Unlike many people I’ve never really liked David Petraeus. I know the left wing hates his guts going back to his book-cooking days for the Bush Administration during the Iraq War. The right adored him because he could not have been more blatantly Republican if he marched up and down central Baghdad wearing a Davy Crockett hat and calling people “coloreds”.

He just always struck me as shifty. Like the guy on the other side of the teller window at Bank of America or the Mormonologists who still insist on coming to my front door. Or Mr. Rogers. It was a gut reaction. I just knew, somehow, that underneath he was a scumbag and a narcissist. Well, as just about everyone on earth now knows, my instincts served me well.

“Petraeus resigned last week from the head of the CIA after admitting an affair with a woman later identified as his biographer, Paula Broadwell, 40, a fellow West Point graduate who spent months studying the general’s leadership of U.S. forces in Afghanistan.

The revelation came during an FBI probe of another matter, and it led to the shocking fall of the celebrated and revered four-star Army general, who once ran the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The affair came to light during an FBI investigation of “jealous” e-mails reportedly sent by Broadwell to a U.S. Central Command volunteer named Jill Kelley, a government source familiar with the investigation told CNN on Monday.” – CNN

Firstly, and I suppose this is neither here nor there, but Petraeus’ wife Holly looks like Thelma from Scooby Doo. Just all grown up. And apparently suffering from The Bends. And while that doesn’t condone fucking another woman I think it does explain it. The guy was America’s top spy. We can’t have him banging a man in a woman suit. Just saying. Of course Petraeus is no underwear model himself. He looks like Jimmy Stewart with Lego hair.

Secondly, I find it odd that anybody wanted to write this jackass’ biography in the first place. I’m not entirely sure what the hell he ever did to warrant that. Some say he won the Iraq War. I say he was just there when it ended. But some say I shouldn’t be so opinionated. I think they should stop hiding their deep sexual attraction to me behind masks of such hostility. See? We could go on all day.

And seriously, man, who the hell resigns because of an affair? This isn’t… shit, I don’t even remember when people actually did that. I think it was before electricity and running water. Or the 1950’s. One of the two. Then again if I had to quit my job every time I did something stupid with my penis I’d be virtually unemployable at this point. I’ve never cheated or anything like that. But “stupid” is a very broad word that can involve pretty much anything from power tools to plants to old videos of Elayne Boosler. Man, someone should be writing my biography. I’m way more interesting and complex than this clown.



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