go to the bottom of the Marianas Trench? I can do that too! What’s that Steve Fossett? You’re trying to circumnavigate the globe in a fucking balloon? I can do that too! What’s that Bill Gates? You’re throwing most of your money into charities? I can do that too! Aww, come on guys. Why don’t you like me?

Yes, mine is a dark and tortured existence. Considering that I’m actually sitting here giggling and doing Richard Branson’s voice is a sign that I need to get laid more often. Or drink less. One of the two.



  1. 1 jane
    April 1, 2015 at 8:43 AM

    I’m modest. Money is important ! But. He’s just like my sister. Horrid. By the way I’m terribly goodlooking. Just reading hurbert hunke. Drink?

  2. 2 j brand
    April 1, 2015 at 8:31 AM

    U r right! There’s a book out. Bout it. Where r u?

  3. 3 Anonymous
    September 30, 2012 at 9:58 AM

    I completely agree with you. Just when you have forgotten about him, I see his grinning face peering out the tv.

    • 4 Mr Honest
      December 8, 2013 at 3:52 PM

      spot on! I am always suspicious of hippy entrepreneurs…they’re the worst type! RB’s so patriotic he spends his life trying to avoid paying tax like the rest of us…what a cunt! I hope he gets crushed by British Airways…

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