So here we are on the last stretch of this election season. As much as I love politics I usually get kind of burned out on it by now. With the debates now over and things basically tied I’m sure it’s going to be a fast and furious dash for the finish line. And to keep it fresh I’m going to try something a little different. So, rather than just make fun of conservatives like I usually do this piece is actually a composite of various statements and answers I’ve heard from conservative people over the years. Many of them friends and relatives.

And yes, I’m aware that the picture up there is probably not an accurate reflection of all conservatives in America. But, no matter where they’re from when conservatives start talking, well, the guy in that picture is what they sound like.


You were willing to support the Patriot Act under Bush but now with Obama you don’t like the idea of the government spying on its citizens?

No. I don’t.


What difference does it make who is in office?

Because Bush was looking for terrorists. Obama is using it to spy on white supremacists and militias. That’s messed up.


Just out of curiosity, when was the last time the government interfered in your life?

Last month when I got my DUI.


You were actually for the invasion of Afghanistan before you were against it, correct?

Hell yeah. They attacked us.


What changed?

Because, when Obama took over he went in there and he… Ya’ know it’s like you can’t just… And all those troops came from Iraq and… Know what? Fuck you.


Surely you can applaud the operation to get Bin Laden? Right?

No way. Who the hell does Obama think he is violating the borders of another country like that?


So, you don’t think we should act unilaterally with our military?

No. I don’t.


What about the war in Iraq? You were all for that.

You know what? I know what you’re doing. It’s just like when Katie Couric ambushed Sarah Palin. I’m not stupid.


What are you talking about?

You ask me a question and then I answer it. That’s the oldest trick in the liberal play book.


I- I don’t…

You just want me to say something stupid.


So say something intelligent.

Fuck you! Goddamn Commie Nazi.


Do you, um, know the difference between Nazis and Communists?

I know enough, asshole. I know they were all buddies back in World War 2 and they tried to invade us with the Chinese.



Yeah, them too.


No, the Chinese were- forget it. Let me ask you about labor unions.

No way. That’s what they do in Russia.


So you don’t think workers should have rights under the law?

Look man, I hate my job. I hate my boss. I haven’t had a raise in, like, ever and yet they keep working me harder and harder. But it ain’t my place to complain or, you know, make demands. When workers get together and do that shit everybody goes broke and nobody wins.


How so?

Well, see, because… I mean look what happened to the Soviets.



You know because everyone over there had a union and then nobody made any money so they all went broke.


Actually, labor unions were illegal under the Soviets.

Now you’re just pissing me off.


Does a woman have a right to an abortion?

No way. That’s like giving a car the right to get rid of its engine. Women make the babies. That’s what God made them for after he made dudes. It’s right there in the Bible. At least that’s what Glenn Beck says and he seems like a smart guy. You know, he uses a chalkboard and stuff like a teacher.


Uh… tell you what, let’s just forget abortion. How about immigration?

If other people from other countries and whatever wanna’ come here that’s just fine. But they don’t run the place. We do. It’s our country, not theirs. We were born here and they’re just guests. Get it? And you know there weren’t no blacks or Mexicans or Orientals or fags who signed the Constitution. Just sayin’.


You mean the Declaration of Independence?

Whatever. Look, once you put a black guy in office then it looks like… well, you know it just looks bad. Like when one moves into your neighborhood. And I’m sure he’s a nice guy and all and I’m not a racist but black people just don’t understand this country the way we do. So when George Bush or Ronald Reagan goes and does something I know it’s probably for the best. But with this guy, who knows? His father was from Africa for God’s sake. And yeah his mother was white but what the hell was she doing mixing with Africans? I know she was probably raped but it just makes me so mad.



Because it just does. Every time I see him smile on TV I want to put my fist through it. I don’t give a shit about socialism or regulating the banks or the tax code or whatever. I don’t even really understand any of that stuff anyway. And yeah Romney is just a rich asshole but seeing Obama sitting in that office every day just makes my blood boil. I mean sometimes it’s all I think about all day. By the time I get home at night I’m so worked up I want to fight someone. Hell, sometimes I call friends and family members who I know are Democrats just to get into an argument with them.


Wow. Have you ever considered talking to someone or getting psychological help?

No. I know, I sound fucking crazy. None of my arguments make any sense. I have no real understanding of history or economics or science. That’s why I’m so dependent on religion and Rush Limbaugh for guidance. I spent most of my time in school picking on other kids and smoking dope. I know that the people I end up voting for are just going to screw me and my family. But, the fact is I don’t like minorities or chicks who go to college. So I’m probably never gonna’ vote for anyone but a Republican.


That’s… that’s kind of sad.

Yeah. But, it’s too late for me. Maybe my kids will be smarter but I doubt it because I beat this crap into their heads all the time. As do my neighbors and my relatives. Except gay uncle Burt. But, we don’t let him come around much.


Well, I hope you and your loved ones find some peace and happiness regardless of who is in office.

That sounds gay. You a fag or something?


Thank you for your time. Bye bye now.

Yeah, God bless.



  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: