Archive for January, 2013

22
Jan
13

BASHAR ASSAD IS READY FOR YOU TO STOP TRYING TO KILL HIM NOW

The Ass Man

I admit to a certain romantic notion of it being “me against the world”. My blog. My ideas. My views on acceptable behavior whilst tripping on acid at a funeral. All of these things are what, frankly, set me apart from everyone else. It’s the lovely little corner of the universe that I call me. And while I might use strong language or sophomoric humor to defend it I stop far, far short from killing anyone. Once I have to start hurting people to prove my point I kind of just become another asshole like George Bush (no, the other one) or every jerk on a bus in India. Or, shall we say, the leader of Syria.

“As Syrian opposition leaders met in Turkey over the weekend to try to iron out their differences, Syria’s foreign minister invited rebels to join a national dialogue, promising that all those who lay down their arms and forswear foreign intervention will be part of a transitional government.

“I tell the young men who carried arms to change and reform — take part in the dialogue for a new Syria and you will be a partner in building it,” the foreign minister, Walid al-Moallem, said in an interview broadcast on Syrian state television on Saturday. “Why carry arms?” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

Why carry arms? Shit, man, I don’t know. Perhaps because they look cool. Maybe because the streets of Damascus can be dangerous after dark. Personally I would still want to carry a gun in Syria because the guy running the country is still a fucking lunatic. President Bashar Assad, shown above demonstrating what he does with his wife’s nipples before pulling the blankets over his head and giggling, is a man I would totally trust if he were chained to a radiator or didn’t have an air force. And I certainly wouldn’t just hand over my weapons after he pulled a goddamned Lex Luthor move like this the weekend before:

“President Bashar Assad on Sunday delivered a dramatic aria of defiance from the stage of the Damascus Opera House, rallying his base for a fight to the finish against a 21-month-old rebellion he dismissed as an unholy alliance between the West and al-Qaeda. The hour-long speech offered little hope that Assad might be about to end the civil war that has killed upwards of 60,000 Syrians by heeding the rebels’ central demand: that he step down. Indeed, Assad rejected any negotiations with an opposition he branded “enemies of God and puppets of the West.” He would only negotiate, he vowed, “with the master, not the servants” – TIME

Yeah. Something tells me they’re going to keep their guns. This, of course, is why Assad is one of my Top Ten Most Hated People. Only a complete jackass, or brainless psychopath, would try to cling to power by killing every person in his country. I mean, I’m sure that sounds cool when you’re playing RISK and throwing back scotch in your palace. But, in the real world… eh, not so much. And nice move using the opera house to show your contempt for your own people, the rest of the world and “the master” whoever the hell that is. Jesus, don’t tell me he’s talking to his fucking dog like David Berkowitz now.

Assad still believes there is a future for him in charge of Syria. Or even walking around and breathing. Had he just left a year ago he’d be kicking it on the Black Sea with Gerard Depardieu right now instead of eating canned food in a bunker somewhere with a bunch of other dudes who probably haven’t bathed in months. But I don’t hate a man for making mistakes or misreading the level of universal hatred directed at him or even for thumbing his nose at the international community. I do, however, hate him for being a smarmy little fuck who can’t take a hint. And for killing 60,000 people. That too. Like using the wrong fork to eat a salad or playing country music at a party that’s really uncalled for.

11
Jan
13

DON’T TREAD ON ME… OR MY FRAGILE HETEROSEXUALITY

Where The Boys Are

When I was like eight or nine my friends and I used to love running around in the woods with BB guns and fireworks playing War. Sure, there was the odd bruise or cut or singed hair but it was a hell of a lot of fun. Then we grew up, started looking at girls and listening to metal. Then we grew up some more and got college degrees and jobs. And while it’s important to grow up and I like my adult life I will be the first to admit that I miss those days of reckless youth. But there’s no going back and I understand that.

But for some people the path of maturity is never walked. Take for example a man named James Yeager who is the CEO of a company called Tactical Response. No, they don’t teach the finer points of debate. You can check out their website right here but this is how they describe themselves:

“Tactical Response Incorporated was initially established in a gravel pit in 1996 with the sole purpose of providing the highest end firearms and tactical training possible. The company has grown slowly; but one thing has remained constant. We are as motivated to learn as we are to teach.

Today Tactical Response has instructors from all walks of life: military, private citizens, police, PSD contractors, computer professionals, and even a high school principal. The common thread among our staff is our never-ending quest for knowledge. Each year we receive hundreds and hundreds of hours of instruction from outside trainers and schools. We have vowed to never become marred down by traditionalism or the status quo. Tactical Response asks for an open mind from our students and we require nothing less from ourselves. We consider it a failure to not learn at least one new piece of information while we attend a class.

You will never see any technique named after one of our Instructors because we would have to justify it forever even if we knew it was substandard. If we want to name something we will buy a boat.”

Right off the bat I’ll say this sounds pretty cool. Even after everything that has happened in this country I still support the right of law-abiding citizens to defend themselves. And as one of my old martial arts instructors used to say the mind is the most lethal weapon on Earth. There is nothing wrong with someone seeking knowledge, discipline and expertise in what is still a chaotic and often dangerous world.

Unfortunately, a website doesn’t really tell you the whole story. It’s wrapping paper designed to make what’s underneath look and sound a whole lot more appealing. Look at my own website for Christ’s sake. So let’s just take a look at what Tactical Response CEO James Yeager has to say about gun control and the democratic process in a video which is steadily going viral:

Of course this is all kind of hypothetical. I hate to break this to you, dude, but something tells me the government isn’t all that afraid of you. Should the day ever come that they decide to deal with you my guess is that you’ll never get the chance to go all SCARFACE. You probably won’t see or hear them coming. That’s because they’re trained professionals and not crazy roided out wannabes screaming threats into a video camera. They’ll make use of stealth, patience and practicality. Tactics which you clearly don’t teach in your tactical response, um, thing. Or whatever the fuck it is. Sometimes the best way to avoid being a victim is to not draw attention to yourself.

The only real threat a goofball like you poses is inciting other lonely dudes still looking to play GI JOE in the woods. Or in a shopping mall or a federal building. I’m motivated to arm myself and learn combat skills to protect myself from someone like you more than a crackhead or an angry teenager who plays too much CALL OF DUTY. And all you’re really doing with a video like this is giving a bad name to people like me and everyone else who are otherwise interested in being safe and responsible members of society. My advice is to stick to pellet guns and bottle rockets. Or, you know, get laid.

08
Jan
13

THE TEA PARTY IS KIND OF LOSING ITS COOL

Image

If there’s one thing which has struck me about the Tea Party it’s how they do batshit crazy things and then complain about how people think they’re batshit crazy. That’s like me standing naked in my living room window watching college girls walk to class and then getting offended when people start throwing around words like “pervert” and “police”.

Perhaps as a way of buffering the crazy, the Tea Party has invested a lot of money into Political Action Committees with pleasant and harmless sounding names. For example, FreedomWorks, the group started by former Republican Congressman Dick Armey and, uh, some other guy. And of course once the moolah started rolling in they did what any other staunchly free market libertarian would do: they tried to control the media and threatened people with firearms.

“Former FreedomWorks chairman Dick Armey revealed that the Tea Party group paid Glenn Beck about $1 million to say “nice things” about the group on his radio show, and that it got a negative return on that investment, in an interview Friday — with the liberal group Media Matters, of all places. It’s the latest strange revelation in the FreedomWorks civil war. Armey reportedly tried to stage an armed coup last fall, but his reign didn’t last long, and donor Richard J. Stephenson agreed to pay Armey $400,000 a year for 20 years to go away. Apparently that didn’t come with a non-disparagement clause.” – THE ATLANTIC

Whoa, Nelson… what in the hell are you talking about? An “armed coup”? How do you drop that bombshell without going into detail? That’s like the time I casually explained my lateness at work by saying that I had to get the blood off my bumper. Then I just walked out of my boss’ office. So in the interests of getting to the bottom of the truth, and laughing my ass off at these people, I tracked down another story in THE ATLANTIC which went into more detail.

“In the middle of this year’s election season, former House majority leader Dick Armey found himself at odds with fellow executives at FreedomWorks, the libertarian-leaning group they helped build and run together. Armey was the chairman, while author and activist Matt Kibbe is the president. 

For years, the two men had created an effective partnership. But on September 10, according to the Post, Armey showed up at the FreedomWorks offices with his wife, and aide, and a unidentified man wearing a gun on his hip. The armed man escorted Kibbe and his top deputy out of the building, while Armey began suspending other staffers.”

This is awesome. I didn’t realize you could legally settle disputes in this country by threatening people with a gun. Holy shit, are they in for a surprise at my bank. And my landlord is going to wish he’d never bitched me out over the whole “rent” thing. And god help the next traffic judge who gets it into his or her head that I was “speeding” and am now subject to a “fine”.

Of course I can just give the local media some money to say “nice things” about me. Presumably after the SWAT team shoots me for trying to renegotiate the terms of my auto loan with a Glock. And, before federal agents start tracking me down for threatening banks and judges (landlords don’t have that kind of legal protection so fuck them) I will state that I was obviously kidding.

But what is perhaps not as comical is the libertarian belief that guns and cash somehow give you power over the law. That by owning a weapon or having lots of scratch you can choose not to follow the same rules as everyone else. Hardly surprising. A libertarian is basically just a conservative version of an anarchist. But, hey, that’s cool. I’m a Greelist. That’s just the liberal version of a drunken, sex-crazed moral hypocrite.

07
Jan
13

GERARD DEPARDIEU IS NOT HAPPY… OR SOMETHING

Aaaaaaaah!

I only even know who Gerard Depardieu is because I went to film school. And unless you saw GREEN CARD or 1492 then you probably have no idea who the hell this hobgoblin is. And since almost nobody actually saw those films then it’s a fairly good bet that you’re wondering why he’s been a front page story for the last week. Well, here’s a clue: he’s got tons of money and he’s really unhappy. Yeah, I know. Real plot twist, right?

“”I love your country, Russia — its people, its history, its writers,” the “Green Card” actor wrote in an open letter to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Nobody doubted that Depardieu’s decision to accept Putin’s offer of Russian citizenship stemmed from French President Francois Hollande’s plan for a “rich tax” of 75 percent for residents earning more than 1 million euros ($1.3 million). The French government has said it intends to revise its draft legislation after the country’s top court struck down the proposed law last month. Russia’s personal tax rate is 13 percent for most income, hardly comparable to Hollande’s punishing levy for the rich.

Depardieu is just the latest in a series of high-profile figures fleeing the tsunami of higher taxes engulfing indebted Western nations. Billionaire Facebook Inc. co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his U.S. citizenship last year after taking up residency in Singapore, where the top tax rate is 20 percent. British Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton caused a stir last year after he carried the Olympic torch in London, though he had lived in Switzerland and Monaco since 2007, partly — by his own admission — due to taxation. The top rate of income tax in the U.K. is 50 percent, and the country only provides major tax relief to those residents not domiciled in the country, a rule that doesn’t apply to natives such as Hamilton. Monaco levies no income tax from its residents.” – BLOOMBERG

I guess the belief that money can’t buy you happiness is pretty much true. I say this because rich people are always bitching and whining. Like seriously, they’re never happy about anything. They’re always pissed off. Always getting angry and making threats. Always throwing temper tantrums. Always telling the rest of us to fuck off… until they screw up and need a bailout.

And what the hell are they all upset about? They’re fucking rich. They lead lives the rest of us will never know. If the day ever comes that I’m rich (and I’ll start holding my breath in just a minute) I’ll be so goddamn happy that everywhere I go I’ll be jumping and laughing like a jackass. My entire wardrobe will have big yellow smiley faces on it. I’ll drive a car with fucking carnival music blaring nonstop from a loudspeaker on the roof. And I certainly won’t turn around and abandon the country which helped make me rich to begin with. Which brings me back to Gerardo up there.

Dude, seriously, take a look in the mirror and then say the following words: I’m a successful actor. People pay money to look at me. I’m quite possibly the luckiest asshole on Earth. Consider that even though you have a face like a cancerous scrotum you’re still a movie star. Maybe you should be thankful that anyone even gives a shit who you are let alone wants to tax your income.

And maybe, one day, you’ll realize that you traded that unbelievable life in France for citizenship in a totalitarian hellhole. Seriously, the first time you’re unhappy about something in Russia and you start bitching they’ll probably lock your ass up with Pussy Riot. Either that or you’ll just go missing. And as for all your wealthy compatriots, well, I offer only this: you can run but you can’t hide. Governments are just as greedy as you are. Oh, sure, they lure you to their shores with siren promises of no taxation and beds made of naked women and so forth. But, sooner or later, you’re going to wake up with your ass bleeding, your bank account empty and everyone saying you were asking for it.

03
Jan
13

SO BASICALLY IT SUCKS TO LIVE IN INDONESIA

Aceh Ventura

It’s no secret that I find religion to be kind of silly. I am inherently suspicious of anyone trying to tell me what god wants or thinks. Religious leaders are kind of like porn producers trying to sell me their product when I can just go to the internet and get it for free. Not to cheapen the idea of a higher power or anything. Or wait, yeah, I’m totally cheapening it. Well shit.

But as it turns out I’m far from the only one cheapening, manipulating or downright abusing religion and the people who believe in it. Take Indonesia for example. It’s the most populace Muslim country on the planet. And, surprise surprise, there are a lot of totally batshit crazy people there. Not that Christian or Jewish countries are models of sanity or anything. But Muslim craziness is a kind of unique jewel in its own right.

“A city in the Indonesian province of Aceh which follows Sharia has ordered female passengers not to straddle motorbikes behind male drivers.

Suaidi Yahya, mayor of Lhokseumawe, says it aims to save people’s “morals and behaviours”.

Leaflets have been sent out to government offices and residents to inform them about the regulation.

Aceh is the only Indonesian province that follows Sharia.

Under the new regulation, the mayor says that women passengers are only allowed to sit “side-saddle” because straddling the bike seat violates Islamic values.

“When you see a woman straddle, she looks like a man. But if she sits side-saddle, she looks like a woman,” Suaidi said.

He added that passengers who sat side-saddle rarely fell off.” – BBC NEWS

Actually, you dingus, people who ride side-saddle almost always fall off because it’s a fucking motorcycle and not a horse or a bicycle. Further, she does not “look like a woman” because she’s riding side-saddle on a motorcycle. She looks like a fucking moron who is eager for a trip to the ER. And/or the unfortunate resident of a barbaric hellhole with hopelessly inane rules.

And take a look at that picture and tell me they look like men. I mean I suppose they could be men but it’s not obvious. Wait, are they? Great, now I can’t stop staring at them. My penis is totally confused. Thanks a lot, Indonesia. Damn you and your deceptively feminine male hooker and porn star population.

And this seems so random and arbitrary that I’m starting to wonder if fundamentalist Islam isn’t just running out of ways to oppress people. So, in the interest of bridging the gap between conservative Muslim governments and sexually obsessed American bloggers I am going to offer a few creative ways to continue keeping people in ideological shackles. That’s okay, you don’t have to thank me.

 

From now on men must crap standing up in Indonesia to prevent them from being confused with women or farm animals.

 

All Indonesian women older than 15, but younger than 50 because that’s disgusting, must fuck every man they see on the street wearing tan shoes. Should they become impregnated the man who fathered the child is allowed to hurl a brick at her every Thursday morning for a year.

 

All boys in Indonesia must show their genitals to any dog or cat sitting on a sofa or windowsill and sing a Bollywood song of their choice.

 

Any Indonesian woman with facial hair is to be set on fire immediately lest she be confused with a man.

 

Any Indonesian girl caught knowing how to read is to be blinded with hot pokers so all the illiterate men in Indonesia don’t feel inferior.

 

All tranny and ladyboy porn from Indonesia must be clearly labeled so the men jacking off to it don’t accidentally do something gay. Like I just did. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.

02
Jan
13

300!

Greelites

It seems appropriate to usher in the New Year with a nod to my 300th post on this site. It’s kind of hard to believe that I’m still doing this. I haven’t stuck to anything this long since that time I forced myself to jerk off to one of Jane Fonda’s workout videos. And now that I think about it I’m not really sure why I did that. Hey, cut me some slack. I was like ten.

I do want to thank all of you for reading. Since I started this site two-and-a-half years ago I’ve watched my site traffic steadily increase from all over the world. Even in countries where they don’t speak English. Which is strange. But, what the hell. I also want to thank everyone who has commented at one time or another. Feedback is always cool even when it’s people hurling insults or epithets at me. Seriously, check out my piece on the fucking Dog Whisperer which brought out every dog owning shut-in and social retard on the internet. And they’re still commenting to this day. But, that’s all Kool and the Gang. Being hated is like being eye-banged by gay dudes. I mean, I’m not into guys or anything but the attention really does do my ego some good.

At any rate, I’ve been off for the last week or so and didn’t do much blogging over the holidays. The world, however, kept on turning and so here’s what I should have written about last week but didn’t. Because I was drunk.

 

THE MAYANS WERE FULL OF SHIT

Well, to be more accurate, everyone who thought they understood what the Mayan calendar meant was full of shit. Nevertheless, it’s kind of sad that something as impressive and ancient as the Mayan Calendar will now be remembered along with Y2K and that crazy guy who said we were all going to die on May 21st of 2011. Then again I believe that most things end not with a bang but a whimper. So, in actuality, it’s possible that the seeds of our ultimate demise were quietly sewn on December 21st.

 

REPUBLICANS ARE BECOMING THAT RELIGIOUS UNCLE THAT NOBODY IN THE FAMILY WANTS TO TALK TO

After waving their dicks at the average American and giving the finger to poor people, the GOP ended up doing exactly what they swore up and down they’d never do: raise taxes on rich people. And those spending cuts they wanted? Those didn’t happen after all. Talk about taking it in the ass (which is funny because I’m pretty sure Eric Cantor is a bottom). Still, I think defeat is healthy for them. Well, it’s healthy for me because I laugh myself silly every time conservatives fail at something. So needless to say I laugh a lot. Like, constantly.

Then they turned around and refused to pass the Hurricane Sandy aid relief bill. Because that’ll show those… well, I’m not exactly sure who they thought they were exacting revenge on by doing that. People whose houses were demolished or businesses which are now literally gone I suppose. And they seriously still want to put armed gun nuts in every school in America to prevent other armed gun nuts from shooting people. Perhaps the solution is to just put all the gun nuts in a football stadium and let them shoot it out.

 

BASHAR ASSAD IS STILL A PIECE OF SHIT

This probably comes as little surprise to anyone. But, what is a surprise is that he’s still, you know, not hanging from a fucking gas station awning in Damascus with about a dozen bullet holes in his corpse. The latest United Nations estimate on the death toll in Syria tops out at 60,000. When you have to kill everyone in your country to stay in power it kind of defeats the purpose I think. Seriously, why is this asshole still breathing? Give me a gun. I’ll go kill him myself for Christ’s sake. Oh yeah. I live in America. I can pretty much get a gun anywhere regardless off my questionable mental state. Very well then, Bashar. Tonight. You.

 

KIM JONG UN IS NUTS

After launching rockets and missiles everywhere and even executing a guy with a fucking mortar round to prove he has a penis, North Korea’s child leader says he wants to end all this bad noise with South Korea and let everyone be friends again. Well, in his world, everyone getting along means they all do what he tells them to do. I can respect that. That’s what I tell police officers when they try to write me a “ticket” for “speeding”.

 

HILLARY CLINTON ALMOST TOOK A DIRT NAP

I have long labored under the belief that the only things capable of killing Hillary Clinton were ancient spells or knives made of alligator teeth. As it turns out those are the only things which make her sexually aroused. After headbutting a table the soon-to-be former Secretary of State and possible Presidential contender (yeah, and I’m a possible pervert) was found to have a blood clot near her brain. And here I was thinking it was just another lame excuse not to sleep with me.