I admit that when I moved to Los Angeles and got involved in entertainment I was still motivated by the fantasy I absorbed as a child. I simply could not let go of all the movies and television which had inspired me growing up. I thought Hollywood was where modern mythology came from and I wanted to be a part of that.

And while I had the time of my life in LA (no, seriously, I played Joe Fucking Hollywood until the wheels came off) I ultimately found myself at a kind of crossroads. The smoke and mirrors were gone and I was looking at Hollywood for what it really was. Fake. And the creative excitement of my youth had begun to die as a result.

As it happens, “fake” is precisely the word for my second most hated of all time. Carlos Ray Norris. Better known to everyone who was ever an eleven-year-old boy as Chuck Norris.

When I was a kid he was the coolest fucking thing ever. There’s probably not a male of my generation who doesn’t remember crowding around a television with his friends to watch THE OCTAGON or LONE WOLF MCQUADE on VHS over and over again. If you didn’t want to be Chuck Norris then you didn’t want to eat food or drink water. There was something wrong with you.

Of course one of the tragedies of growing up in the digital era means that going back and watching all these movies was just a keystroke away. But, once you did, you effectively destroyed the greatness you remembered and replaced it with the crap that it was. Norris’ movies sucked. They were terribly written and amateurishly produced. The fight scenes you remembered being so amazing turned out to be kind of badly choreographed and more than a little silly.

No, Chuck Norris cannot stop a bullet with his teeth or wrestle a shark or kick a tank in half or any of the other absurd yet admittedly entertaining myths out there about him. There’s actually nothing real about him at all. Those teeth? Fake. The hair? Even more fake. Even his beard is… well, it is his hair. Let’s just leave it at that. Looking at him now one can’t help but see a sad old man clinging desperately to the dying embers of his former greatness.

But you know what? I had the same reaction watching CHIPS or DUKES OF HAZARD again as an adult. And on this level alone old Chucky Boy isn’t deserving of any shit from me. Hell, man, the 80’s sucked. Period. And with the possible exception of masturbating or Christmas nothing from your childhood is ever as great as you remember it being.

I hate Chuck Norris because the guy I remembered was a badass who didn’t have time for politics. He stood for a simple ideal which I still carry with me today: never be a victim. Norris’ films helped me stand up to my first playground bully. They gave me the guts to walk away from my first job as a teenager when they tried to get me to work overtime for nothing. They taught me how to walk into a room with confidence and let everyone there know I would not be taken advantage of.

Somewhere in the 90’s, however, Norris’ mask started to slip off and he increasingly started showing the world who he really was: A born-again retard. It’s not that Norris is a Republican or anything. There are more of those in Hollywood than you would believe. No. It’s that Norris joined the ranks of those who have chosen to be stupid and bigoted. To watch him now is just sad. And yet it just really pisses me off because in a way it’s a betrayal. The Chuck Norris I remember would have never had time for these people. He would have been above catering to them no matter how much money there was in it. And he would have been way too real for loony tunes shit like this.

No, Chuck, Barack Obama is not a Muslim. Yes, he was born in America. No, voting for him will not bring about some kind of quasi-Biblical white person’s Armageddon. Yes, actually, he’s more of a capitalist than you want to admit. No, he’s not sympathetic to terrorists. In fact he’s killed more real terrorists than you’ve killed fake ones. And unlike you history will remember him long after he’s gone.

It’s a sad epitaph for a former hero. And a painful reality for a kid who grew up celebrating him. Norris could have grown old with dignity. He could have continued to be that icon I looked to as a child. He could have always been one of the good guys, constantly reminding us that we didn’t have to be a victim to anyone. But, no. Like an aging stripper finishing her last dance he’s on his hands and knees groveling for dollars as the music fades away, hawking shitty exercise equipment and selling books to crazy people. Alas poor Carlos, we thought we knew him.

So tune in tomorrow, folks, for the final stop on this wacky ride. This is the Cuban. The Montecristo. The top shelf stuff. Cock of the walk. The big cheese. The largest recipient of my ire and frustration.

Number one…



  1. 1 ceser is awesome
    September 14, 2013 at 12:45 PM


  2. September 13, 2012 at 10:26 AM

    So much for our heroes….Eastwood included. But at least Eastwood looks genuinely old, whereas Norris looks embalmed. Can’t wait for Number 1.

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