08
Nov
12

BIBI’S UNCOMFORTABLE PHONE CALL

 

Many people were surprised that the only election coverage I did on this site was to publish a middle finger. I figured there was already such a saturation of it that mine would have probably just gotten drowned out. And there are only so many ways I can express my joy and relief at how well election night went for, um, sane people. My only post, on Facebook and Twitter, was to say simply that Benjamin Netanyahu was about to make the most uncomfortable phone call ever.

Netanyahu all but wore a t-shirt that said “I HATE YOU BARACK OBAMA. PLEASE ELECT MY FELLOW RICH FRIEND MITT ROMNEY OR SOMETHING TERRIBLE WILL HAPPEN”. He did more than just quietly pick a side. The man took every step he could to try and interfere in our Presidential election. And, in the end, he bought into the belief that a Romney win was inevitable.

Of course Mitt Romney! is already fading gracefully into the flushed toilet of history. And the big story in Israeli media the last few days has been to wonder how much damage old Bibi did to their alliance with America by opening his big mouth. According to news reports Netanyahu was one of the first world leaders Barack Obama spoke with by phone after his re-election. Here then is a fairly good guess as to how that conversation went down.

 

NETANYAHU: Good day, Mr. President. I hope you are well.

OBAMA: Well? Try fucking awesome. Because that’s what I am, biyatch.

NETANYAHU: Excuse me?

OBAMA: Sorry I…(Garbled. Sound of DISCO INFERNO playing in the background) …little party here in the Oval. What can I do for you?

NETANYAHU: I am phoning you to express my congratulations on your election victory. I also want to tell you that I hope we can continue-

OBAMA: Lemme’ just stop you right there, Benny. (Sound of chewing) Goddamn these are good. Anyway, you don’t like me and that’s fine. You and Mitt Romney are old friends from back when you were, uh, doing something with money together. (More chewing) I understand your supporting him. I really do.

NETANYAHU: Well, I-

OBAMA: It’s kind of like when you ask me to support you over a NATO ally like Turkey. You feel me? (Garbled) Hell yes! Turn this shit up! (Sound of IT WAS A GOOD DAY blaring in the background)

NETANYAHU: Mr. President, please-

OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. I’m listening.

NETANYAHU: I feel this ill-will goes both ways. You were once photographed speaking to me on the phone with your feet on the desk. In my part of the world that is highly offensive.

OBAMA: Look, Benny, your part of the world is an ancient shit hole. Here in America it doesn’t matter who you show your feet to. Nobody cares. If I wanted to insult you I would have called your wife and told her to lose some weight. (Sound of laughter in the background)

NETANYAHU: Look, this is all beside the point. My main focus right now is Jerusalem.

OBAMA: Who?

NETANYAHU: Jerusalem.

OBAMA: Oh yeah, yeah. (Sound of champagne cork popping).

NETANYAHU: And of course the imminent apocalypse threatened by the Iranian nuclear program.

OBAMA: Ugh, Jesus, man. For like the millionth time we got this shit. Hear me? They so much as blink the wrong way and I take them to the fucking cleaners. So just relax. Sit down. Take a deep breath. Have a beer. You guys drink beer in Israel?

NETANYAHU: Well, uh-

OBAMA: Drink some of that horrid wine you guys like or whatever. Shit, man, I don’t know. Just chill out for god’s sake. You’re always on about the end of the world and shit. This is why nobody likes you.

NETANYAHU: Excuse me?

OBAMA: Try smiling. Maybe get laid. I don’t know.

NETANYAHU: Mr. President this is highly counter-productive. I’ve drawn a picture of a stick of dynamite with a chart next to it to illustrate the threat we face from Hezbollah-

OBAMA: Bibi I’m gonna’ have to cut you off here. I got Putin on the other line and he’s got this joke about a Chinese woman and a herd of goats that I am just dying to hear.

NETANYAHU: But, we’re all going to die-

OBAMA: Ciao, baby.

NETANYAHU: Wait! Wait! Death! Horror! Disaster!

Click.

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