The Shiite Stuff

That Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has not managed to start a war is astounding to me. This guy has spent eight years now flirting with annihilation and pretty much tempting fate in every way possible. He can’t even open his mouth without making threats or pissing off the international community. It finally took one of the worst-hidden nuclear weapons programs in history to give him the villain status he clearly craves.

On the surface, though, I think he’s an okay bad guy at best. He doesn’t really have all that much executive authority. And he reminds me of this strange man I knew growing up who would wander around the neighborhood pointing and yelling at children. Seriously, the guy even wore the same jacket and everything. The only difference being that Ahmadinejad has a global platform and a military.

“Iran told Israel on Monday it would regret its air strike against Syria last week, without spelling out whether Iran or its ally planned any military response.

“They will regret this recent aggression,” Saeed Jalili, Secretary of Iran’s Supreme National Security Council, told a news conference in Damascus a day after holding talks there with President Bashar al-Assad.

Jalili likened Israel’s attack on a military compound north-west of Damascus on Wednesday to previous conflicts including its 34-day war with Lebanon’s Shi’ite militant group Hezbollah in 2006, all battles that he said Israel had lived to regret.

“Today, too, both the people and the government of Syria are serious regarding the issue. And also the Islamic community is supporting Syria,” he said.

Jalili said Iran, in its current role as head of the Non-Aligned Movement, would work on Syria’s behalf on the international stage in response to the attack.” – REUTERS

Jesus, man, anybody can just make a bunch of ominous threats without actually committing to anything. I do it all the time. Like, daily. But, I’m never actually going to flog my bank teller or do a drive-by flamethrowing at city hall. That’s kind of the point of threats as I see it. I know my bank and my landlord don’t see it that way but I feel it’s pretty much a truism nonetheless.

And their buddy Bashar has his own problems right now. I doubt he’s eager to get into a potential military showdown with Israel and his own people. Or hell, maybe he does. Who knows. Maybe the guy is dumber than a bag of hammers. Perhaps he’s just sitting in his underwear in front of a RISK board drinking a Schlitz and watching PATTON. I could see that. The point being that Iran would be alone in any conflict with the West or Israel especially if they go and start it.

“Iran declared last week that it had successfully launched a monkey into space and retrieved it alive, which officials hailed as a major step towards their goal of sending humans into space…

…The launch added to western concerns about Iran’s space programme because the same rocket technology could potentially be used to deliver a nuclear warhead on a ballistic missile.

“I am ready to be the first human to be sent to space by Iranian scientists,” Ahmadinejad said on Monday, on the sidelines of an exhibition of space achievements in Tehran, according to the Mehr news agency.

“Sending living things into space is the result of Iranian efforts and the dedication of thousands of Iranian scientists.” – THE GUARDIAN

While it’s possible that he was just kidding or perhaps misspoke I prefer to believe that he meant it. Because that would be pretty badass. I don’t like the guy but it would be awesome to see a world leader actually obtain Bond Villain status again. Everyone needs a common enemy to get along sometimes and this crazy fuck flying around in space would be just the ticket.

This is a basic service which I perform myself. Through lecherous behavior, antisocial attitudes and a generally disheveled appearance I give the other members of my community a common point of disgust which, in turn, allows them to bond as a group. So the next time you see someone drunk and urinating in public or screaming on the street you should take a moment to stop, give a salute and say “God bless you, sir. God bless you indeed.” They’re the real heroes.


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