The whole idea of debates at this point is kind of pointless. Just about everyone who is going to show up to vote in this election has already made up their mind. Barack Obama and Mitt Romney could debate drunk in their bathrobes and I don’t think it would change the outcome. Although that would admittedly make it more entertaining.

Nevertheless, Tuesday night was round two of the debate wars and Barack Obama actually showed up this time. Not that other guy. Mitt Romney! was there too and he did his best to keep surfing the wave from Episode One. But town hall stuff has never been his home turf. Without a podium and a script he strikes me as being very uncomfortable. The format, I felt, benefited The President as ultimately did the the debate itself. It was clear he had redeemed himself after round one and I think once again put his chances for reelection back on firm footing.

And he definitely pissed on Romney’s shoes a few times which made me happy. But, there was a part of me that loathed the entire process and wished I could just hear the man say what I wished he would say. What I just know deep down he wants to say. And he is The President so, let’s face it, this is all really about him and not Multiple Mitts. So as I’ve done countless times before here is what I heard him say. In my mind. Which is in my head.



“Governor Romney was either speaking his true beliefs in that video or he was just pandering to people who do hold those views. In either case it was a dick thing to say and I think everybody knows that. I just think there are a lot of people willing to overlook it if it means getting rid of me. But they have no ideas or strategy of any kind to put in place if they do. The Mittmeister over here is a perfect example of that.”



“We’re not going to build a fence. It’s that simple. This isn’t the goddamn West Bank. We’re not going to round people up in the streets and put them on trains. But at the same time we’re not just going to let people break the law either. We are not going to just leave the border undefended. The immigration system needs to be busted over a coffee table and put back together again right. But until that happens we’re going to be stuck making temporary fixes and improvising. And nothing will change.”



“Mumar Ghaddafi or Momar Kaddafi or whatever the fuck- the point is that little shit had been a thorn in the side of the free world for nearly forty years. Terrorism. Regional aggression. Black market weapons. He had four decades to clean it up but he didn’t so I helped ice him. Which, by the way, is what Reagan should have done in 1986. Mr. Tough Guy you’re all so big on.

Today, Libya is a country starting over. They have virtually no military or state security apparatus to speak of. So when some punks decide to throw down on our embassy and take out our ambassador we’re alone in finding out who is responsible. I’m sorry I didn’t get all George Bush and start shooting. I’m gonna’ find the right people who did this, no matter how long it takes, and then I’m gonna’ bring a six pack of Whoop Ass over to their house for Sunday dinner.”



“I know, guns, guns, guns. Tons of guns. Everybody gettin’ strapped. Look, I got no beef with the guys out hunting and throwing back PBR. I have no problem with the people who teach their kids to shoot. I have nothing against the chick with a .38 in her purse. These people don’t shoot up movie theaters or college campuses. They don’t rob banks or shoot at the police.

So we can dispense with the batshit paranoia about me looking to “disarm America” so the UN can come in or whatever, okay? I am not planning to suspend the Constitution and take away your guns. You have any idea the torrential downpour of shit I would have to deal with from my own cabinet alone if I tried something like that? No way. Stop listening to Chuck Norris, he’s fucking crazy.

I want guns out of the hands of criminals. Unfortunately, criminals don’t obey the law to begin with so passing new ones isn’t going to do shit except get whitey all riled up. Personally, I’d like to give police more resources and prosecutors more power. But, hey, personally I wish I could have banged Grace Jones back in the 80’s.”



“Women’s rights are human rights. If you go to work then you should get paid. Gender shouldn’t enter into it. Your employer should not have the right to fire you or pay you less because you decide to reproduce. And the idea that women shouldn’t be working or be single and be mothers and working is done. It’s over. LEAVE IT TO BEAVER ain’t coming back except on Nick at Night. We don’t live in that world.”



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