08
Jan
13

THE TEA PARTY IS KIND OF LOSING ITS COOL

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If there’s one thing which has struck me about the Tea Party it’s how they do batshit crazy things and then complain about how people think they’re batshit crazy. That’s like me standing naked in my living room window watching college girls walk to class and then getting offended when people start throwing around words like “pervert” and “police”.

Perhaps as a way of buffering the crazy, the Tea Party has invested a lot of money into Political Action Committees with pleasant and harmless sounding names. For example, FreedomWorks, the group started by former Republican Congressman Dick Armey and, uh, some other guy. And of course once the moolah started rolling in they did what any other staunchly free market libertarian would do: they tried to control the media and threatened people with firearms.

“Former FreedomWorks chairman Dick Armey revealed that the Tea Party group paid Glenn Beck about $1 million to say “nice things” about the group on his radio show, and that it got a negative return on that investment, in an interview Friday — with the liberal group Media Matters, of all places. It’s the latest strange revelation in the FreedomWorks civil war. Armey reportedly tried to stage an armed coup last fall, but his reign didn’t last long, and donor Richard J. Stephenson agreed to pay Armey $400,000 a year for 20 years to go away. Apparently that didn’t come with a non-disparagement clause.” – THE ATLANTIC

Whoa, Nelson… what in the hell are you talking about? An “armed coup”? How do you drop that bombshell without going into detail? That’s like the time I casually explained my lateness at work by saying that I had to get the blood off my bumper. Then I just walked out of my boss’ office. So in the interests of getting to the bottom of the truth, and laughing my ass off at these people, I tracked down another story in THE ATLANTIC which went into more detail.

“In the middle of this year’s election season, former House majority leader Dick Armey found himself at odds with fellow executives at FreedomWorks, the libertarian-leaning group they helped build and run together. Armey was the chairman, while author and activist Matt Kibbe is the president. 

For years, the two men had created an effective partnership. But on September 10, according to the Post, Armey showed up at the FreedomWorks offices with his wife, and aide, and a unidentified man wearing a gun on his hip. The armed man escorted Kibbe and his top deputy out of the building, while Armey began suspending other staffers.”

This is awesome. I didn’t realize you could legally settle disputes in this country by threatening people with a gun. Holy shit, are they in for a surprise at my bank. And my landlord is going to wish he’d never bitched me out over the whole “rent” thing. And god help the next traffic judge who gets it into his or her head that I was “speeding” and am now subject to a “fine”.

Of course I can just give the local media some money to say “nice things” about me. Presumably after the SWAT team shoots me for trying to renegotiate the terms of my auto loan with a Glock. And, before federal agents start tracking me down for threatening banks and judges (landlords don’t have that kind of legal protection so fuck them) I will state that I was obviously kidding.

But what is perhaps not as comical is the libertarian belief that guns and cash somehow give you power over the law. That by owning a weapon or having lots of scratch you can choose not to follow the same rules as everyone else. Hardly surprising. A libertarian is basically just a conservative version of an anarchist. But, hey, that’s cool. I’m a Greelist. That’s just the liberal version of a drunken, sex-crazed moral hypocrite.

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