Archive for February, 2013

28
Feb
13

GLORIA STEINEM KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU

Gloria Steinem

In all probability you have no idea who Gloria Steinem is. Unless, of course, you’re old enough to remember sexism.  At best, you’ve probably heard the name. No, she wasn’t Hitler’s girlfriend or the original Laurie on THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY. She’s actually one of the pioneers of the early feminist movement. Although I’ll bet you didn’t know that she’s also Christian Bale’s stepmother. Which, if you ask me, is the most interesting thing about her. BATMAN is way cooler than the long struggle for gender equality. You know I’m right.

But, hey, apparently being Christian Bale’s stepmother is grounds enough to be invited onto TV talk shows. And you know what? By golly she just knows a thing or two about everything. Including how you and your spouse or partner should handle doing chores around the house. Which she’s probably never done herself seeing as she married a rich guy who then promptly died.

Still, Steinem cruised by to chat with Marlo Thomas recently and, shockingly, offered her opinions on a variety of topics.

“How can you convince your male spouse to pitch in and help with household chores? Feminist activist Gloria Steinem weighed in when she visited me on Mondays With Marlo. The first thing she said? Don’t do the chores! You’ll make the point that these duties should be shared. Approach the topic with humor, but if you’re working outside the home, the household chores should be divided.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

Yeah. Groundbreaking stuff. It never occurred to me to share things in my marriage. Like at meals, for example, I’ve always just licked all the food on my wife’s plate before she can start eating. Or, like when I dive into bed ahead of her, sprawl out and scream “There’s no room for you! You’re so fucking selfish! Go away!” Man, thanks to Gloria I can finally see what I’ve been doing wrong. Us average people really don’t know shit, do we? You can check out the video here. But, to be honest, I wouldn’t blame you in the least for not doing that.

Actually, I’ve already lost interest in what Gloria had to say. Now that we’re mentioning Christian Bale I kind of want to watch AMERICAN PSYCHO again. That movie was awesome. Although I’m sure it resulted in some interesting Thanksgiving dinner conversation in the Steinem-Bale household. Damn. Now I’m hungry for turkey and stuffing. Maybe I’ll cook some while I watch PUBLIC ENEMIES and steal my wife’s pain medication for her back injury.

Granted, I have no fucking clue who Marlo Thomas is. I think she’s famous for being in that TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP video. Or maybe she fucked Bobby Kennedy. I don’t know. I’m sure I could find the answer quite easily on the internet but somehow I just can’t bring myself to care. And to be honest not knowing who she is makes this piece all the more entertaining. So I’m just going to go with that.

26
Feb
13

LET’S GET KARZAI!

Karzai For You

I apologize for this site being dead for so long. Well, not dead. It was more like a fat guy passed out under the stairs from a night of heavy drinking. Not that I’ve been drunk for like two weeks straight or anything. Nor would drinking keep me from blogging. And I’m actually not fat, I work out pretty regularly. Fuck, what was I talking about? Oh yeah.

At any rate I’m looking at ways to post more regularly and also more than once a day. Working and parenting, of course, are like gremlins on a ship at sea which try to sink the damn thing before it gets to port. Still, I keep soldiering on. And once again I’d like to thank all the lonely dog owners and Cesar Millan nuts out there who keep my traffic up by putting nasty comments on a post I did, like, six months ago. You guys complete me.

So anyway, back to business. I’ve been watching with increasing amusement the attempts of Afghan President Hamid “Dirty Finger” Karzai to not die at the hands of his own people. And this is no small feat either considering that NATO is kind of tired of him and his country and is getting ready to leave. And there’s nobody between him and several million heavily armed lunatics except for some of those very same heavily armed lunatics. And for some odd reason he seems to want to speed up the process of having nobody competent around to protect him.

“The Afghan president has ordered US special forces to leave Wardak province within two weeks. The decision was being taken due to allegations of disappearances and torture by Afghans considered to be part of US special forces, said a spokesman for Hamid Karzai. The strategically significant, central province of Wardak has been the recent focus of counter-insurgency operations…

…The accountability of US forces and local militia working with them has been a growing source of friction in Afghan-US relations.

A week ago, Mr Karzai banned Afghan forces from calling in foreign air strikes on residential areas, following the deaths of 10 civilians in a night raid in eastern Kunar province. Mr Karzai gave a blunt statement for the reasons for the ban.

“Our forces ask for air support from foreigners and children get killed in an air strike,” he said.

The argument over accountability comes against a backdrop of long-term negotiations over which foreign forces will remain in Afghanistan after Nato’s exit in 2014. The bulk of Nato’s 100,000 troops are due to leave by the end of that year.” – BBC NEWS

I guess my first reaction to this story is “Cool. Fuck you anyway.” Fine. Kick us out. We don’t want to be in your fucking stone age toilet of a country anyway. And if you don’t want the best soldiers in the world protecting you and your inept government then, hey, so much the better. Here’s some guns and some bullets and a Kevlar vest. Good luck, asshole. And something tells me that there will still be plenty of explosions, murders and disappearances after we leave. Call it a hunch.

The sad truth though is that this guy is probably going to die the moment we’re gone. Well, I don’t how sad that is. I mean I’m pretty indifferent myself. But, if I had as many people trying to kill me as this guy does I’d sleep with a machine gun. And once we do leave this dipshit is going to have to deal with an entire country full of illiterate, shit-eating cave dwellers who hate the West. So he probably figures the less pro-American he looks the better. But, something tells me that won’t stop some yahoo from the mountains driving a motorcycle packed with explosives into his palace. Just like me walking into a country/western bar wearing a ten gallon hat and saying “Howdy”, “Yee haw” and “Fuckin’ blacks” would not make all the hicks inside suddenly like me.

08
Feb
13

THE SHI’ITE STUFF

The Shiite Stuff

That Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has not managed to start a war is astounding to me. This guy has spent eight years now flirting with annihilation and pretty much tempting fate in every way possible. He can’t even open his mouth without making threats or pissing off the international community. It finally took one of the worst-hidden nuclear weapons programs in history to give him the villain status he clearly craves.

On the surface, though, I think he’s an okay bad guy at best. He doesn’t really have all that much executive authority. And he reminds me of this strange man I knew growing up who would wander around the neighborhood pointing and yelling at children. Seriously, the guy even wore the same jacket and everything. The only difference being that Ahmadinejad has a global platform and a military.

“Iran told Israel on Monday it would regret its air strike against Syria last week, without spelling out whether Iran or its ally planned any military response.

“They will regret this recent aggression,” Saeed Jalili, Secretary of Iran’s Supreme National Security Council, told a news conference in Damascus a day after holding talks there with President Bashar al-Assad.

Jalili likened Israel’s attack on a military compound north-west of Damascus on Wednesday to previous conflicts including its 34-day war with Lebanon’s Shi’ite militant group Hezbollah in 2006, all battles that he said Israel had lived to regret.

“Today, too, both the people and the government of Syria are serious regarding the issue. And also the Islamic community is supporting Syria,” he said.

Jalili said Iran, in its current role as head of the Non-Aligned Movement, would work on Syria’s behalf on the international stage in response to the attack.” – REUTERS

Jesus, man, anybody can just make a bunch of ominous threats without actually committing to anything. I do it all the time. Like, daily. But, I’m never actually going to flog my bank teller or do a drive-by flamethrowing at city hall. That’s kind of the point of threats as I see it. I know my bank and my landlord don’t see it that way but I feel it’s pretty much a truism nonetheless.

And their buddy Bashar has his own problems right now. I doubt he’s eager to get into a potential military showdown with Israel and his own people. Or hell, maybe he does. Who knows. Maybe the guy is dumber than a bag of hammers. Perhaps he’s just sitting in his underwear in front of a RISK board drinking a Schlitz and watching PATTON. I could see that. The point being that Iran would be alone in any conflict with the West or Israel especially if they go and start it.

“Iran declared last week that it had successfully launched a monkey into space and retrieved it alive, which officials hailed as a major step towards their goal of sending humans into space…

…The launch added to western concerns about Iran’s space programme because the same rocket technology could potentially be used to deliver a nuclear warhead on a ballistic missile.

“I am ready to be the first human to be sent to space by Iranian scientists,” Ahmadinejad said on Monday, on the sidelines of an exhibition of space achievements in Tehran, according to the Mehr news agency.

“Sending living things into space is the result of Iranian efforts and the dedication of thousands of Iranian scientists.” – THE GUARDIAN

While it’s possible that he was just kidding or perhaps misspoke I prefer to believe that he meant it. Because that would be pretty badass. I don’t like the guy but it would be awesome to see a world leader actually obtain Bond Villain status again. Everyone needs a common enemy to get along sometimes and this crazy fuck flying around in space would be just the ticket.

This is a basic service which I perform myself. Through lecherous behavior, antisocial attitudes and a generally disheveled appearance I give the other members of my community a common point of disgust which, in turn, allows them to bond as a group. So the next time you see someone drunk and urinating in public or screaming on the street you should take a moment to stop, give a salute and say “God bless you, sir. God bless you indeed.” They’re the real heroes.

01
Feb
13

DON’T WORRY. IT’S FINE.

THE SEVENTH SEAL, Bengt Ekerot, 1957, death

Having spent the last few days either curled up in bed with cold sweats or dealing with school loan lenders, I find that my interest in the subject of tiny parasites has been piqued. Whatever outer space, Neo-Nazi psychopath virus I had rendered me immobile for two entire days. No joke, I had 300 Spartan antibodies fighting to the death at the entrance of my colon.

Anyhow, while researching my condition online (as well as painless methods of suicide) I found myself linked to a BBC NEWS story from earlier this week. And what struck me was not as much the content as it was how buried the story was. It wasn’t even on the front page of their “World” or “Health” sections. You had to stumble across it to even find it.

“The rise in drug resistant infections is comparable to the threat of global warming, according to the chief medical officer for England.

Prof Dame Sally Davies said bacteria were becoming resistant to current drugs and there were few antibiotics to replace them.

She told a committee of MPs that going for a routine operation could become deadly due to the threat of infection.

Experts said it was a global problem and needed much more attention.

Antibiotics have been one of the greatest success stories in medicine. However, bacteria are a rapidly adapting foe which find new ways to evade drugs.” – BBC NEWS

Not to sound cynical but when something is viewed to be a “global problem” and needs “much more attention” it usually means nothing is going to happen. At least not until the dead start walking through the streets devouring every living thing in their path. I’m sure then it’ll be all “Quick! To the laboratory!”

I guess the reason a story like this ends up on the back page, so to speak, is the subject matter. Germs scare the shit out of people. And the thought of suddenly one day not being able to stop them from killing us is one people tend to avoid. And they are trying to kill us. All the time. Everywhere. Like, right now. Did you feel that? That was bacteria trying to kill you.

“The World Health Organization has warned the world is heading for a “post-antibiotic era” unless action is taken.

It paints a future in which “many common infections will no longer have a cure and, once again, kill unabated.”

My first reaction is to call for covering the Earth in bleach or building nanobots armed with guns and flamethrowers. But the fact is we are all covered with bacteria all the time. We need them as much as they threaten us. Like me with Hillary. Still, the idea of a post-antibiotic era scares the hell out of me.

Granted, there was a long pre-antibiotic era and somehow mankind survived. But, it wasn’t the good sort of survival. It was the generally unpleasant QUEST FOR FIRE kind of thing. Definitely a more day-to-day existence. On the other hand Armageddon would probably mean I didn’t have to pay back anymore loans because I’d be dead or out killing to survive. Which sounds kind of cool, actually, when compared to a normal life of working and paying debts. So maybe this isn’t bad news after all.