29
Mar
13

NORTH KOREA DOESN’T BRING ME FLOWERS ANYMORE

Hey Everybody!

I’ve been following the quickly escalating tensions with North Korea all week. As I’m sure most of the world has been seeing as it’s like the most heavily armed place on Earth outside of Texas. I was worried when Kim Jong Il died because I thought the last true supervillain the world had was gone. When his kid took over I just assumed he’d be another boring, ineffectual member of the iPod generation. Someone more concerned with his fucking shoes or apps then threatening the stability of the Asian continent.

I have to confess, I immediately started missing the old man and those cold, psychotic stares from across the DMZ. I missed how he’d gently toy with me by sending commando units over the border or firing rockets into the Sea of Japan. Oh, the way he’d make me swoon with his Dr. No outfits and his military parades and his virulent rhetoric.

I was starting to worry that the old magic was gone and that I would never know true fascist aggression again.

“North Korea said on Tuesday that all of its strategic rocket and long-range artillery units “are assigned to strike bases of the U.S. imperialist aggressor troops in the U.S. mainland and on Hawaii and Guam and other operational zones in the Pacific as well as all the enemy targets in South Korea and its vicinity.”

“They should be mindful that everything will be reduced to ashes and flames the moment the first attack is unleashed,” the North Korean command said in a statement carried by the North’s official Korean Central News Agency.

Tensions on the Korean Peninsula have risen after North Korea’s launching of a three-stage rocket in December and its third nuclear test last month. In response, Washington and Seoul pushed for a United Nations Security Council resolution imposing more sanctions on North Korea and this month began their annual joint military drills intended to warn North Korea against attacking the South.” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

Be still my beating heart. Sir, I pray you are not toying with me. I haven’t felt this kind of excitement since your father went all COBRA Commander and started sinking South Korean boats and bombing South Korean islands. Of course, not to be outdone The U.S. and the South Koreans started making some aggressive moves of their own. It’s a dance, really. After all, one really is the loneliest number. Well, not for me. I have all kinds of fun by myself. But, you get the point.

“The US has flown two B-2 stealth bombers over South Korea as part of a military exercise.

The US said it demonstrated its forces could conduct “long-range, precision strikes quickly and at will”.

The move follows strong rhetoric from Pyongyang and comes a day after it cut a military hotline with the South…

…Pyongyang has been angered both by annual US-South Korea military drills, and the fresh UN sanctions that followed its third nuclear test on 12 February.

The hotline it severed was the last direct official link between the two nations. A Red Cross hotline and another line used to communicate with the UN Command at Panmunjom have already been cut. An inter-Korean air-traffic hotline still exists.” – BBC NEWS

Forgetting for a moment that the effectiveness of a “stealth” plane is kind of rendered useless when you fly it around in broad daylight where everyone can see it, I have to say I’m getting all gooey inside. I’m going to buy all new underwear now. After the old man died I went through a string of new affairs. Ahmajinedad. Kony. Putin. It was cheap and dirty but I was desperate and lonely. I’m only human. Of flesh and blood I am made. I never imagined that this little boy in North Korea would grow up one day and be a terrifying dictator like his father. And, I think we can all agree that this Kim Jong Un is nobody’s fool. I need to open a window because it is getting hot in here.

“Despite the military alert, Kim Jong-un has found time for civilian-focused duties as leader in recent days, according to the North’s media. The Rodong Sinmun newspaper reported that in addition to his visits to the army, he toured a new restaurant boat on Sunday, “feasting his eyes on the deck and handrails around it” and expressing concern that the view and air-conditioning should be satisfactory.” – THE GUARDIAN

Wow. I just completely lost my erection. I guess I really was a fool to dream.

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