Wally Walmart

I’ve never actually set foot inside a Walmart. I’m not only proud of that I’m also kind of smug about it. Truth is, though, I rarely find myself needing cheap plastic shit that’s going to fall apart or give me cancer. Or a country music CD. Or exposure to the lower rungs of society’s ladder. So I don’t shop there. But, hey, to each their own, right? I love that expression. I like to use it when I take a crap in a women’s bathroom or someone accuses me of giving them a disease.

Soon, however, everyone in America (and the world by extension) will be forced to engage in Walmart economics. Why is that? Because for some reason I have yet to figure out, President Obama has decided to open the gates of our government to let the enemy come inside and run things. This is either a brilliantly masterful tactic, the logic of which will become clear later, or the most unbelievably horrible thing ever to happen to us as a country. Frankly, I could go either way.

“Sylvia Mathews Burwell will be nominated Monday by President Barack Obama to be the director of the Office of Management and Budget, a senior Obama administration official said.

Burwell, 47, is currently the head of the Walmart Foundation, the retail chain’s charitable organization. The organization donated nearly $1 billion to causes worldwide in 2011, according to its website.

If confirmed by the Senate, she will assume a Cabinet-rank position as head of the White House agency that assists the president on budget matters.

While it may not have the profile of jobs such as secretary of state or secretary of defense, the OMB position is a central part of a president’s administration. One example of its importance is the rise of Jack Lew, who held that job before becoming White House chief of staff and now treasury secretary.” – CNN

Some people maintain that the private sector does things more efficiently. I respectfully disagree. Well, in my world “respectfully” can involve anything from obnoxious laughter and mockery to outright indecent exposure. The whole reason we have a government is to protect us from the chaos and anarchy of the free market. Not make nice with it. And I understand that my point of view is a rather unique one. At least that’s what a psychologist once told a judge and the charges against me got dropped.

But, whatever. People in this country are like the guy from MEMENTO sometimes. They forget that just four years ago people like Burwell helped drive this country right into the fucking ditch. Putting her in charge of the nation’s budget is like a rape victim choosing her assailant as her new gynecologist. Burwell might as well show up to her confirmation hearings wearing a ski mask and waving a butcher knife. And yeah, I also find it laughable that Walmart has a charitable wing. But, hey, so does Hezbollah and the KKK. Even the largest retail chain in the world has to try and look nice. And try to make an invasive assault seem like something really cool and positive.

“Walmart CEO Mike Duke congratulated Burwell on her upcoming nomination, calling her “a strong leader who both masters the details and has a clear vision for making big things happen.”

“She cares deeply about people (and) she understands business and the role that business, government and civil society must play to build a strong economy that provides opportunities and strengthens communities across the country,” Duke said in a statement.”

A statement like that would be pretty reassuring if it came from a regular person. But, it came from the CEO of Walmart. So other than the fact that it’s probably a bunch of bullshit it’s kind of frightening at the same time. Even Hitler made the invasion of Poland sound like a great idea. And he also had a “clear vision for making big things happen”. And, yes, I realize that Hitler references are a cheap and lazy way to make a point. Eh, fuck it. It’s Monday.



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