02
Jan
13

300!

Greelites

It seems appropriate to usher in the New Year with a nod to my 300th post on this site. It’s kind of hard to believe that I’m still doing this. I haven’t stuck to anything this long since that time I forced myself to jerk off to one of Jane Fonda’s workout videos. And now that I think about it I’m not really sure why I did that. Hey, cut me some slack. I was like ten.

I do want to thank all of you for reading. Since I started this site two-and-a-half years ago I’ve watched my site traffic steadily increase from all over the world. Even in countries where they don’t speak English. Which is strange. But, what the hell. I also want to thank everyone who has commented at one time or another. Feedback is always cool even when it’s people hurling insults or epithets at me. Seriously, check out my piece on the fucking Dog Whisperer which brought out every dog owning shut-in and social retard on the internet. And they’re still commenting to this day. But, that’s all Kool and the Gang. Being hated is like being eye-banged by gay dudes. I mean, I’m not into guys or anything but the attention really does do my ego some good.

At any rate, I’ve been off for the last week or so and didn’t do much blogging over the holidays. The world, however, kept on turning and so here’s what I should have written about last week but didn’t. Because I was drunk.

 

THE MAYANS WERE FULL OF SHIT

Well, to be more accurate, everyone who thought they understood what the Mayan calendar meant was full of shit. Nevertheless, it’s kind of sad that something as impressive and ancient as the Mayan Calendar will now be remembered along with Y2K and that crazy guy who said we were all going to die on May 21st of 2011. Then again I believe that most things end not with a bang but a whimper. So, in actuality, it’s possible that the seeds of our ultimate demise were quietly sewn on December 21st.

 

REPUBLICANS ARE BECOMING THAT RELIGIOUS UNCLE THAT NOBODY IN THE FAMILY WANTS TO TALK TO

After waving their dicks at the average American and giving the finger to poor people, the GOP ended up doing exactly what they swore up and down they’d never do: raise taxes on rich people. And those spending cuts they wanted? Those didn’t happen after all. Talk about taking it in the ass (which is funny because I’m pretty sure Eric Cantor is a bottom). Still, I think defeat is healthy for them. Well, it’s healthy for me because I laugh myself silly every time conservatives fail at something. So needless to say I laugh a lot. Like, constantly.

Then they turned around and refused to pass the Hurricane Sandy aid relief bill. Because that’ll show those… well, I’m not exactly sure who they thought they were exacting revenge on by doing that. People whose houses were demolished or businesses which are now literally gone I suppose. And they seriously still want to put armed gun nuts in every school in America to prevent other armed gun nuts from shooting people. Perhaps the solution is to just put all the gun nuts in a football stadium and let them shoot it out.

 

BASHAR ASSAD IS STILL A PIECE OF SHIT

This probably comes as little surprise to anyone. But, what is a surprise is that he’s still, you know, not hanging from a fucking gas station awning in Damascus with about a dozen bullet holes in his corpse. The latest United Nations estimate on the death toll in Syria tops out at 60,000. When you have to kill everyone in your country to stay in power it kind of defeats the purpose I think. Seriously, why is this asshole still breathing? Give me a gun. I’ll go kill him myself for Christ’s sake. Oh yeah. I live in America. I can pretty much get a gun anywhere regardless off my questionable mental state. Very well then, Bashar. Tonight. You.

 

KIM JONG UN IS NUTS

After launching rockets and missiles everywhere and even executing a guy with a fucking mortar round to prove he has a penis, North Korea’s child leader says he wants to end all this bad noise with South Korea and let everyone be friends again. Well, in his world, everyone getting along means they all do what he tells them to do. I can respect that. That’s what I tell police officers when they try to write me a “ticket” for “speeding”.

 

HILLARY CLINTON ALMOST TOOK A DIRT NAP

I have long labored under the belief that the only things capable of killing Hillary Clinton were ancient spells or knives made of alligator teeth. As it turns out those are the only things which make her sexually aroused. After headbutting a table the soon-to-be former Secretary of State and possible Presidential contender (yeah, and I’m a possible pervert) was found to have a blood clot near her brain. And here I was thinking it was just another lame excuse not to sleep with me.

Advertisements

0 Responses to “300!”



  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: