Archive for October, 2012

29
Oct
12

NORTH KOREA IS A MODEL OF SANITY

I truly have no idea what in the hell is going on in this picture. But, being that it was taken in North Korea, I can only assume there are like a dozen guys aiming machine guns at these yahoos just out of frame. I think smiling at all there is illegal otherwise. North Korea is a country absolutely determined not to be outdone or upstaged. Iran can stone all the adulterers they want. The Taliban can gun down all the literate little girls they can find. Because just when you think there is a length or extreme NoKo won’t go to, well, think again:

“Kim Chol, vice minister of the army, was taken into custody earlier this year on the orders of Kim Jong-un, who assumed the leadership after the death of his father in December.

On the orders of Kim Jong-un to leave “no trace of him behind, down to his hair,” according to South Korean media, Kim Chol was forced to stand on a spot that had been zeroed in for a mortar round and “obliterated.”

The execution of Kim Chol is just one example of a purge of members of the North Korean military or party who threatened the fledgling regime of Kim Jong-un.

So far this year, 14 senior officials have fallen victim to the purges, according to intelligence data provided to Yoon Sang-hyun, a member of the South Korean Foreign Affairs, Trade and Unification Committee.

Those that have fallen from favour include Ri Yong-ho, the head of the army and Ri Kwang-gon, the governor of the North Korean central bank.” – THE TELEGRAPH

I remember when I was a kid and I played with action figures. When the time had come for one of them to be executed, usually for a high crime like not being a COBRA guy or being the older of two identical Luke Skywalkers, I would have an elaborate ceremony. The condemned was led through my house on the back of a H.I.S.S. tank, allowed to say some final words and then duct taped to an M-80.

Of course those were toys and I was a child. I wasn’t running a country and whacking real people. You’d think a bullet or a noose would be cheaper and therefore more attractive to a broke ass country like North Korea. But I guess when you absolutely, positively have to make sure the motherfucker is dead then there’s no substitute for a propelled high explosive. And of course North Korea has, shall we say, somewhat vaguer legal standards for what constitutes a capital crime.

But, what the hell. In Vietnam they execute people with a flamethrower. In Turkmenistan they strap you to a SCUD missile. Frankly, we look like a bunch of softies here in America with our electric chairs and lethal injections. If I could choose my own method of execution I would ask to have Bette Midler dropped on me from a height of about 900 feet. You might think that sounds kind of silly. But, I would die taking that malignant bitch with me. So, in the end, I guess that would kind of make me the biggest goddamn hero in the world.

25
Oct
12

LIFE BEGINS AT VIOLATION

 

There’s really no sense in doing a splashy or shocking headline when someone in the Republican Party says something crazy. It would be like me doing a piece on how Vladimir Putin is powerful but bald or how scotch makes the pain go away. But every so often I feel like being topical instead of just going off on an absurd rant. Granted, absurd rants are a lot of fun. A lot of fun. But, I digress.

As when Missouri senate candidate Todd Akin made his now infamous “legitimate rape” comment a few months ago, I hardly flinched when I saw this the other day:

“Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock became the latest Republican to stir up controversy – and potential trouble for the Romney campaign – when he said during a debate that “even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

Mourdock, a tea party-backed conservative Republican, unseated longtime Sen. Richard Lugar after a heated primary campaign. On Sunday, with his general election race tightening, he received Mitt Romney’s official support. Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch is the only other candidate Romney has appeared on camera to endorse.

“With so much at stake, I hope you’ll join me in supporting Richard Mourdock for U.S. Senate,” Romney says in the new web video.“ – ABC NEWS

Of course Christianity itself began with a rape so it’s not totally surprising that these people see it this way. God might as well have climbed in through Mary’s bedroom window wearing a bandit mask and waving a knife in her face. I hope Mary, realizing it was going to happen whether she wanted it to or not, was at least able to enjoy it.

Of course this is all just a bunch of bullshit. Guys like Akin or Mourdock or even Mitt Romney! himself don’t actually believe in any of this crap. They’re just good at exploiting people who do. And they know that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Not when some backwoods retard in an Indiana or Missouri senate race can become a national name. These guys will have their own shows on Fox before you know it. Because as it stands, thankfully, it doesn’t look like either of them will get elected.

And just out of curiosity, what if a man gets raped by another man in prison and gets AIDS? Is that also a gift from god? If I rape a cow or a horse and end up with some kind of animal parasite on my dick is that god exercising his will? Is it the command of the creator himself I am following when I rape my own hand two, sometimes three times a day?

The answer is “no” of course because here in America rape is a sacred institution between one man and one woman. We’re still a somewhat conservative country so there will probably never be an Equal Rape Amendment. But, hey, I’m a dreamer baby.

23
Oct
12

INTERVIEW WITH THE CONSERVATIVE

 

So here we are on the last stretch of this election season. As much as I love politics I usually get kind of burned out on it by now. With the debates now over and things basically tied I’m sure it’s going to be a fast and furious dash for the finish line. And to keep it fresh I’m going to try something a little different. So, rather than just make fun of conservatives like I usually do this piece is actually a composite of various statements and answers I’ve heard from conservative people over the years. Many of them friends and relatives.

And yes, I’m aware that the picture up there is probably not an accurate reflection of all conservatives in America. But, no matter where they’re from when conservatives start talking, well, the guy in that picture is what they sound like.

 

You were willing to support the Patriot Act under Bush but now with Obama you don’t like the idea of the government spying on its citizens?

No. I don’t.

 

What difference does it make who is in office?

Because Bush was looking for terrorists. Obama is using it to spy on white supremacists and militias. That’s messed up.

 

Just out of curiosity, when was the last time the government interfered in your life?

Last month when I got my DUI.

 

You were actually for the invasion of Afghanistan before you were against it, correct?

Hell yeah. They attacked us.

 

What changed?

Because, when Obama took over he went in there and he… Ya’ know it’s like you can’t just… And all those troops came from Iraq and… Know what? Fuck you.

 

Surely you can applaud the operation to get Bin Laden? Right?

No way. Who the hell does Obama think he is violating the borders of another country like that?

 

So, you don’t think we should act unilaterally with our military?

No. I don’t.

 

What about the war in Iraq? You were all for that.

You know what? I know what you’re doing. It’s just like when Katie Couric ambushed Sarah Palin. I’m not stupid.

 

What are you talking about?

You ask me a question and then I answer it. That’s the oldest trick in the liberal play book.

 

I- I don’t…

You just want me to say something stupid.

 

So say something intelligent.

Fuck you! Goddamn Commie Nazi.

 

Do you, um, know the difference between Nazis and Communists?

I know enough, asshole. I know they were all buddies back in World War 2 and they tried to invade us with the Chinese.

 

Japanese.

Yeah, them too.

 

No, the Chinese were- forget it. Let me ask you about labor unions.

No way. That’s what they do in Russia.

 

So you don’t think workers should have rights under the law?

Look man, I hate my job. I hate my boss. I haven’t had a raise in, like, ever and yet they keep working me harder and harder. But it ain’t my place to complain or, you know, make demands. When workers get together and do that shit everybody goes broke and nobody wins.

 

How so?

Well, see, because… I mean look what happened to the Soviets.

 

What?

You know because everyone over there had a union and then nobody made any money so they all went broke.

 

Actually, labor unions were illegal under the Soviets.

Now you’re just pissing me off.

 

Does a woman have a right to an abortion?

No way. That’s like giving a car the right to get rid of its engine. Women make the babies. That’s what God made them for after he made dudes. It’s right there in the Bible. At least that’s what Glenn Beck says and he seems like a smart guy. You know, he uses a chalkboard and stuff like a teacher.

 

Uh… tell you what, let’s just forget abortion. How about immigration?

If other people from other countries and whatever wanna’ come here that’s just fine. But they don’t run the place. We do. It’s our country, not theirs. We were born here and they’re just guests. Get it? And you know there weren’t no blacks or Mexicans or Orientals or fags who signed the Constitution. Just sayin’.

 

You mean the Declaration of Independence?

Whatever. Look, once you put a black guy in office then it looks like… well, you know it just looks bad. Like when one moves into your neighborhood. And I’m sure he’s a nice guy and all and I’m not a racist but black people just don’t understand this country the way we do. So when George Bush or Ronald Reagan goes and does something I know it’s probably for the best. But with this guy, who knows? His father was from Africa for God’s sake. And yeah his mother was white but what the hell was she doing mixing with Africans? I know she was probably raped but it just makes me so mad.

 

Why?

Because it just does. Every time I see him smile on TV I want to put my fist through it. I don’t give a shit about socialism or regulating the banks or the tax code or whatever. I don’t even really understand any of that stuff anyway. And yeah Romney is just a rich asshole but seeing Obama sitting in that office every day just makes my blood boil. I mean sometimes it’s all I think about all day. By the time I get home at night I’m so worked up I want to fight someone. Hell, sometimes I call friends and family members who I know are Democrats just to get into an argument with them.

 

Wow. Have you ever considered talking to someone or getting psychological help?

No. I know, I sound fucking crazy. None of my arguments make any sense. I have no real understanding of history or economics or science. That’s why I’m so dependent on religion and Rush Limbaugh for guidance. I spent most of my time in school picking on other kids and smoking dope. I know that the people I end up voting for are just going to screw me and my family. But, the fact is I don’t like minorities or chicks who go to college. So I’m probably never gonna’ vote for anyone but a Republican.

 

That’s… that’s kind of sad.

Yeah. But, it’s too late for me. Maybe my kids will be smarter but I doubt it because I beat this crap into their heads all the time. As do my neighbors and my relatives. Except gay uncle Burt. But, we don’t let him come around much.

 

Well, I hope you and your loved ones find some peace and happiness regardless of who is in office.

That sounds gay. You a fag or something?

 

Thank you for your time. Bye bye now.

Yeah, God bless.

18
Oct
12

THE BROTHER’S GONNA’ WORK IT OUT

 

The whole idea of debates at this point is kind of pointless. Just about everyone who is going to show up to vote in this election has already made up their mind. Barack Obama and Mitt Romney could debate drunk in their bathrobes and I don’t think it would change the outcome. Although that would admittedly make it more entertaining.

Nevertheless, Tuesday night was round two of the debate wars and Barack Obama actually showed up this time. Not that other guy. Mitt Romney! was there too and he did his best to keep surfing the wave from Episode One. But town hall stuff has never been his home turf. Without a podium and a script he strikes me as being very uncomfortable. The format, I felt, benefited The President as ultimately did the the debate itself. It was clear he had redeemed himself after round one and I think once again put his chances for reelection back on firm footing.

And he definitely pissed on Romney’s shoes a few times which made me happy. But, there was a part of me that loathed the entire process and wished I could just hear the man say what I wished he would say. What I just know deep down he wants to say. And he is The President so, let’s face it, this is all really about him and not Multiple Mitts. So as I’ve done countless times before here is what I heard him say. In my mind. Which is in my head.

 

ON THE “47 PERCENT”

“Governor Romney was either speaking his true beliefs in that video or he was just pandering to people who do hold those views. In either case it was a dick thing to say and I think everybody knows that. I just think there are a lot of people willing to overlook it if it means getting rid of me. But they have no ideas or strategy of any kind to put in place if they do. The Mittmeister over here is a perfect example of that.”

 

ON IMMIGRATION

“We’re not going to build a fence. It’s that simple. This isn’t the goddamn West Bank. We’re not going to round people up in the streets and put them on trains. But at the same time we’re not just going to let people break the law either. We are not going to just leave the border undefended. The immigration system needs to be busted over a coffee table and put back together again right. But until that happens we’re going to be stuck making temporary fixes and improvising. And nothing will change.”

 

ON LIBYA

“Mumar Ghaddafi or Momar Kaddafi or whatever the fuck- the point is that little shit had been a thorn in the side of the free world for nearly forty years. Terrorism. Regional aggression. Black market weapons. He had four decades to clean it up but he didn’t so I helped ice him. Which, by the way, is what Reagan should have done in 1986. Mr. Tough Guy you’re all so big on.

Today, Libya is a country starting over. They have virtually no military or state security apparatus to speak of. So when some punks decide to throw down on our embassy and take out our ambassador we’re alone in finding out who is responsible. I’m sorry I didn’t get all George Bush and start shooting. I’m gonna’ find the right people who did this, no matter how long it takes, and then I’m gonna’ bring a six pack of Whoop Ass over to their house for Sunday dinner.”

 

ON GUN RIGHTS

“I know, guns, guns, guns. Tons of guns. Everybody gettin’ strapped. Look, I got no beef with the guys out hunting and throwing back PBR. I have no problem with the people who teach their kids to shoot. I have nothing against the chick with a .38 in her purse. These people don’t shoot up movie theaters or college campuses. They don’t rob banks or shoot at the police.

So we can dispense with the batshit paranoia about me looking to “disarm America” so the UN can come in or whatever, okay? I am not planning to suspend the Constitution and take away your guns. You have any idea the torrential downpour of shit I would have to deal with from my own cabinet alone if I tried something like that? No way. Stop listening to Chuck Norris, he’s fucking crazy.

I want guns out of the hands of criminals. Unfortunately, criminals don’t obey the law to begin with so passing new ones isn’t going to do shit except get whitey all riled up. Personally, I’d like to give police more resources and prosecutors more power. But, hey, personally I wish I could have banged Grace Jones back in the 80’s.”

 

 ON WOMEN’S RIGHTS AND EQUAL PAY

“Women’s rights are human rights. If you go to work then you should get paid. Gender shouldn’t enter into it. Your employer should not have the right to fire you or pay you less because you decide to reproduce. And the idea that women shouldn’t be working or be single and be mothers and working is done. It’s over. LEAVE IT TO BEAVER ain’t coming back except on Nick at Night. We don’t live in that world.”

15
Oct
12

DON’T WORRY, CHINA IS GOING TO GET YOU YOUR FUCKING PHONE

 

I myself am not a Mac user. There’s something about Mac technology that makes me feel like I’m using a device designed for a child. Or a cult member. One of the two. At any rate, it’s just never been my thing. And I have enough disposable shit made in China in my home as it is.

Of course it’s not like the average PC is built by your dad and your uncle Eddie at the plant down the street either. In fact there’s very little in this country that’s actually built right down the street by people you know. In reality, every little piece of crap you buy and have at home is made by a company like this somewhere in China.

“Foxconn’s e-mailed statement answers the claim by labor rights group China Labor Watch that thousands of workers went on strike at a Foxconn factory yesterday, bringing some iPhone 5 production lines to a halt. The labor watchdog group said 3000 to 4000 workers refused to work at a Foxconn complex in Zhengzhou because of increasing quality controls as well as an order to work through a week-long national holiday that began on Monday.

Foxconn, for its part, says employees who worked through the holiday volunteered to do so and were paid three times their regular hourly rate. The company also says the only issues with workers occurred October 1 and 2 and were “immediately addressed and measures taken, including providing additional staff for the lines in question,” Reuters reports.

Foxconn also says reports of a strike are inaccurate and that work hasn’t stopped at the Zhengzhou facility or any other. “[P]roduction has continued on schedule,” its statement reports.

Even so, Foxconn’s Chinese plants have had problems before. Last month, 2000 workers rioted at a factory in Taiyuan after what workers described as aggressive behavior from security guards.

In spite of Foxconn’s claims that everything is just fine, the company has been cracking down on workers to prevent tiny indentations on the iPhone 5—the anodized aluminum on its back and edges is easily scratched and marked, especially on the black model.

China Labor Watch had claimed that a fight between workers and quality-control inspectors resulted in some injuries that sent some people to go to the hospital.” – PC WORLD

Personally, I don’t mind some wear and tear on a device that can send my voice anywhere on the planet. And not if it keeps people from getting into fights and rioting. Besides, all the cool stuff in Star Wars had dents and scrapes. I see nothing wrong with looking like I’m in Star Wars. In my mind.

And you have to wonder what is bad enough for 2,000 people to riot. At work. I’m guessing it’s worse than a stopped up toilet or ergonomically inferior mouse pad. That many people don’t usually throw down unless they’re starving or, worse, they have no women or porn or rights. People always get their underwear in a twist over the rights they have or should have.

I personally wouldn’t want to know how my two-person underpants were made anymore than the people who made them would want to know what I do with them. Although if they did it would probably fill them with pride or at the very least some kind of horrified fascination. I do confess I’ve always had a morbid curiosity about where things come from. Babies. Tumors. Enemas. It’s all part of the rich tapestry that is me I guess.