27
Nov
12

THE TALIBAN IS VERY UPSET… OR SOMETHING

I’ve been tempted over the years to offer a reward to anyone who can get a picture of a Taliban member smiling or laughing. Or at least not screaming and waving fists in the air. These guys are seriously one note. Whether it is American military policy or a bad egg roll they pretty much have one setting: screaming and breaking things. If The Taliban were a television show it never would have made it through a full season before being cancelled. So yeah, you could probably just say that The Taliban is no different than COP ROCK or AUTOMAN.

“The Pakistani Taliban vowed Thursday to carry out attacks against India to avenge the death of a man executed by Indian authorities for his role in the 2008 terrorist assault on Mumbai.

Mohammed Ajmal Kasab, a Pakistani, was hanged Wednesday in Pune, a city southeast of Mumbai. He was the lone surviving gunman from the attacks in India’s financial capital in November 2008 that killed more than 160 people.

Ihsanullah Ihsan, the spokesman for the Pakistani Taliban, said the militant group would conduct various attacks in India in response to the execution. He didn’t provide further details.

The Pakistani Taliban, who are closely linked with their namesake in Afghanistan and with al Qaeda, operate in the ungoverned area that sits on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan.” – CNN

I feel that if you’re going to go into someone else’s country and gun down a bunch of people you should probably accept that a certain amount of risk goes along with that. Like, for example, being jailed and executed. What the fuck did they think was going to happen? That people in India were going to give this guy a million dollars and a bunch of virgins? That they were going to parade him through the streets singing “For He’s a Jolly Good Terrorist”?

It’s like when I was a little brat kid who used to ride his bike around town with his buddies throwing rocks at people’s houses. Every so often one of us would get caught and end up in trouble. And then we’d vow to get even with the people who got our friend in trouble for vandalizing their house. Jesus. I just went back and read what I just wrote. I was a fucking dick. Then again I was just a child, not a militantly religious terrorist organization actively working across international borders to destabilize and destroy civilized society.

Of course just when I was ready to write the Taliban off as stupid I read the story further. Then I realized that I was wrong. They are not stupid. They are angry and delusional children who, by a complete coincidence, happen to be also stupid.

“The Taliban spokesman said they are demanding that Kasab’s body be returned to Pakistan for an Islamic burial. He criticized the Pakistani government, saying it had failed by not requesting the return of the body.”

That’s good. It’s good that you’re going to criticize the government. I do it all the time here in America. Of course I’m an actual citizen of my country. I’m not hiding out in the frontier of someone else’s country, breaking the law and killing people. Then, you know, turning around and criticizing the very government I’ve been thumbing my nose at for not, uh, doing all it can to get the body of one of my fellow assholes back from yet another country where he went apeshit with an AK47 and killed a bunch of people. Christ. I’m tired just from writing that. Goddamn these people are confusing. And yes I did just say “these people” which is meant to differentiate them from “this person” who, despite a delinquent childhood, grew up to not kill people with automatic weapons. And I shave too.

I hope India sends this fuckhead’s body back. I hope they dress him in women’s underwear and tattoo “POOP” on his forehead. Maybe stick some raw pork in his ass. Yeah, I’ve come very far indeed from my misspent youth.

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