11
Jan
13

DON’T TREAD ON ME… OR MY FRAGILE HETEROSEXUALITY

Where The Boys Are

When I was like eight or nine my friends and I used to love running around in the woods with BB guns and fireworks playing War. Sure, there was the odd bruise or cut or singed hair but it was a hell of a lot of fun. Then we grew up, started looking at girls and listening to metal. Then we grew up some more and got college degrees and jobs. And while it’s important to grow up and I like my adult life I will be the first to admit that I miss those days of reckless youth. But there’s no going back and I understand that.

But for some people the path of maturity is never walked. Take for example a man named James Yeager who is the CEO of a company called Tactical Response. No, they don’t teach the finer points of debate. You can check out their website right here but this is how they describe themselves:

“Tactical Response Incorporated was initially established in a gravel pit in 1996 with the sole purpose of providing the highest end firearms and tactical training possible. The company has grown slowly; but one thing has remained constant. We are as motivated to learn as we are to teach.

Today Tactical Response has instructors from all walks of life: military, private citizens, police, PSD contractors, computer professionals, and even a high school principal. The common thread among our staff is our never-ending quest for knowledge. Each year we receive hundreds and hundreds of hours of instruction from outside trainers and schools. We have vowed to never become marred down by traditionalism or the status quo. Tactical Response asks for an open mind from our students and we require nothing less from ourselves. We consider it a failure to not learn at least one new piece of information while we attend a class.

You will never see any technique named after one of our Instructors because we would have to justify it forever even if we knew it was substandard. If we want to name something we will buy a boat.”

Right off the bat I’ll say this sounds pretty cool. Even after everything that has happened in this country I still support the right of law-abiding citizens to defend themselves. And as one of my old martial arts instructors used to say the mind is the most lethal weapon on Earth. There is nothing wrong with someone seeking knowledge, discipline and expertise in what is still a chaotic and often dangerous world.

Unfortunately, a website doesn’t really tell you the whole story. It’s wrapping paper designed to make what’s underneath look and sound a whole lot more appealing. Look at my own website for Christ’s sake. So let’s just take a look at what Tactical Response CEO James Yeager has to say about gun control and the democratic process in a video which is steadily going viral:

Of course this is all kind of hypothetical. I hate to break this to you, dude, but something tells me the government isn’t all that afraid of you. Should the day ever come that they decide to deal with you my guess is that you’ll never get the chance to go all SCARFACE. You probably won’t see or hear them coming. That’s because they’re trained professionals and not crazy roided out wannabes screaming threats into a video camera. They’ll make use of stealth, patience and practicality. Tactics which you clearly don’t teach in your tactical response, um, thing. Or whatever the fuck it is. Sometimes the best way to avoid being a victim is to not draw attention to yourself.

The only real threat a goofball like you poses is inciting other lonely dudes still looking to play GI JOE in the woods. Or in a shopping mall or a federal building. I’m motivated to arm myself and learn combat skills to protect myself from someone like you more than a crackhead or an angry teenager who plays too much CALL OF DUTY. And all you’re really doing with a video like this is giving a bad name to people like me and everyone else who are otherwise interested in being safe and responsible members of society. My advice is to stick to pellet guns and bottle rockets. Or, you know, get laid.

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